I’ve been trying hard to describe the mood I’m in today and the only word that seems to fit is Euphoric. The funniest thing is that I really don’t know why! Inside it feels as if I’ve topped some hill after a long hard climb and found an enormous, green valley spread out below me. Yes, it will be a challenge to get down there, but the glimpses I’ve had of it are stirring, that there’s no way I can go through live without getting down there to see it closer.

In physical terms, my energy levels have shot through the roof! I’m alive in every since of the word. I feel my body and know it better and deeper then I ever have before.

I’ve found an interesting pastime while running. I imagine what my routine would be if I were to ever do a fitness routine. Understand that this is coming from someone who’s only been at the fringes of the sport. I’ve watched a competition on ESPN now and then, but never with an eye to understand what they were doing or why. I just have this vague recollection of the ‘former gymnast” winning. Still, I think it would be fun to start with something resembling a classical ballet. I took ballet for several years as a young girl and still remember most of my training. (I was 1 year from graduating to ‘point’) I have this vision of a woman (maybe me?) In the classic ballet pose called an “arabesque”’ One leg and one arm lifted, long, lean, graceful, and then curling that raised arm into a flexed bicep – fierce and strong. That’s my goal. That’s the vision I have for myself. That’s the woman I want to be… If not next year, then the year after that.

So, on to much less introspective topics. Today is Upper body day! Yay! Definitely my favorite workout. I think I’ll hit it as soon as I get home, then it back to the books to study study study. Tomorrow’s the big day!

I made an interesting discovery today. While doing my upper body workout last time, on several of my ‘second exercise of my fifth set’ I felt the weight I was using was ‘too much’ – each time it was using 10lbs of weight with 3.5 of collar for a total of 13.5lbs. So, I spotted my old ‘girl’ dumbbells (you know the fixed weight coated in pink plastic) and though “Oh, those are 10 lbs I use those! And I did. So today I was sitting there looking at those dumbbells, thinking about something else when it dawned on my that there wasn’t the number 10 stamped on the end.. it was the number 12! Not THAT different from the 13.5 I had thought was ‘too heavy’. And yet it seemed much lighter! It think I just proved to myself, once again, how much ‘perception’ makes a difference in a workout. Thinking I couldn’t do something, and I couldn’t... Thinking I could.. and POOF, I could. Our brain is an amazing thing. Maybe I need someone else to load my weights for me from now on! Heheheh.

I got home tonight so exhausted! I had stayed up until 12:00am last night, first studying, and then rewarding myself for finishing all my reading with a workout. (Note the change in attitude – I’m working on that) This morning I was up at 5:45 because I had to be to work by 7:15 so that I could be at an all day, offsite meeting by 9:00am. I had grabbed a bar to eat on my way to work because I had expected bagels etc at the meeting. Boy was I bummed to find NOTHING! Luckily (though not the best choice) I had a balance bar in my purse (I always carry an emergency supply). This was a ‘working lunch’ and they had the regular ‘working lunch’ faire: Salad, sandwiches, fruit and cookies. Unfortunately, the salad had mayo based dressing on it (which I can’t eat) But, there were some greens on the sandwiches. I grabbed turkey on ‘whole wheat’ and some fruit. Needless to say I was STARVING when the meeting got over at 3:00pm. The only place nearby was Walgreen’s. I swear to you the ho-hos and Twinkies were calling my name. The only think I could find of any worth was another energy bar. By the time I got back to my office it was 4:30 and when I finally got home it was after 5:00pm. By then, my body was SCREEMING for REAL food! I quickly grabbed yogurt and some protein powder. After eating that I shuffled into my bedroom and changed into night clothes… I was SO tired! I sat down and started reading through the some blogs, BOOM, there was my friend Marie, talking about her 16 hour day yesterday, and how she still got her workout in. What could I do then but shut off the computer, change my clothes and go for my run? And I did! I know I say this every time but it was my best run EVER!!! I don’t know if it was the extra carbs in the stupid bars or what but I had more energy while I was zooming around the track then EVER. I was well into my third interval before it even occurred to me to think.. HEY, I’m into my third interval! It was amazing! After my fourth interval, I rounded the corner of the track, while I was walking through my active recovery phase, I was amazed at how quickly I got my breath back, so when I got around the corner I picked up my knees and tacked a sprint onto the end. I don’t know that I’ve ever ran faster, it was like I had wings! It wasn’t until I was on my home that I realized that I sprinted from Out of bounds line to out of bounds line on the football field, NOT from goal line to goal line, thus I had run 30(?) yards further then an 100 yard dash. I guess I won’t fret over that.

I came back feeling awake and alert, ready to face the 8 hours of studying I have ahead of me! I just can’t thank all of you enough for being here and for inspiring me to do things that I’ve never been able to achieve before!!

I was thinking about something at lunch...

I realize how much of our attitude is based on our perseption of things. I also realized that typically when I get ready to do my workout for the day I will announce .. "I HAVE to workout.." or "I HAVE to go run..." While thinking about this today I realized that "HAVE" might not be the best choice of words. It hardly protrays an positive attitude or outlook. Well, unless it's in the contex that someone like Emma used it when she said "I HAVE GOT to workout or I'll go CRAZY". I assure you, when I say it, it's HARDLY in that context, and I've realized that I might need to change that. My body listens.. yes my workout is something I HAVE to do.. but I know I need to come into it with a much more positive attitude or it will get more and more difficult to motivate myself. Words are a powerful tool --

So, what do you say when it's time to work out? Is it a 'down in the mouth' I can't come out to play I HAVE to work out mentality? or is it... I've been waiting all day for this and I HAVE GOT to work out mentality? I Know I certainly could use some work in this area.

October 1st. A part of me can hardly believe I'm here. I don't know that I've ever stayed this long on a diet and fitness program. Hmm.. that sounds sad. BUT, at this moment I don't feel the slightest urge to falter. I'm on a journey, one that has it's ups and downs, and yet one that I'll continue.

Day two of no scale. I still find myself eyeing it's spot on the bathroom floor, and feel the urge to drag it out of the closet and peek at how I'm doing. But that would defeat the purpose. I did take a look in the mirror this morning. The top of my tummy, High up, is definatly looking 'smoother'.

Yesterday, I had dressed up, skirt, hose, blouse and sweater. When I got to work I realized that I had a HUGE hole in my hose. Didn't really have the time or cash to replace them, so I went to the bathroom and took them off. I was thrilled to find that my tummy didn't ruin the line of my skirt like it would have just a few weeks ago. Another victory!!

Food for the day was good. I'm so busy in the evenings though that I'm not being able to plan my next day's meals very well. That means I'm having to rely on foods I know... Of course that also means.. BORING! I know I'm going to have to mix things up next week. Boring food leads to cheeting. Can't have that!

Had a GREAT run yesterday. I know I say that almost every time. I think it's because I always start out thinking it's going to be a terrible run, and yet, somehow it isn't! Best part is that my fiance went with me. It's always easier to face the track knowing I'm going to have a smiling face to look toward now and then. He was bummed because he couldn't keep up with me, but he hasn't run regularly in a while. Knowing him, (and the fact that his legs are MUCH longer then mine) He'll be lapping me again in no time. I'm learning not to mind.

Yesterday was another coup... Had a gread nutrition day. I'll have you all know that I've already burned through one blender. My wonderful loving fiance stopped by the store yesterday at lunch and picked up a new one. He then rushed home so he could fix me a shake and have it ready for me when I got home. I think he just wanted to be the first to try it out. It's got HORSEPOWER.

Today I'm working toward 1450...

Someone pointed out that I was doing my BFL pyramids wrong and I wasn't going heavy enough of my 5th set...Thanks to them I SMOKED my upper body workout!! AND, I WAY upped my weight on my shoulder presses.. not really sure why I thought I could push it that far (everyone's always told me girls don't have strong shoulders) but I pushed it anyway and was PROUD of it. My ultimate goal is to one day being able to do headstand pushups.. even if I have to lean against the wall to do them.

I'm starting to wonder if there will ever be a day when something on my body isn't aching! Perhaps I'll know I'm not pushing hard enough when that happens.

I have a HIIT run planned for the day.. looks like a beautiful day for it.. hope the weather continues to last!

Weekend was good and my weight is FINALLY down to 188.5! measurements are finally down too.

I never got to make up my leg workout... time got away from me, and I thought I might make it up Sunday evening after dropping off my daughter, but, I was running late, and then when I got to the drop off point, and called my ex to tell him I was there, he informes me that HE won't be there for another 30-45 minutes... I didn't get home until after 10:00 and I was beat. But I did get 2 cardio workout's in... woo hoo!

I did get some information this weekend that I'm not sure how to handle. While shopping this weekend I happened to double check the nutritional information for the soy protien I'm using... Seems the info I was using was WRONG. What does this mean? Well let me give you a 'for instance': On Friday I thought my intake was this:

Total: 1292
Fat: 15 132 10%
Sat: 3 25 2%
Poly: 4 38 3%
Mono: 4 39 3%
Carbs: 134 453 35%
Fiber: 21 0 0%
Protein: 175 701 55%
Alcohol: 0 0 0%

when it actually was this:

Calories Eaten Today
source grams cals %total
Total: 1443
Fat: 15 132 9%
Sat: 3 25 2%
Poly: 4 38 3%
Mono: 4 39 3%
Carbs: 134 453 32%
Fiber: 21 0 0%
Protein: 206 824 58%
Alcohol: 0 0 0%

So in truth, I've been eating about 150 more calores a day....

Sunday's run was GREAT! By getting a baseline on the 'laps' I was able to do, I gave myself a goal to reach for. Make it much more interesting while traveling around the track. I've discovered there's a pattern to my HIIT runs. The first Interval is the Hardest. the hardest to start, the hardest to complete, the hardest to push myself. The easiest is the second.. with the dificulty going up from there. I just find it interesting, that for me, the hardest part is the begining. I'm pretty much the same with my weight training, once I START I'm good, but it's getting past the 'I should change my clothes' point and getting to the 'lifting the first weight' phase. I'm looking for ways to change my attitude about all this because I think it will make a huge impact in my progress overall. Oh, and I increased my laps from 5.5 to 5.75! One day I'll have to take my fiance's watch out with me one day and see what my average pace is.

