Monday, July 14, 2008

I'm not dead yet

I wish I could delete this blog and pretend it never happened. Rather then be an inspiration it's a big ugly painting of the failure that is me - not just once but at least twice.

It makes it hard to start again. Hard not to look over the years, months of glowing "I've got it this time!" Only to know, I did 'got' it.

I fell, and I fell hard. I haven't stopped trying, but it's gotten harder and harder to continue to try. And it seems each attempted is shorter then the last.

I feel broken. What is wrong with me that I can come so close to ultimate success and then throw it away - repeatedly.

So, what's next for me? to keep trying... The very definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again and expect different results. And yet, I do. Maybe I am insane - I certainly feel that way sometimes. I have no magic pill. No secret new plan or formula this time. I have no new kernal of hope that I'm clinging to with the knowledge that this 'thing' is what's different.

I've got nothing and it makes it really hard to even think about starting. But I have to start and I have to try and I have to keep trying because I refuse to believe that THIS is the best I can do. That this is the body and the life that I have to settle for.

I'm rambling, I know. I'm trying to put words to something that maybe isn't describle.

You don't have to read my blog - you don't have to believe that one day I'm going to beat this. You don't have to comment or cheer me on - although I appreciate those things when you do. But I need this place. I need to journal and to record the good the bad and the ugly. I need to be successful and document that - and I need to be unsuccessful and be able to vent about that as well.

So, if you are here and reading this, thank you. If you are looking for perfection: go away. If you are looking for inspiration: that might happen here, but don't blame me if you don't find it. I want to inspire but don't promise it. If you want real, honest, raw; sometimes funny, sometimes insiteful then stick around.

I missed you my blog! (and my blogger friends too).