My ankles were bothering me yesterday, (in fact they were still bothering me when I woke up this morning) SO I held out on my Lower body workout. It WILL be made up before monday. I want to be able to give my workout 100% and I won't be able to if I'm worried about my feet. If there was one bit of fitness advice that I could give EVERYONE it would be.. .if you are going to do road running get "Better then Good" running shoes fitted by a professional. I would not wish planter fasciitis on ANYONE!

And my weight stayed at 189.5 amazingly enough. I may have reached my goal of <190 by the end of the month afterall. I think this upcoming challenge to stay off the scale is going to be one of my hardest ever!

I had really set myself up for a challenge yesterday with my plan to do my cadio and make up my upper body in one day. But I did it! Last night was probably one of my best cardio ever! My 6's were really 6's and my 9's were 9's. I really focused on form, on how I was feeling, on were I was on the track at ay given time. My 10 was even a SURE 10 because there wasn't anything left in the tank to sprint with at the end! I also noticed that I'm recovering quicker during my active recovery time. It's a lot of work to keep the mind busy while running around a track but I think I did a good job of it last night. I also counted laps, and I'm 'running' a little over 1.25 miles in 17 minutes. Not the best, but then I never was a FAST runner. I'm going to see if I can improve that over the next few weeks.

I did arms much later. I could tell the energy levels were a little low but I still felt I had a great workout. I think I figured out why I like upper body day though. It's the pushups. At the end of every workout I've been seeing how many pushups I can do. And every time, I do more then the last. I don't know what is it with me that makes me feel like EVERY day has to be a personal best. That's the mentality that had me dropping down to 700 calories per day! eep! I'll just have to watch myself and make sure this drive I have during my workouts doesn't turn into something negative. After all that's what most negative traits are anyway.. just positive traits pushed too far. But, back to my workout...

I tried upright rows again for the first time probably in a month. They still KILL my shoulder. Right in the front at the joint. It's my left shouder and I'm right handed, so other then sleeping wrong, I don't know what I could have done to it. I was hoping that by doing other shoulder excercises I could strengthen this area and the pain would go away, but no go :( I did manage two, yes TWO full pushups! YAY!

Eating was clean yesterday. There was a moment of tempation when a bunch of the guys from work asked me to go to lunch with them, and then didn't want to take not for an answer (I'm rarely invited to lunch with the 'guys' so it was hard to say no) But I held strong, and stayed at the office and ate my salad.

The best news of all? I stepped on the scale this morning (Giving it up after Monday) and I was down to.... 189.5! I'm almost afraid to be happy as I might wake up tomorrow and it will be gone. Still, it's good to know my body is on the move again. I just have to hang in there.

One last thing I've realized:
I think the hardest thing for me has been the loss of 'fast food'. The ability to have a busy night and then reach over to the phone and say "Hello Dominos?" I feel I've lost some of the spontinaity in my life. Meals (especially dinner) have to be planned, chicken taken out of the freezer the night before.. etc. I think that's one of the reasons I was craving PB&J the other day... it was simple, and nothing to do with food is simple anymore.

I'm feeling better. Perhaps not 100% but not what I would describe as 'bad'. I wore one of my favorite suits to work today. Once I haven't fit into since December... I'm feeling rather 'spiffy'. Nothing like a 'Short Skit and an LONG Jacket' to make a girl feel sexy. *grin*

I'm looking forward to my Upper body workout tonight. UBWO night is my favorite. I think because I love bicep curls. I like being able to watch the muscles work. Perhaps I need to get a mirror, I'm becoming rather narcisistic!

Couple of things I was thinking about this morning... (Yes I'm a rather intraspective person)

Does it ever get easier? Is there ever a time when you don't have to track every morsel food? Is there a moment in time when this becomes ingrained, and not something you have to think about constantly?

The other thing I've realized is that I need to get off the scale. I'm so stinking adicted to the thing. So, I'm going to finish off this week.. weigh in Monday, and then not weigh in again until October 27th. That will be the end of my First "official" BFL challenge and 8 weeks into the Body blast. After that, I won't weigh in again until the end of the challenge. I'll only be guaging my progress by clean eats, and workout effort. Things I can control! (My goodness what will I have to obsess over now!?)

It's late, and I can't sleep - AGAIN

I've felt crappy all day - stayed in bed until 3:30pm today...probably why I'm not a bit sleepy now. I made a decision early in the morning to postpone my UBWO. I was just feeling so ragged. Not sure if it's my alergies (The mildest case I've had in two years) or a bit of the flue that's been going around, but to be safe I thought I would rest up. Amazingly enough after getting a LOT of rest today I've been practically bouncing off the walls this evening. Guess all this exercise is paying off. I DID fit a SMALL PG&J into my plan today... and I still managed to come in GREEN! :) Yes, jelly isn't the best choice ever, but I had a VERY small amount, with 1 Tbs of Peanut better on 1 slice of bread. And the totals for the day...

I've been trying for 45% Protien/45%Carb/10%Fat so I don't think I'm doing too bad... Since I've had a couple days in the 1300 range I think I'll shoot for the lower (1250) range of calories for the next two days.

I'm just hoping for this blue funk I've been in to go AWAY. It's probably hormonal... Though it could be my body's homeostasis kicking in. I've just got to convince it that I'm serious! The good news is that I haven't burried all these feelings in a bowl of ice cream. I'm doing my best to acknowledge them to feel them fully. To take them out and look them over and learn more about them, and myself... the good, the bad... perhaps one day, I'll be better able to detach myself from them... Mitch Albom explained it this way in his book "Tuesdays with Morrie" ..

"Take any emotion -- love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotioins -- if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them -- you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. you're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowingyourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. you know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'"

I'm finding I'm spending a lot of time 'over my head' lately. But, perhaps, that's a good thing.

In other news... I'm sitting here craving a PB&J Sandwich and wondering if I can fit it in and still be green.... hmmm

I think it's time to start digging through the cookbooks and shaking up the menu a bit. Last night I made "extra lean ground turkey" soft tacos. It was a nice break from chicken. Since lately I've been having chicken for both dinner AND Lunch I can see why I'm starting to become less then thrilled when it comes time to eat. Must remidy that as I don't want to get back into the habit of skipping meals. There is no reason why we can't be healthy AND enjoy our meals. Is there? Since cooking is a hobby of mine I'll have to see what I can do to make things interesting in the upcomeing weeks.

Yesterday's workout was so strange. I got a little snippy with my family after getting my feelings hurt and I was still feeling that way as I set off toward the track. When I got to the stoplight at the corner I had such a stronge urge just to run... in ANY direction. I wanted to see new things, go new places and just get AWAY. But I knew there was not way my feet would survive pounding on the sidewalk so I just continued on to the track. When I got there the 'normal' crowd was there. No scrimage game, thank goodness. I don't think I would have been strong enough to do that two workouts in a row! I started running, but I was completely unenthusicastic. I felt so tired. Not physically but spirtually. I kept plodding along. Upping the tempo at each interval, continuing to go through the motions even though my heart wasn't in it. But, amazingly enough, as I pushed my body, my mind seemed to follow. Each interval lifted my heart just a little more, until by the last one I was feeling GREAT and I did a 100 yard sprint to finish it off. I headed back hope in MUCH better spirits and appoligized to them immediatly, then explained what had bothered me. They accepted it all... and peace rigned in our household once more. All because I went for a run. :)

I've really been working on my food intake. Upping portion sizes a little and making sure to eat all 6 meals. Last night after figuring my intake for the day I discovered I had room for 4oz of turkey instead of 3, and 2 low car tortillas instead of 1.. AND a sprinkle of Fat free cheese! (Don't worry, I also had a nice crisp salad with my meal)

Unfortunaly my body hasn't started reacting to the additional calories well. Oh I feel ok. Energy levels are good, but my weight continues to climg UP. I woke up feeling sick and bloated again. The scale rolled around to a very unlovely 193.5. I had about 3 litres of water yesterday, so I don't know WHAT is going on. I just need to stick with it, I know. Consitancy.. consitancy. Almost impossable to imagine loosing 10 inches off my waist.. but I could! I can! I will!

I got home last night and realized that I HAD to work on the house. Things had really slid over the lazy weekend. So, my fiancé and I toddled over to Laundromat and washed clothes in 95+ degree weather! Sheesh, that was my sauna treatment for the week. We finally finished after 9:00pm. All I had managed to eat was a quick bocca burger before we left. So, we went home and did up the dishes, and straightened up a bit. I was finally feeling HUMAN, and the temperature had dropped to reasonable levels. I knew I needed to eat, but I didn’t want anything heavy because I still had to workout, so I sliced up an apple and rolled it in protein powder. I ate a few pieces right away, and then nibbled on the rest while I was working out. It worked out rather well, rather like a homemade power drink. By this time it was after 10:00pm. Being diligent I drug out my weights and started my lower body workout. My first set of squats almost had me screaming. Either I was still sore from last week’s lower body workout, or I had worked harder on my bike ride then I thought... or both! I wasn’t sure I would be able to do my workout it hurt so bad. But after a short rest I tried again, and the second set was easier… I guess I just needed to warm up and stretch things out a bit.

I was a little worried about my feet after the Reverse lunges. I was setting the ball of my foot and then pressing down the heal of my foot, and it was stretching the arch of my foot. I hurt after words and with the issues I’ve had with my feet, it was worth stressing about, but I woke up this morning and my feet are GREAT… Whew!

I think I’m going to have to switch to single calf raises. I’m just not feeling these the way I think I should. I remember once at the gym on the standing calf raise machine I wasn’t thinking clearly and I did a set of 12 reps at 130lbs… Of course I couldn’t WALK the next day, but I think that makes it pretty clear that I could stand to raise the weight on my calf raises a bit.

I finished my workout sometime after 11:00pm and I STILL hadn’t had a ‘real’ dinner. I was pretty sure I was low on calories, but not certain and to my horror, when I went to verify fitday.com was down!! So just to be sure I fixed myself a huge bowl of veggies and some chicken and ate up. Needless to say going to bed on that full of a stomach did NOT feel good, but I felt good about getting the calories in non the less.

I was getting a little bummed about being at 192 STILL. I’ve been working on this same two pounds for over four now. I realize this isn’t HORRIBLE, but it makes my goal of 130 seem SO far away. If I think about it long enough I really start to get frustrated and discouraged, so I’ve found more and more I’m having to focus on things outside the scale. Things like how much better my clothes are fitting, how GREAT I feel, physically and mentally, how positive it is to be honoring self promises… and things of that nature. This is such a mental shift for me. I WILL reach my goals. In the meanwhile, I’m doing something good for myself, and that makes it worth it.

So far today things are going well. I woke up feeling gross and bloated, probably from eating so late. My hands had swollen up so much in the night that I ended up having to take off my ring. I was surprised to be as low as 192. I had to be to work for an early meeting and didn't really feel like eating so I chopped up an apple and mixed it with protien powder. It was enough for the moment. I grabbed an energy bar for my meeting because I knew it was going to go through 12:00pm and I figured it was best to be prepared. I've had chicken and greens for lunch so things seem to be going great. Suprising, after having wobbly legs all night last night after my workout, and moaning and groaning each time I had to get up or down out of a chair, I'm not that sore today. Guess I'm getting better at recovery... Looking forward to my HIIT run tonight. Hopefully it's cooler then last night.

What a fantastic weekend! Friday night I went to a ball game and sat in a luxury box free from my work. Had a real good time with the guys from work, had a 'free meal' and no beer. The no beer had been one of my goals so I was thrilled that I had stood strong. Saturday I ate clean, got a LOT of excercise and then my fiance' took me out for a night on the town. I pulled out this dress that I had bought about 6 months ago. When I bought it I brought it home and showed it to my fiance' and in his loving, honest way he said. "Oh honey, that dress isn't very flattering". The funny thing is.. I KNEW it wasn't flattering and I wasn't upset in the least to hear him say it. So, that's the dress I pulled out Saturday, I dressed in secret and then came out and 'suprised' him. I was thrilled to have him confirm that this black, slinky dress was now the picture of 'flattering'. We had a GREAT evening, went out to eat where I stayed in complete control, went to a bar where I got to sing, and where I sipped diet colas all evening. I went home still energetic, and still aglow. My fiance' let me know "You looked GREAT tonight" a compliment he doesn't give out often or friveralously. He's always quick to say "You're beautiful" but 'spot compliments' don't come often. Sunday was a day of sleeping in, a terrific bike ride and an awsome upper body workout. We had stopped at Play it Again Sports and I bought 20 lbs (4x5) of plates for my dumbbells so I was able to up my workout a knotch. I actually did 1 - full body pushup - 1/10th of the way toward my goal... And my weight is down to 191.5 Body Fat percentage 42.8. I'm making progress slowly but surely, and loving every step of the journey.

I called and talked to my Dad for the first time since I started this journey. I guess for most folks that doesn't seem like a big deal, but you see... my Dad's a personal trainer. In hollywood of all places. He has been since I was 13. Talk about an image to live up too! I didn't live with him, but I've always wondered how different I would be if I had. He's now 55 years old, 6'2", 225lbs and still training. I've never talked to him much about my weight issues or anything like that, but he's been on my mind lately, and I called him and 'confessed'. *grin* He was SO excited. And then, I think, surprised by the amount of knowledge I already have. He started giving me advice right away... including "Read Protien Power Don't study it, just read it, Don't do that Adkins Crap"... I told him my current plan and he was actually pretty happy with it. Not that I was calling to be critiqued, but just to get his support. Just another person I can count on to be 100% in my corner. He had all kinds of other great advice like "Don't worry about the number on the scale. You just have to get up in the morning and be happy with the body you see in the mirror." "You'll never be a stick figure, and you shouldn't want to be, be glad you have curves, and make the best of them. Look at Madona, no matter how much she trains she'll never have a butt, you've already got one, all you have to do is tone it down a bit" "You look just like your grandma Mueller, She was a beutiful woman, and you are a beautiful woman, she had curves, you have curves" lol Arn't Dads great? I've thought about sending him the link to the blog and such, but I'm not sure I'm ready to be THAT exposed.

Anyway, just another step toward surrounding myself with people who believe in me. :)

Yesterday was the hardest workout I ever had to do. And not just because my legs were still screeming from the workout the day before! My first obstical was our plans to go into the city last night to visit my future sister-in-law. The old me would have just put off the workout to keep everyone happy, but the new me said "I need to run first". The best part of that was that no one minded! So, I mixed up a quick shake, gulped it down and went out for my run. Now, understand that my legs hurt so bad it's hard to get in and out of chairs, so while walking to the track I was doing my best to warm them up and get them loosened up. The I got to the track and my heart sank. Not only was my Soccer team there, but a second team AND a bevy of fans! It was a scrimage game. I wanted to turn and run home. The little voices in my head started in... "They'll laugh at you" one said "Don't subject them to your fat butt jiggling around the track, don't subject them to that" another said "You'll bother the players running behind the goals" said the next. I truely felt like crying right then and there as it had taken so much just to get that far! But, I didn't turn around. I stepped onto that track and began my workout. Every lap was harder then the next. I knew every 1/2 heard comment or murmer of laughter was about me. Then somehow, it got easier. Maybe it was one of the soccer players troting around the track with an older woman (probably his mother) struggling to keep up. Or the group of children that started following me, laughing, skipping, holding hands, and sometimes racing to catch up with me before falling back with the group. Maybe it was the smiles and nods of enchoragement I got from the few people I dared to make eye contact with. Or maybe it was just that feeling deep inside that I was doing something RIGHT. I was doing what I needed to do, despite the ache in my legs, despite what others might say, think or do... I was doing something for ME!

Well, except for having to be helped in and out of the car the rest of the night, it went really good. We went to one of my favorite itallian resteraunts and I bypassed the alfredo and ordered thier 'Healthy Chicken'. Then I picked all the chicken and veggies off the plate and left the pasta behind. Had some NUMMY grilled asparagus, though I had to shake off the cheese. Still, considering where I was, I ate well. I got grumbled at by my fiance and his sister for not eating much, but then I rattled off to them everything else I had eaten that day and they settled down a bit. I guess if you only eat three meals a day what I eat at a meal does look REALLY small... but in the context of 6 meals it's pretty resonable. At least _I_ think it is :) I'm still struggling with what to do tonight. My company has invited me to thier luxury box at the A's game. I really don't like baseball, so the lure they are using is 'open bar and free food'. The only way I could enjoy that is to take a free day, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for that mentally.

I took a 20 minute walk at lunch to try and work through the stiffness in my legs and glutes. Then I started thinking. I realized that this attitude of mine has totally hamstrung me. Not just in my fitness goals, but in my whole life. I hate to fail. And rather then put my whole self into something I go half-a$$ed. Therefore, if things don't go as planned it's not like I really failed. After all I really didn't try. This has held me back in so many ways! In just a few weeks I'm taking a test that could completly change my career for the better. I've been dinking around for months now. Not putting everything into my studies, not using all the resources avaliable to me to make sure I'm completely prepared. And why? Maybe I'm lazy. or maybe, as I said before... if I take the test, and don't pass. It won't be a 'failure'. I think the same thing has happened with the business my fiance' and I have 'started'. I quote that word because we've done everything up to the part where it starts to get hard... we have a web site, we have our idea, we've done the research and gotten all the licences... but now that the time to advertise and talk to people about it has come, we've found every reason to put it off... Has our business failed? No because we haven't even TRIED! So, why do I relate all of this and what does it have to do with (after all what this site is about) my fitness journey? Well I do the same thing here... On previous journeys I've found myself slipping, and often I've done it because it was easier to slip, to not really TRY then to come to the end of some time period and find out I've 'failed'. So what makes this time different? First of all I've made a major mindset change. I finally figured out that the only way I can fail is if I quit. And yet I still see small signs of that 'slacker' in the things that I do. I see it what I was doing with my eating before. Not the under eating, but the lack of dicipline before that, eating hotdogs, and white bread etc. I see it today in my saying 'I can't do HIIT today'. Yes, it hurts... yes it will be hard, but I have to TRY. I have to give it my 100% effort. I have to take 'extraordinary action'.

The days continue to go great! I'm working my tail off and eating so clean I squeek. I'm struggling a little bit today as I would rather have ANYTHING but the chicken and rice that I brought for lunch right now. But I'll get through. Maybe an extra soda will get rid of the major sweet tooth that I'm suffering. I had a bowl of my 'homemade' jello to eat, but that's not doing much besides give me a stomach ache :(. I know it's my body reacting to the dramatic reduction in fat intake. I know it's good, but that doesn't make it easier.

Still, I'm losing weight and feeling energetic. I had an awsome lower body workout last night, and my legs (especially my glutes) are sore. I'm going to go for a 30 minute walk today, but I'm not sure I'm going to be able to push myself through a HIIT run. We'll see. I can't start a patern of slacking - it's too easy to slide downhill, after missing even just one workout. I still haven't desided what to do to continue to push myself. Do I get heavier dumbells? Or do I join a gym. I'm going to have to figure out how to frame my cardio training when I can't run outdoors anymore. I know I can't just assume I'll run in the rain. I tried that before, it didn't work. There are a lot of things that still need to be worked out. But in the meantime I'm still working hard and still losing wieght! 192 today. Still reshaping my body, and that's a REALLY good thing.

The decision I made yesterday was exactly what I needed. Now all the stress and pressure is off of me to figure out my own fitness routine. It's all on Bill :) I did a killer upper body workout last night and I still feel it today. It's a good soreness. My cold is almost complely gone already. I woke up this morning feeling slightly groggy, and dizzy, but within a few hours it was gone. All that's left now is a little bit of drainage. I'm SO glad.

My nutrition is going GREAT. I've started my new menu plan and I'm loving everything so far. I'm looking forward to the rest of the week. I'm eating a ton more fruit then I'm used to, but still feeling nice level energy levels. That's a first for me. I do so much better when someone else does my menu for me. I don't know why. Eventually, I'll have to learn to write my own, but for now I'm liking having someone else do it for me.

I took my first measurments since week 4. I was so sure I had made NO progress in 2 weeks. To my surprise I've actually lost a few inches off my butt, hips and thighs. Now I want to make some MAJOR progress over the rest of my challenge. I was also a pound down this morning so that helps. I'm feeling VERY positive now, I want to hold onto this feeling and roll with it!

When I started this whole challenge I commited myself to doing it BFL Style. And here it is, just a few weeks later, and I've already done my level best to screw it all up. I started tweeking, and modifying and changing until there was no BFL left in my program! Luckily I've had the support of some very smart people and they've got my nutrition in line. Now I need to turn my excercise around. I slid, I have for two weeks now, and my body shows it! So it's back to basics. Back to weight training 3 times per week alternating between upper and lower body workouts. High Intensity Interval Training 3 days a week, and moderate cardio when I can work it in. I also want to throw some pilates in there because I felt so good while I was doing it. I'm 1/2 way through my challenge and I'm going to get back on track and start seeing the results that I saw at the begining of the first 1/2.

Today is Upper body - I'm going to hit it HARD and give it ALL I've got. There - I've committed.

I fell off the wagon, HARD this weekend. Add that to the fact that I'm being hammered by a cold, or alergies or something, and I could be down in the dumps right now, but I'm not. Instead I'm recharged, refocused and I've reset my goals. I have a new menu plan, and tonight I'll finish up my shopping. I'm not sure about my training yet. I feel like I'm doing something wrong, but I'll just have to keep on plugging along. Trial and error. I sat down and had to figure out where I am on all the challenges I'm part of. I keep finding new ways to keep myself focused. This is the 7th week of my binkini babe challenge, 1st Week of the body blog challenge, and 3rd week of the Winter Wonderbabe challenge! sheesh!

I knew this weekend was going to blow my progress, and it did. I weighed in at 194. I'm wondering how long it's going to take me to get back down to the 190 I was last week! kind of depressing to think about, but I knew what I was doing when I did it, and accepted the consiquenses and the time.

Ok, tonight - Back and Chest. This will include push ups. I already did my low intensity cardio at lunch today. It felt great to get that out of the way. I'm hoping I can do some pilates too, as I felt that did a LOT to add to my progress the first 4 weeks. I just need to start popping vitamine C I think. I can't let this cold drag me down!

More Sleep too!

The past few days have been MUCH much better. No upset stomach, no shakyness, no tiredness. I've been averaging around 1200 calories for the past few days and what a difference it's made. Was suffering a bit from TOM- and didn't get my run in. It's going to be a GREAT outdoor active weekend, so I'm not really that concerned about it. I'm still REALLY sore from doing pushups the other day. I'm going to add that as a perminant part of my workout! hopefully one day I'll be able to do 'full' pushups instead of 'girl' ones.

We went to dinner last night with my Grandmother. Chinese Buffett. At first I panicked wondering how I was going to have self control, but after I had a few bites I started feeling full pretty quickly and actually ended up staying right on plan. I was getting a little annoyed because my Grandmother commented more then once 'Is that all you are going to eat?" I answered yes, that I was full, but my fiance' did like how little I had eaten eather so had me go back with him for seconds. So I grabbed a little fruit. AGAIN I got from my grandmother "You sure didn't eat much", and my fiance' said "She never does any more". It was a little frustrating. I've never had the people around me do that to me before. My fiance' I understand because he knows what I went through with eating too little, but my grandmother too! Sheesh!

In all, I think I did ok...

Remember the slogen (I believe created by Weight Watchers) "Nothing taists as good as thin feels."? Well, I've always thought it was a bunch of bunk.. and last night I was sure of it. Aparently I've been WAY under eating... I showed my menus to a group of people on one of the boards I go to and I was nearly beheaded! (Not really...) Everyone jumped in to say "You're not eating enough!". I was pretty much already convinced of it yesterday afternoon, I went home early from work. I just felt so awful. My stomach was upset and I was so tired I felt like a complete ZOMBI. When I got home I just sat on the couch - I knew there was no way I could work out feeling like I did. My fiancé and his son got home and they decided to order pizza. I figured I would have a salad but when that pizza hit the door, I KNEW that wasn't happening! So I made a conscious decision to have pizza. I took two, ate slowly and enjoyed, NO savored every bite. I sat there for about 1/2 an hour and was STILL hungry. So I took one more and ate it. a hour later I was STILL hungry, so I had another! That's right 4 pieces of pizza! When I finished I was finally satisfied not STUFFED, but satisfied. AND I was feeling better! There was NO way that being thin would feel as good as that pizza taisted right then.

I started this journey eating about 1500 calories/day. Then I got down to 1200, then 1000, and lately I found I was down to 700 to 800! Definitely NOT Good. I went to bed last night DETERMINED to ask for help. I know I shouldn't be feeling the way I have been, but I had no idea how to increase my calories and still lose the weight. And even MORE baffling was that when I weighed this morning I had lost 2 lbs since yesterday!?

So, I got to work this morning and opened up my email and not one but TWO people had already emailed me, offering help and even menus. I have to admit that I sat at my desk with tears in my eyes. I had already resolved this morning NOT to quit. I realized that the only way I can fail is to quit and I will NOT fail. But seeing all the love and support that I have been offered here has made that resolution that much easier to take.

Monday I start my new menu. But I'm already trying to add more calories into my day. And I'm feeling better for it.

Wow last night was tough! I went to do my cardio/legs and near the end I just could NOT go any more! I had to stop. After that I drank some accelerade, rested, ate dinner and after that I did my shoulders and arms. I WAS so tired afterwords. I wasn't feeling good, and I felt so fat, helpless and hopeless. It was a horrible overwhelming feeling. I sat down and started journaling what I was feeling and where I was going, and slowly I started feeling better! It was wonderful. I know I still I have a long way to go, but I also know I'm taking steps and I'm headed in the right direction. I'll be so glad when I no longer have a body that I HATE.

I emailed an amature fitness competitor who was featured on bodybuilding.com. She's made a WONDERFUL transformation from 200lbs to a 3rd place competitor. To my surprise she emailed back. I'm continuously surprised by the amount of support and inspiration I'm finding.

I love going to www.bodychangers.com for inspiration. I've collected a list of women with similar body type to mine who have made changes in thier body's that are truely to be admired. Today I sat down and documented thier progress and averaged it. It seems that most of them did NOT loose 2/lbs per week. The average ws 1.92 with some of these women with LONG transfermations averaging less then 1. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate my goals. I really don't want to feel like I'm constantly falling short. So far in 6 weeks I've averaged 1.7 lbs per week. At that rate I should reach my goal by the 25th of May. Not too bad, and I should be in GREAT shape by May 4th wich was my long term goal. at 1.7 lbs per week I should be losing about 7 lbs a month. In all, not bad. I think I will adjust my goals accordingly. And if I do better then that. MORE POWER TO ME! :) So, my new short term goals are this...

October 1st 185.5
November 1st 178

I really want to 'hit' the rest of this month HARD and make some more MAJOR changes in my bod.

Wow, I've really been falling behind here! I need to get better at journaling. First the good news. 1) I was 192 this morning! 2) I fit into and wore size 14 shorts yesterday. 3) I've been feeling not nessisarily 'thinner' but 'less dense' I haven't really been seeing much of a change in my measurements, but it seems that my clothes continue to fit better. It's like the fat is 'fluffed out' to fill the same space, but that there really is less of it! I just feel Great! I wish the weight was coming off faster, but I'm still really thrilled with the results so far. I'm going to have to keep better track of my progress this week!

I had a great long weekend. AND I stayed on plan. Friday night I picked up pizza, and while it WAS within my limit and thus "on plan" I was shocked to wake up Saturday morning with my weight UP to 194.5 from 193 the day before! My hands were swollen and I felt terrible. Today I finally started dropping weight again (194). I don't know if there was something 'bad' in that pizza, if it was my 'monthly' water gain, or both. On the workout side of the house things have been going GREAT. I worked out a LOT this weekend and felt great because of it. I tried doing the 'intermdiate' pilates and BOY was that hard. I also did my 'new' lower body workout 'high reps-low weight' on Monday and loved it. I was sweating like crazy! It WAS a bit intense though, and I took the day off from the lower body yesterday because I was achy all over. I did do my High Intensity Interval Training Run yesterday though. The running has been going GREAT.

I really can't believe how easy the nutrition has gotten. I have no trouble staying less then 1200 Calories a day, when before I would struggle with 1400! Water hasn't been an issue eather, and it's even better now that I have my own 'special' water bottle that holds 1 litre of water. 4 of those and the water is in the ... umm bag? heheheh. It's even been easier to do my workouts - I find myself talking myself INTO them instead of OUT of them like I used to.

I took progress pictures on Monday and WOW! I HAVE made a difference. The biggest I could see was in my back. My old pictures I looked like a linebacker! The new pictures are MUCH more feminin. My fiance has made a habit of telling me how skinny I am every time he gives me a hug. It makes me look forward to even better results and more suprises for him. What a turn around in my outlook!

Quote I am in a good mood. I know not why but alas it remains. The morning is glad to meet my gaze and I to return the favor upon the world. (My Fiancé)

Last night was cardio night and another HIIT Run for me. For the first time in a long time, I took my cd player with me. I always run faster with the tunes in my ear, and Evanescence is a GREAT motivator. Unfortunately, I think I started out a little too energetic because when it came to my last interval, I was SPENT! It took everything I had to keep going, and I had nothing left for a sprint at the end. When I quit, I my stomach, abs, quads, calves, all were cramping. While walking home, the feeling in my body brought to mind one of George Leonard's "Keys to Mastery" in his Book "Mastery, The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment", Practice. And not just Practice, but Practice with purpose. For me the Practice of weight loss and fitness includes eating right, and exercise. But one of the major changes in my life is that I do both 'with purpose'. I don't just follow my diet, I stick to it religiously... I've realized that my diet is part of a larger purpose and what I eat EACH day does make a difference and each meal is another step on the path I’ve chosen. It’s the same with exercise. It's not enough to move around the track for twenty minutes and say "I've exercised". I've got to put myself in a situation that's uncomfortable. I have to push myself beyond my preconceived limits. Is this paying off? Do I see results? Physically I believe I am seeing results, the real challenge will be when those become less obvious. Will I be able to continue to practice with purpose through the plateaus? I would like to think so. Because, for me the results I'm seeing arn't only physical. The changes on the inside are even greater, and I believe will continue to be so. So I'll push myself, further and further... and I'll be better for it.

another great day yesterday - I had a great upper body workout, and the diet is going fine. I'm finding this to almost be too easy! (Man I hate saying that) I'm not obsessing about free days anymore either. Of course this is the 'up' part of the month, so I'm not going to get too overconfident. The only down side seems to be that someone has cemented my scale! I hasn't moved off of 194 for days! I've only got a few more days and I really had hoped to get to 192 before the end of the month. Oh well. It was just a hope. This weekend I'm taking my progress pictures and I can't wait to see how I've done. I haven't desided if I'm going to share them with the challenge group I'm part of or not. It might be better to wait and let them see the complete transformation, but I AM going to post them on my tracking site. Should be cool to see the side by side comparisons.

I kinked my neck this week and today I've been in a bit of pain, but I'm going to ignore it and get in another good run. I don't know if I'll be able to run the entire time again, but I'm still looking forward to the excercise! This time I'm not going to forget my watch!

The best news of all is that my fiance is taking a greater and greater interest in my workout and finally starting a program of his own. I know that this will be 10 times easier with him in the same boat. We are good at encoraging each other to do our best. I still need to make a plan for when the weather starts to get cooler. That's always an excuse for me NOT to excercise and I've got to plan NOW not to let that get the best of me!

I can’t believe how hard I pushed myself last night! I’m finally feeling like I really can do this, and that it is possible to make a difference in my body. I’m on fire! Things didn’t start out so well. I was nearly at the track when I realized that I had left my watch at home. My fiancé didn’t want to go back so I decided to do my best without it. I started around the track on my warm up, testing how my body was feeling. I was still feeling my leg workout but felt strong, so when the time came to start the first interval I went ahead and started at a jog. Yes! I jogged the entire workout! I was so excited when I finished. I even did intervals, doing my best to ramp up every 60 seconds. When I finished the last 60-seconds I sprinted as hard as I could for as long as I could just to finish myself off. When I stopped I felt like I was going to puke and I was ecstatic! I have been on a high ever since. Dinner turned out great, my fiancé was appreciative of not only the newer sleeker me, but the obvious hard work I’ve been putting into me, AND I managed to throw in some pilates on top of all that. Score one for the home team, cause I hit a home run yesterday!

On a side note I think I found a protein drink I can stomach. I’m using pure soy isotope. I mixed ¼ cup soy with 1 tsp cocoa and 2 packets of splenda, and 1 cup of water. It made a nice think goopy chocolaty mess that I ate like pudding (thanks for the idea). Not only did it take the edge of my hunger, but it stamped out any lingering sweet tooth I might have, not that I intend to add desert back into my plans anytime soon. I just needed something to take the edge off, and I knew I was short on calories yesterday. I may have to try the same thing with colder water and see if that is even more refreshing.

Yesterday went really good. I had a great lower body workout, though I'm thinking of changing it up a bunch starting next week. I've asked some 'experts' about it. I've always been impatient quickly jumping from one thing to the next, so I'm letting others deside if it's too soon to revamp my workout. You see, one of my biggest fears is bulking up my legs. I've always had 'thunder theighs' and I have 'calves of steal' I really don't want to add any muscle to them, I just want to 'trim the fat' . They are really muscular already, after all they've carried my 200lb body around for years! And I'm not talking about doing 'the fat lady shuffle'. I run, walk, pay tennis, bike. Anyway! :) I read an article in this month's Muscle and Fitness about paring down a pare shaped body. I'm not exactly pear shaped (I'm very broad shouldered). But I do have trouble taking the fat off my lower body. So, this article talked about doing more reps and lighter weights to increase the calorie burning effect of weightlifting. It also talked about doing cardio EVERY day. Though with studying and everything I don't know HOW I would find the time. I don't want to fall into my old habit of switching programs as soon as some other comes around, but I want to make sure I'm doing the program that works for ME!

Otherwise, I'm looking forward to my cardio tonight. In the past three weeks I've virtually eliminated the pain in my right foot! I'm so excited! I think the strength training had a lot to do with it. Plus I'm very careful to stretch stretch stretch.

Ate clean yesterday and have been great so far today.

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been since I posted! Things are going GRAND! I'm still seeing amazing progress, and I'm feeling really good today. I think my hormones have stabalized and I'll have a few weeks of feeling good to look forward to. Thursday and Friday I really had to fight with myself to excercise, but I did it. By Saturday though I couldn't fight anymore and I ended up skipping a workout. This week it's my goal to make every single workout! My eating has been clean! maybe too clean. the fact that I'm feeling so tired toward the end of the week may be a sign I'm eating too little. I'll have to watch and if it seems this pattern continues, then up my calories each day. I'm still losing and the Body Fat percentages are going down. The tape measure is being kind too. I'm super excited to take my 4 week pictures next week. I'm positive I'm seeing changes in the mirror, I can't wait to see it on film.

My slacks this morning were feeling like they 'fit' for the first time in a LONG time. Yet another shot in the arm. according to my stats I've lost 13 lbs of fat! It feels fantastic. I can't wait to see what I can do with the remaining 9 weeks.

I had a HIIT cardio run last night. I can tell my body is tired and reacting to all this new activity. It was one of those days when it felt like my feet were stuck in the mud and I was running through syrup. It took everything I had to continue to put one foot in front of the other and SLOW! And yet I was totally spent when I finished. I felt horrible and euphric all at the same time. My fiance even mentioned that he could tell I was struggling, and he was proud of me because I didn't quit.

AND I ended up with a workout partner last night. About a year a ago June I discovered running and began a quest to turn myself from a beginner to a runner. I started slow and built up my stanima. I was SO excited the first time I ran 30 minute without stopping! At the same time I talked my fiance into comming with me. He kept telling me "I can't run, I'll just make myself sick..." and other such things. Of course with me beside him he couldn't run very fast, and I was building up by taking breaks, and before he knew it, he too was running 30 minutes without stopping, and soon was outdistencing ME. The bug bit us both and I started training heavily, setting my sites on running a marathon. Then, one day after a 6 mile run I stood up and realized that I couldn't touch either heal to the floor. I had strainded the ligament in the arches of both my feet! I was practically a cripple for a few days and gradually I heeled. But running has been out of the question. And my fiance too gave up running. Now I'm armed with special shoes (I'll have to take a picture of them sometime - they are funny) and inserts, and I'm back on the track. So, last night as I was changing he asked me where I was going. I told him I was going to run and gently asked him if he wanted to come. He said no, that he was too tired. He's been under a lot of stress at work, etc and it really has worn him out. So I just continued to get ready, not put out at all. Before I left though I asked him if he would like to walk to the track with me and at least watch and keep me company. To my surprise he asked me if I would mind waiting for him to change! He joined me and ended up circling the track with me. I guess I'm just really excited that I'm able to set a good example for SOMEONE.

Today I'm planning on working upper body. I'm going to have to get creative to figure out a way to work my back though. So far I haven't been able to really push that part yet. Is it perhaps like legs? Just hard to do? I have surprised trainers on occasion with my back strength. I think it's because I used to be a swimmer.

I suppose I should have been clearer in a previous post, in that, logically I know weight lifting is good for me. That muscles = fat burning. And that 1 lb of steal takes up a lot less room then 1lb of feathers. But, there are times when this little voice (who sounds an awful lot like my ex) says "You're already too muscular... " and other such things. Just one of those infernal internal battles that one must go through on this journey to fitness.

I was thinking about weight training last night and trying to figure out why I have such conflicting emotions about it. First of all I have this deep fear of becoming "Monster Woman". For some reason no matter what I read about women not being able to 'bulk up' like a man, I still find myself wanting to lay back on the weights. I think it's this mental image I have of myself of being a 'big girl' For many years I was told my family and my ex that I could "never be 'really' thin" because I was "Big Boned" or "Too muscular" of course the fact that I'm at least 4" taller then my mother, and her 4 sisters... none of whom weighed more then 102lbs the entire time I was growing up didn't help that image. One other thing that came to mind was, though my Dad is a personal trainer himself, I have never once asked him for help. I've always secretly thought he must be embarrassed by me. I think one of the things on my 'to-do' list is to call him and let him know what I'm up to, and get some input from him as well.

Bleh! My tummy isn't liking these meds I'm taking! I'm feeling sicky... I hope this doesn't keep up. My brain is rather weird and when my stomach is upset I tend to crav carbs.. BAD carbs more then ever. I'm doing ok right now, though drinking more soda then I should, but no cravings. I had my energy bar and that usually calms my sweet tooth. I just need to make it through the day - and make it through my darn meeting tonight. They've told us they will be serving 'heavy appitizers' whatever THAT means. I'm sure it's nothing I want to eat :(. I only brought lunch, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just take an extra bar with me to tide me over until I get home tonight.

195.5!! Yay! I've finally started loosing weight this week! I ran last night. What a great experiance. I wish I had a tape recorder in my head to keep track of all he things that are going on in it while I run. I kept to the walk 1 minute jog 3 format. Minute 0 and 1 were an easy warm up, as was minute 2. minute 3 was the first minute of jogging, and it was pretty easy to get started. I start out jogging as slow as I possably can. Practically a walk. But it's a good warm up. There was a Soccer team practicing on the field in the middle of the track and I was feeling pretty self contious. All these lithe quick guys. I just knew they were watching me and thinking "What in the heck is this fat chick doing? and why is she so slow?" I kept up this argument with myself saying, "You are NOT the center of the Universe, no one is looking at you." But it was hard. About minute 5 Things got really hard. My shin on my left leg, and the ankle on my right started hurting. I tried to ignore everything on my body below my waist, and that helped some. I tried to keep my mind on other things, practiced visulizing my body as I would like it to look. Long strong and shapely legs that carry me easily. I managed to keep up the visualizations for most of the rest of my run. Thinking abut having a nice flat stomach, and strong shapely arms. The only problem with doing it, is that I would tend to speed up too early, and I would have to remind myself to slow down now and then. I also imagined peoples reactions when I could flex a decent muscle and/or show off a six pack. It would be kind of funny to have the guys at work panting... heheheh. Especially one who's made some 'honest' but hurtfull commments on my figure before. I probably shouldn't think that way. What do I care what other people think. But I do. I would love to use my fiance's reation as motivation, but he's reactive to my body, no matter what shape I'm in. NOT that I'm planning to show my body off to anyone else!! One guy kind of gal here... but, just in the 'girl walking by' kind of way. It would be fun to have a whole new body for next years company river rafting trip. Nothing like wearing a bathing suit in front of your coworkers to huble you. Anyway. I finished up my run very strong. Somewhere around 18:30 the nausia started. I knew then that I was doing it right. I was pushing myself to new limits. It felt good in a 'sick' kind of way. And I kept it up all the way to minute 19. I streatched afterwords, and my foot feels pretty good. I'm really happy that I've been able to keep this up, and not have a lot of pain.

Eating wise I did good. We had a GREAT dinner of stuffed chicken breast, and I stayed on plan ALL day. Today should be a challenge, as I have a meeting for work after hours and won't be able to eat dinner at home. I know that the food they have at the meeting will be crappy!

I need to drink water! The meds the Dr gave me say I need to drink Extra water. I did really lousy yesterday. I drank about 4 sodas. And the worse part is I didn't even have any anguish over it. I just bought them and drank them. I'll do better today.

Well, I'm off to do my lower body workout. This should be interesting since I just ran last night!

Things are still going fantastic! I feel like I'm doing everything that I need to do. The results aren't entirely there (still 196), but I know what I'm doing is good for my body, so I'm sticking with it. Of course that might be more of a struggle when things get harder. I know there are times when I'll start to think "Why am I killing myself for no results?" and those will be the times I'll need to get through! For now, things are fairly easy. I'm not having any cravings. I can only attribute THAT to free days. My workouts are intense, but still fun, and I've not been pressed for time lately so I'm not having problems with those either. If my evenings were busier it might be harder, because I would have to workout in the morning, and THAT has always been a issue for me. I've been working on getting up earlier in the mornings, 1 - because I've promised myself to try to get to work on time, and 2 - because I know there are going to be some mornings I have to get up early to excercise. So far I've managed to get up at 7:30 two days in a row. I know that sounds bad to some folks, but I'm a REALLY late riser, so for me 7:30 is early.

I hate my 10's on my upper body workout last night. Everything but the back. I still need to add more weight for that. The amazing thing is that I feel like I've really been working hard and yet I'm not really sore the next day, and I seem to recover quickly. Not that I'm complaining!

Call from my Dr. I have a bladder infection. But other then that I'm OK. My bruise appears to be nothing more then a bruise, which is good news. I was really worried that I might be low on iron or something like that, but I've call the 'all clear' in that regard.

It's monday - the start of a new week. All old ills are forgotten ;) I actually feel like I had a really good week, even though I only lost 1 lb. My measurments are down more and my body fat is down, so I'm making progress. I have to remember not to get all caught up in goals and results and find pleasure in the journey. Not that I'm not planning to see results! I had a great Lower Body Workout on Friday and I ran again on Saturday. My eating has been right on track (if not a little low), and my free day yesterday was in control. I'm finding I can't eat like I used to and even on my free days I tend not to over do it. I'm drinking water more and more, and I'm still staying down to 1 or 2 diet sodas a day. Mentally, I'm feeling a lot better. Of course the fact that 'aunt flo' came to visit helped. I'm still taking pleanty of calcium because I don't want to 'crash' like I sometimes do after my period - depression etc.

I've got a menu planned for the week and I'm going to stick to it! I've got my workouts planned (of course) and I'm going to do all I can to do them all, and to hit my 10's. I WANT to see progress. I will practice with purpose!

I've given up on my "pepsi challenge" All these changes at once, and added on top of that, the fact that they laid off 7 people at my work, was just too much stress. I gave in and bought my second diet soda of the day. I'll give myself a few more weeks and then try to cut back again. I don't have any soda at home, I didn't buy any at the store, it should be easy to skip it over the weekend.

I visited the dr about the bruise. He couldn't tell me much and just ordered a bunch of tests. He didn't tell me that I couldn't continue normal activities, so I'll assume I can. I plan to do my Lower Body Workout when I get home, and do one cardio on Satuday and make up the one I missed yesterday on Sunday. I've got pleanty of good food at home for Saturday, and I picked up some fancy cookies for my free day on Sunday. Looking forward to a GREAT weekend.

Yesterday was bad. Bad bad bad. Here is my list of 'excuses'. I started on my way home and had trouble, so my fiance and to come get me. It was 7:00pm by the time I got home and we left right away to go grochery shopping. So, one good thing there - I did GREAT shopping. I stuck to my list and got a LOAD of good foods! BUT, I didn't get home until 9:30! By then I was STARVING. So, we threw together a salad, I filled up my bowl, inteding to EAT. I got about 1/2 way through my bowl and was feeling full, so I stopped. The bad news is, I only ate a little over 700 calories last night, and after all that I was too tired to workout, I just crashed on the couch and went to sleep. A totally unproductive day. I felt so gulty for not working out, but couldn't find the energy! I WILL make up that missed workout, and I WILL eat better today. I do feel really good about being prepared for the next two weeks. Menues are made and food bought, I have NO excuses in that regard. I'm still strugling to remember to eat. I'm just not feeling hungry anymore. I'm drinking water, and I'm skipping the work BBQ. Nothing there appeals to me. Fish Fish and more fish. Doesn't sound good at all. I wish I could work up a little more enthusiasm.

I'm going to the Dr this afternoon. I have a bruse that isn't healing. I suppose I should talk to him about other things too. I should make a list. I'm really bad about not wanting to go to the Dr. Hopefully this one will have time for me.

All right, I said I would be back, and I am! It's been a strange day! I rushed around this morning, focused on getting all set up to drink my six bottles of water and then left forgetting I needed to pack something to EAT! Duh! I have no cash with me, so I was sitting here fretting about not having anything to eat but read to drink shakes and energy bars when I remembered that I deliberately only ate 1/2 of my sandwich on Tuesday and the rest was still in the fridge. So, I had lunch! So, here are my notes and thoughts on George Leonard's Book called "Mastery, The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment". For anyone looking at long-term goals it a great book to read. Basically, here's how I've applied his thoughts to my goal of weight loss and fitness.

Key 1: Instruction

I suppose a great deal of the blame for my failure to achieve "mastery" of my weight loss and fitness goals has been my lack of choosing an Instructor. Sure, I'll choose one for a while, but it usually doesn't last, and before long, I've moved on to some other method or teacher. Of course, there is a time and a place to move on, but I know I never have REALLY made a commitment. I'm not sure if I should decide now, how long to give this (BFL) to work, or wait. For now, I suppose it's enough that I've committed 12 weeks.

Key 2: Practice

At first, I thought this didn't apply. But then, I realized, at least in the realm of exercise or fitness, there is a time for practice. Then it came to me that in diet too there is practice. It just happens to be on that occurs every day. Sometimes every minute of every day. The key is, as they say, "Staying on the Path". "To practice regularly, even when you seem to be getting no where."

Key 3: Surrender

This was easy for me to spot as a problem area for me. Even when choosing a plan, I was constantly making my own modifications to it. I'm still doing that. Instead of accepting the teacher’s plan, I choose the parts I like and ignore the rest. There will be a time and place for that, but, for now, I'll cease to be "Player of all, Master of none"

Key 4: Internationality

Much of this is - practicing with purpose, but also there was a great deal here that has to do with visualization. Visualization is something I may currently have a problem with. Sure I can see myself exercising, eating correctly, and even running effortlessly, but I cannot, yet, visualize myself as thin toned, and in shape. I'm not even sure how to start. I can't remember ever feeling proud of my body, so I don't even have memories to go on. I'll continue to visualize what I can, and maybe the rest will come to me. It's something to research at the very least.

Key 5: The Edge

I'm not even close to looking over the edge... It may be years before I am... and I'm happy that way, for now.

There was so much more to this book that was both useful and insightful. Perhaps tomorrow I'll put in my notes about resistance to change.

On a less mental note :) I'm still at 196. Feeling mentally like PMS is starting it's strangle hold on my emotions and will power. I WILL work through this. I
WILL not let these dark thoughts keep me from achieving my goals, and if I slip, I'll get back on the path and continue my journey.

Yesterday was a good day. I did my pilates last night, and again it was hard!! I finished reading the book on mastery, and I'm working to put those practices into action, and apply them to my life. I think it's PMS time :( and I'm fighting it with calcium to see if I can beat this. I'm feeling tired and emotioinally wrung out. Will post more later.

Ok, so I'm a posting fool today. I just feel the need to get stuff out right now, I guess. So, its almost 4:30 and I just opened my first pepsi! Now, granted a bought a 1 litre bottle, but still I went most of the day without it. I was getting a mild headache so I figured I better get one before it turned into a NASTY headache. I've also desided to set aside 6 water bottles so that I can make sure I get my 90oz of water in. Baby steps, baby steps. Maybe after I feel comfortable while staying around 1500 calories a day, I can start working on making my meals more nutrisious. I know I should be eating more fruits and veggies! Hmm.. maybe I should start now on a grochery list for next week. It can't hurt to plan, now can it?

I looked at my 'before' pictures again today. They look so sad! I want to put them someplace where I can see them all the time to remind me to 'be good' but I dont want to subject others to the view. I'll have to think about what to do there.

I got my package for the BFL challenge!! I'm actually pretty excited about it. Funny though, I get more fire from the Bikini Babe challenge. Maybe because it seems as if I'm competing against real people, not some unknown faceless crowd. While I was walking to the mailbox I thought of one other reason for doing what I'm doing. I want to be able to walk in shorts and NOT have them crawl up my inner thighs! Why is it, that never seems to happen to the skinny chicks? *sigh* Yet another goal to add to my list!

I ran last night! and it felt so good!! It was like meeting up with and old friend. I really felt like I had worked out at the end of 20 minutes. The time just flew by. My foot hurt a little, but I stretched REALLY good, and took something to keep the inflamation down, and this morning woke up feeling fine! I did good food wise yesterday, though I think I might have to up my calories a bit. They are getting scarily low. I know I need to find more ways to get in my protien. I drank my water about 90 oz or so and I've serisouly limited my cafiene intake. I know it's good for me. I'm still waiting to feel it though. My pilates last night was HARD! The hardest it's ever been. I can feel all the work I've been doing on my abs and they are protesting. I was way out of form last night but finished my practice as best I could. Hopefully it will be better tonight.

I did my upper body workout this morning as I have rehersal tonight. It was HARD. The second week of workout out usually is. But I was so tired! Again, I think upping my protien intake might help that some. But I have to realize that this is all new stuff for my body,and it's going to take some time for it to get used to all this excercise. As usual I'm impatient, but I'm reading a book on mastery that talks a lot about enjoying the journey and not just the destination. I'm working on that.

I was thinking today while I was working out - "Why am I doing this?" I know I want to loose weight. That's a given, but what else do I want out of it, so I started making a list. I want a sexy back, strong firm arms, a flat tummy, a butt that ends were it's supposted to and not high on my back, I want to run a 5K. I want to finally feel like I succeeded.

I bought a book yesterday. Of course that's nothing new for me. I love to read and study, and if weight could be lost by knowledge alone, I would have been at my goal YEARS ago. Still, I find each book I read has at least one point that worth it. This one brings up the idea of UFO's Unidentified Fitness Obstacles. Things that could be keeping you from getting and staying in shape. I took the test and found the results really interesting. Some, I read through and discarded. But there were others that really made me THINK about my actions. One was "Perfectionism" I am terrible for that. When I go on a plan it's ALL OUT, and when I fall off.. I'm ALL the way off. I've got to learn to take small steps and strive for progress. Another item was what they called "Askaphobia" or the Fear of asking for help. I'm rather bad about this, and even when I join support groups, I tend to fall into the habit of being the person offering help instead of asking. I even find that I resent help when it's offered because of my "I'll do it' myself" attitude. I'm working hard on breaking that habit. I know I need diet buddys. People who will support and hold me accountable. The last issue that really caught my eye was "Quickfixia Nervosa" , or Erratic Diet History. This is me in a nutshell. I've barely started one program when I'll read about something else to do or try, and skip on to it. I want so badly for this all to happen quickly and easily. I HAVE to convince myself that I'm in it for the LONG HAUL.

On a less mental note... I did great food wise yesterday, and stayed under 1400 calories. It's almost getting scary how easy it is. Today after two meals I'm feeling really bloated. I think I need to go for a smaller breakfast, and make sure I don't eat until I begin to feel hunger to avoid this in the future. I did a lower body workout yesterday and felt GREAT about it. I have read some 'tips' in my new book about what it means to work a muscle to failure, and I'm going to put them to use on my next workout. I feel as if I could and SHOULD be doing more. I desided not to do pilates yesterday because I really worked my abs during my workout, and I knew I wouldn't be able to be in control for pilates. I think I'll skip pilates on Lower Body Workout days, or only do breathing excercises those days to avoid overtraining or hurting myself.

Engery wise, I'm feeling GREAT. I know that TTOTM (sorry any men out there) is coming soon and I'll be battling fatigue, cravings and weight gain, but I know if I can make it through the first month of that.. I'll be able to battle in on successive months. Funny that PMS is one of the top UFO's for women...

Today I'm going to do some Tae Bo when I get home - and some pilates in the evening. OH and I have no more pepsi at home and I don't plan to buy any more, SO I'm only drinking water at home. That's made it much easier to get my water in. I'm still drinking soda at work, but I'm bringing a 33 oz bottle of water to work and I'm making myself finish it before I'll allow myself a soda. I'm working on breaking this addiction!

I am so pleased with how the weekend went - and how the week went in general. Yesterday was my free day, and I did go wild, but not as wild as I could have. After logging all my food, it looks as though I still stayed under 2500 calories, and with the bike ride and other excercise I may have still not exceeded the number of calories I burned. I can't believe how positive I'm feeling. I took measurements today and they are ALL down! I used them to update my scale and now the body fat percentage is finally going down too. I can definatly feel the difference in my clothes as well. I can say for certain that having that free day certainly made a difference in my will power too. I feel ready to face the week.

I want to make sure I get all my workouts in this week. Like this week, if I miss one day, I'm going to make it up the next. It may not be the optimal way of doing it, but it has to be better then not doing it at all. I also want to work on drinking more water and less soda. I love (diet) soda, and many times I think it saves me from my sweet tooth, but I'm tired of the addiction. I'm tired of always having to make sure I've got a soda around, or face the HEADACHE. I'm going to taper off slowly. I doubt I'll cut it out completely, because it is one of my daily pleasures, but I want it to be a pleasure not a nessecity. I'm not planning to change anything with my food plan. I may try to find a multi-vitamine that has iron in it, and add some brussle sprouts or broccoli into my diet, but otherwise I'm happy with the results. I'm planning on continuing to journal ALL my food, because that has helped SO much. I just need to keep my determination and focus on al the positive things that are happening. I'm going to keep bulding one week on the next until I've finally got the body I want. Maybe one day I WILL be able to visualize a lean and strong me.

yesterday ended well. I didn't get my upper body workout in. I was feeling guilty later for not getting in a workout, so I did a session of pilates. I felt SO much better after that, and I'm actually getting much better at it. I did make one discovery last night. I was laying in bed and was thinking over my week and how well I seemed to be doing. I starting thinking about what it will be like when I get closer to goal, and tried imagining how my body would look. I realized, I couldn't. I have no idea what I would look like, toned and thin! I'm going to have to work on that, that's for sure.

Today I did my upper body workout to make up for yesterday and it went really well. Then we walked a LOT at the Ren faire. I've been doing GREAT food wise, and even managed to pass up cheesecake. I picked up some sugared almonds (some of my favorites) for my free day tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to a really nice, relaxing day. Though I think we're going to go for a bike ride, so I'll get my last cardio in for this week.

Things are going GREAT GREAT GREAT!! I've been dillengent about taking my vitamins, and now I'm looking for holes in my nutrition. It looks as though I'm low on Vitamin K and Iron. Which is interesting because I bruse very easily, and I'm always fighting being tired, so it's possable that the lack of those two vitamins could be causing some anemia. So, I need to up my Dark green veggies. Perhaps some brussle sprouts every day.

So, I don't even know where to start - I did great on my intake yesterday. perhaps a little too low (just under 1300) but I managed to not feel ravinous all day! I think the water helped a lot, and I plan to keep drinking today. I did my cardio when I got home from work. And it was hard! maybe a bit too hard, so I may wait to do that tape again, until I lost a bit more. It's too hard on my knees. Mentally, I'm feeling stronger every day. I'm starting to feel the changes my body is making and that's all I need to keep on keeping on. keeping to my plan through the two rough days Tuesday and Wednesday really did a lot to boost my moral.

I haven't said a lot to my fiance about my new program, mostly because he tends to be a little 'over' supportive. He starts telling me he can see a difference even when he can't. BUT he has noticed my increase in excercise and last night while I was doing cardio, went out to use the total gym. I would love for him to want to tone up, but I'm not going to say anything. It has to be his decision.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. this will be the REAL test. To not let the weekend get the best of me.

The fat fairy must have visted me last night because this morning I woke up and the scale was down 2 lbs!! Ok, so I know people are starting to grumble about me wieghing everyday, so I think I'll explain. I weigh daily, or at least try to. I record those weights and then at the end of the week, I average them for my 'official' weigh in. What I look for is that the average weight goes down. After all, as any woman can tell you, a simple change in hormons can cause an overnight gain of 5 or 6 lbs sometimes. My way of weighing in tends to negate those water gains, and I think keeps me more mentally stable. Last week my average (and I missed weighing in two days) was 199.9. This week my average so far - 199.9! And I'm feeling good about that. Add the fact that I'm feeling good today, and I've got a much better mental outlook.

Here is what I've noticed so far:

I'm starting to feel more energetic in the mornings, and I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to get up early and do my workouts then. Yesterday the shorts I wore (wich were just slightly too big before) were fairly hanging off me. I think I could have pulled them off without unbuttoning them. The slacks I put on this morning feel a LOT more comfortable, and I don't have the roll at the top of them showing against my blouse. I'm standing taller (thank the pilates) My ring fits better. AND, I cheeted and took my waist measurement (where I see losses first) and it's about 1 - 1.5 inches smaller!! yay!

I'm going to have to remember all these postives when the going gets tough! I've also figured out that I need to drink more water. I think that has a lot to do with the overwelming hunger I've been feeling, and the shakeyness. I've really tried to focus on my workout this week, but I may have to shift focus just a little to the water so that I feel better.

Other parts of my life seem to be benefiting from all this work as well. I'm finding it easier to keep up with the housework with the extra energy I have. This morning I was able to make sure everything was picked up and neat before I left, and it's a great relief to know it will look like that when I get home. That way I can do my workout as soon as I hit the door.

I dropped off my car and walked back home. Two miles in 35 minutes and I feel GREAT!! I can't believe how good that felt. Just that chance to stretch my legs and not be worried about HOW I was doing it was really refreshing. for the past two days, whenever I've excercised it was with control. Weightlifting, kickboxing, and pilates are all about form. whereas when I walk I just do it. I don't have to think, I breath, my legs move, my arms swing, and I can enjoy everything that's going on around me. I really need to do that more often!

Still no car, and I'm stuck home again. I ate 1400+ calories yesterday, but felt hungry all evening. I don't like that! I woke up this morning feeling ravinous, shaky and queezy! It was awful. I quickly ate some breakfast (scrambled eggs wrapped in a tortilla) and have been feeling better all morning. I think someone super glued my scale though! I stepped on this morning and it's still exactly 200lbs. I usually do find, that's what happens the second week into a diet. My water weight finally finds a set point. Now I just have to wait for the 'fat flush' I've been working out really hard. And I know that I'm going to build some muscle. I just don't want to get discouraged. I so want to see a change. I want to know that what I'm doing is making a difference. I simply have NO patients. I'm going to have to work on that I suppose. I was running about 185, this time last year, and it took me 12 months to get up to 200. So, I guess I shouldn't be too upset that it's going to take a few months to take it off again. It's just hard. I just find that I need to give myself these mental 'pep talks' way too often. I'm going to stay focused! I AM!

My car broke down, and I didn't go to work today. That was good because I had the time to do my cardio. It felt so good! I actually managed to keep up with most of it. I'll keep doing the beginning kickboxing tape until it doesn't feel like a 10 anymore, then I can work up to the more advanced one. One problem with being home, is that I'm getting bored, and that makes me want to snack. I've worked really hard and keeping myself busy. Finding people to talk to, etc. One good thing that's come from my being diligent about my journalling is that, at least today, It's kept me from eating mindlessly. I keep thinking about snacking on some nuts, but then I think about the fact that I would have to measure it, and then record it, and it becomes too much trouble. So I haven't. One victory for me!!

I had a GREAT day yesterday. This week started the addition of excercise to my schedule, and, as always, it's made a huge difference already in how I feel. I got home last night, tired and ready for nap, and instead I got out my Total Gym and did an upperbody workout. I'm still getting the feel of my limits, but it felt GREAT to get the blood pumping. I don't think I overdid it too much as I'm not over sore, except in a few odd places, like the sides of my elbows. Who knew I had muscles there? I also started practicing pilates. Wow! what a workout. I couldn't believe how week my 'core' muscles were. I'm sore from that too, but it's a good kind of sore. I'm planning to practicing again tonight.

I did great eating yesterday too. I didn't really have any cravings and I did really well on calories. I also did much better with drinking my water, so I feel that over all it was a fantastic day. I'm feeling thinner and my pants feel looser. I'm going to try to restrain myself and NOT take my measurements just yet! But it's hard when I so long for results.. immediatly.

Well, it's monday - 1 week down! Today I 'officially' started the Bikini babe's challenge and I'm also 'officially' starting the BFL challenge. I had a rough weekend. With moving I didn't find the time or energy to eat as I should and last night when we took our moving helpers out to dinner, I threw all the rules out the window and ate everything I wanted. Therefore I knew weigh-in today would be BAD. And it was. Back up to 201.5, but that's still 1 lb less then last week, so postive steps have been taken. The other good note is that I lifted and toated a LOT of stuff this weekend, some of it quite heavy, and I'm not as sore as I was two weeks ago when I helped someone else move. So, I'm taking that to mean that I'm in better shape!

I haven't done my workout yet today. I'm planning to do that when I get home. The 'total gym' is set up and ready to go, so all I have to do is go home and change. For my cardio workout, this week, I'm going to try rotaiting between the different workout tapes I have at home. I have by kickboxing tape and bellydancing tapes that should at least be a start. Hopefully as my weight goes down I can work into running again, but I'm willing to be patient.

I also bought a new lunch box this morning. That way I can pack my lunch and snacks so I'll not be tempted to 'fast food' it while at work. I'm set and ready to go!!

I finally found the time to finish entering my food intake. No wonder I woke up starving this morning! I only had a little over 1000 calories! My weight keeps dropping so fast I'm almost frightened, I just hope it doesn't rocket back up again. I was down 2 more pounds this morning. Though I did weigh late. I'm still wating a week to try to get a baseline on my body fat percentage. I took pictures last night too, and I'm not looking forward to getting them back. I mean, I 'know' how bad I look but to really 'see' it - it's not going to be fun. I haven't been drinking as much water as I should, but I'm working up to changing 1 bad habit at a time. I also bought a - 'kit' I guess is the best thing to call it. Some CD's and some flash cards that I'm going to use to start doing Pilates. I may just start that tomorrow.

Well, I made it through the day, and it guess overall it wasn't too bad. Compared to what was a 'normal' day before this it was down right excelent. My body's still dumping water weight, because I'm down another pound today - 199.5 I wish it could always be this easy! I keep wondering what it would be like to know I could reach my goal weight in two months.. HEH. Oh well... Next year will have to be soon enough. And maybe, I'll deside I'm happy with my body before then. Many of the girls I see, who's body I like, arn't at thier 'goal' weight so maybe I don't have far to go as I would think. I just need to get through this first 12 weeks! Overall I'm doing fairly well with my eating. I even got into the cookies last night and instead of eating them, grabbed a handfull of them and put them in a bag in the freezer. Knowing I was storing them away for my free day was almost as satifying as eating them outright. ALMOST. I'm going to keep doing that when I'm tempted.. hopefully the freezer won't get too full!

Dinner was not good!! I was really hungry and everything looked so good! I really overdid it. At least it seems like I did when I put it on paper, but I don't feel overstuffed physically. I guess it's just going to take a while to break all these old habits. I'm glad that I'm not starting my 'offical' challenge until next week. Hopefully I will be adjusted by then. Either that or I'll have totally given up. I hope NOT the latter. I guess I just had to get on here and confess. Make sure that this wasn't an excuse to binge.

I've spent a lot of time on the web today. Looking for ideas and inspiration. I think I may have found it in the MSN groups. I found a group of women who are doing the BFL challenge and doing challenges between themselves! I joined and I can't wait to see the difference I can make in 12 weeks. I pretty much have the eating down. I don't think that's going to be an issue for me. I've started two food journals and (well it HAS only been two days) I've been keeping up on them. I'm actually encoraged by how well I've been doing so far. I know to REALLY do this challenge I need to figure out my workout. I'm going to start on the 4th in earnest (the begining of the challenge) Until then I have time to workout a workout. I have a total gym at home so I'll probably use that for my weight workout. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for cardio though since I can't see to get past the injury to my foot. I need to find something I can do intervals with, as well as something that low impact. Help? Anyone?

It's morning - I made it through 1 entire day. 1 down 83 to go. I'm hoping that eventually I get a burst of energy, and some motivation and start to feel some HOPE. At the moment I just feel so let down. Everything I've tried has failed... I just don't want this to fail too.

I stopped at curves this morning to look around. They offered me a really good deal, wich I liked, but I got mad at the high pressure sale techniques. "Buy now or forget it" Needless to say, I left without buying.

The good news is, I dropped two pounds since yesterday. I know it's just water weight.. etc etc. But if felt good to see it non-the-less. I also took my measurements last night and started a chart of my body fat % so that I'm ready for whatever losses come my way. I know I'm going to need to excercise to REALLY see results, but for now I'm just willing to see ANY bit of loss.

So, I'm trying to figure out my goals for this first 12 weeks - First of all - I want to be down to 177lbs. and about 46% Body Fat. I also want to be down to (almost) a size 12. Hmmm. Just thinking that might be possible is encoraging to me. 12 weeks to a size 12? I wonder if I can do that. It's certainly motivating to try.

At the moment I'm tracking EVERYTHING. what I eat, when I eat, why I eat, and how I feel after. That way if I start to slide I'll hopefully see why. maybe this will help me get a handle on my binges, cravings and emotional eating. Can't hurt. I just have to stay diciplined and stay on it.

Well, that's it for now.

Well, it looks like I made it through the day. I ate 6 small meals and stayed on plan. I wish I felt better about it, but at the moment I just feel hungry. I'm pretty sure I need to drink more water. Perhaps that's where my hunger is coming from. But, I did make it through the day. One day at a time - one meal at a time. I didn't excercise yet. I have 100 hundred reasons why not. Most of them more like excuses then real reasons. But I have an appointment to go to curves in the morning to figure out if I want to excercise there. I'm planning on getting to bed early... I'm sure 8 hours of sleep will help out a lot. Hopefully I'll feel a bit more positive tomorrow.

I weighed in at 202.5 today. I can't stand the thought that I'm over 200 once again. I swore this wouldn't happen more then once. why do I constantly let meyself down? Why is it so hard for me to say "no". I need to figure out this mentality of mine. I WILL journal. I think this is the key to my weight loss. Figuring out WHY I eat instead of just what and when. The next step will be to figure out a convientant way of doing it. Must not fail to plan :)

So far today I had a fried egg and two slices of toast for breakfast. I ate because I was hungry and felt full and satisfied when I was done. For my midmorning snack I had a protien bar because I was starting to feel hungry. I haven't had lunch yet. But I'm not feeling hungry or having any cravings. It's the cravings that get to me.

Hmmm.. I can't believe it's been a week since I've checked in. I had a pretty good week so far. a decent upper and lower body workout. Two good days of treadmill work, and a 5 mile hike on Saturday. I have even been doing well on my food.. until Sunday when my Fiance brought home a loaf of french bread he won at the checkout counter while picking up some diet soda. Oh it was SO good! but I got up this morning and the scale said 190!! *sob* I know I'm toning, and that my body is getting stronger. I'm actually seeing an improvement in my energy levels and I think I'm losing inches. but... 190 lbs! I have to say that that number has motivated me even MORE to hit the gym tonight. I think I'm ready to start pushing my workouts to a level 10.. I just hope I don't overdo it.

I got an email from someone (Yay someone actually reads this!) Thank you for the suggestions for drinks. I found the EAS Advant Edge "Carb Control" drinks seem to be doing the trick for me. They are quick, taste ok, don't seem to upset my stomach, and only have 2 grams of carbs. :) One in the afternoon about 3:00 seems to hold me over until after my workout, so I'm satisfied.

For anyone looking for a "sweet treat" I have discovered Sugar Free italian sodas. English Toffee, Carmel, Amareto... Throw them in the blender with some ice and milk and WALA a milk-shake tasting drink I'm sure there's a way to throw some protien powder in there to make it a little more 'legal' I make mine with whipping cream to keep a handle on the carbs.

I must remember to take measurements tonight....

My weekend started fine, and then dissolved into a two day long 'free day' :| BUT, I am down to 187.5... I can finally walk across the room without pain, so tonight I hope to do my lower body work out again. I'm going to be a lot more careful about my calf workout though!

Not much else to report. I'm feeling confident, and better physically and mentally, even if my body isn't showing a great deal of improvement yet. I'll give it time.