Originally uploaded by SAMBoddy
So I wanted to share it with you ;)
Last night I sat in my closet and cried.
I was trying to pull out clothes to wear for today and it hit me how much I hate getting dressed everyday. How much I had scanning my closet looking for something that didn't pinch, cling or gape. I looked over the rows of clothes sitting on the hangers and realized how little of it fit and how little of that the did fit I liked. One might expect a moment like that to motivate you but it just left me feeling so drained of any energy or motivation that it was all I could do to finish the task and drag myself into bed.
The feeling carried over into the morning. I could not seem to get my feet under me. I did my workout but there was no 'omph' to it. I felt like I was simply going through the motions. Yes, it was a good workout but there was no passion in it. What happened to the passion?? Instead what kept going through my head was "why am I doing this? it's not like it's going to do any good. I worked my ass off before and what happened? Nothing - back to the same ol' place. Nothing's changed..."
I don't know what I need to do to shake off these feelings. It could just be a monthly thing - who knows. I do know I'm tired of feeling this way, but at the same time the feelings are so draining that I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I feel like I'm stuck in this sick vicious circle.
In a way I feel like this drowning person who's just gone down for the third time. I feel the water closing in over my head. I struggle to swim, to breath even though theres no oxygen left to breath. I force myself to hope even though there's no real passion or fire behind that hope. It's like I hope because I have to. Because to stop hoping means to die.
And yet - I got up this morning and went to the gym. I had a good/wholesome shake for breakfast and an excellent post workout meal. I've got a great lunch packed and by my side. Deviating from my plan right now would require too much effort on my part. I've got no energy for effort.
Hopefully these feelings will pass. I may look at this in a day or in a week and go - what the hell was I writing about there?
I hope so.
As I warned when I came back to my blog - this isn't going to be all about successes. i'm going to blog when I'm up and when I'm down - I'm sorry if people get tired of my mood swings - of my whining of my constant struggle for inner peace about my outer appearance. But this is me in all my ugliness. And this is my blog. Yes I want you to like it to get something from it. But if you don't - as harsh as it sounds - too bad. This is about me and for me. I need to feel free to write about who/what and where I am at any given time.
I hope everyone's having a better life then me at the moment. :)
Not perfect, not terrible, but OK. and I'm ok with that. I haven't hit the gym as often as I would like but I haven't been sitting 24x7. Food hasn't been perfect, but I've been eating with awareness. Working hard to avoid those 'what the hell' moments that turn into a month of binge eating.
I want to blog more/more often because I know it helps me keep on track. At the moment I have another goal beyond the numbers. I have a dress that I bought last year for the Christmas Party. At the time I bought it I needed to lose about 5 lbs to wear it. I didn't - I gained about 5 instead. I want to wear it for the party this year. I'm going to snap a picture of it so it's in my face for a reminder.
1. Pina Colata Protein Shake - 217 c, 2. Vanilla Wheat - 240c, 3. Turkey Sandwich & Banana - 456c, 4. Arby's Roast Beaf - 420c
As I've become short of time - I've watched my food degrade to this *sigh*. I must take the time to plan and execute - pittiful
1. Pina Colata Protein Shake - 217 c, 2. ProMax Bar (Again) - 290c, 3. Salad - 313, 4. IMG_0319
Not enough food for the amount of working out I did... 1.66 mile Run, 5 Mile Bike, 150 Meter Swim, Plus three sets of squats... forgot my lunches in the car and had to improvise - not bad for improvising :)
Created with fd's Flickr Toys.
1. Eggs and Waffles - 273c, 2. Promax (yum!) - 290c, 3. Chicken and Bean Salad - 199c, 4. Boiled Eggs and Pineapple - 303c, 5. PBJ & brownie - 415c, 6. Sorry Folks
Yes - I know meal three is an empty bowl... :( forgot to take the photo before eating...
Had a good day. Could have been disasterous at the end of the day. Hubby decided at the last minute to go bowling... I skipped the fries and ate the snack I brought with me. When we got home though I was tired and really wanted to just eat whatever was handy. I at least took the time to make a semi healthy sandwich. Now time for bed!
So I was a little less focused this day. Didn't plan ahead and it showed.
Morning was Breakfast Buffet. I have to say Breakfast food is some of my favorite. I started with a plate full of eggs, sausage, bacon, tator tots, crescent, and french toast. Then I went back again and Had fruit, cream of wheat and a little more bacon and sausage. I will say that I was proud of one thing. Other then the crescent I completely avoided the paistry table and man was there a lot of it.
I ate so much though that I wasn't really hungry the rest of the day. I picked up a Musketeers (mint) at Frys on the road. then had a snack of cheese and a banana. Later when it came time for dinner I wasn't up for cooking anything, and I really still was craving sweets so I whipped up a shake. And MAAAAAAAAAN was it good
Again I found that a splurge - free meal - whatever you want to call it really made it hard to focus back on 'good food'. Will have to watch that always in the future.
'dieting' while on a trip can sometimes be a pain. I know this and so I tried to plan a little ahead. You see we were planning to go to Reno over the weekend and while I didn't want to feel deprived while I was there, I still wanted to make progress. Going on the BFL/EFL premise that every week should have a free day, I took a little liberty with the concept and make my free day 1/2 on Saturday and 1/2 on Sunday. This isn't a practice that I would make a habit, but knowing our schedule I thought I could make the most of my trip this way.
So... I started the day with a really nice breakfast of Spicy Omelet. Then I blended up a peanut butter and chocolate shake and put it in the 'to-go' cup. I also packed a sandwich and some carrots to take with me.
Because I had planned ahead, brought food and had already set in my mind what was going to be 'allowable' when we stopped a diner to have lunch, it was easy and I was happy to 'say no' to a burger and fries, knowing I had a nice sandwich waiting for me in the car.
Dinner was... yum yum yum. Rather then fill up on stuff just because I wanted to taste it I grabbed stuff I knew would be GREAT. I even threw some veggies on my plate to make a nicer 'rounder' meal.
I did the same at the desert table. Resisted the urge to put all the pies on my plate to 'sample' and just grabbed what I knew was my favorite.
all in all I felt very satisfied with the day. The only 'bad' part was later that night. After 'splurging' at dinner I really had to resist the urge to keep on eating. At a liquore store later I found myself starting to 'mentally graze' through the candy and nuts section. As soon as I figured out what I was doing I fixed my mind on other things and went on my way. It did really put things into perspective and made me even more aware as to how powerful the overeating (binging) habit is with me.
No really - oh god... what have I done
Actually since I took these a few days ago I'm not feeling as bad about it as I should. But I'm willing and ready to forgive myself, move on, and make progress. time to stop whining about what used to be, what could have been and all that. Time to start moving forward.
And for my own sanity, I would like to point out that I am deliberately standing very relaxed in these photos - I don't normally 'let it all hang out' while walking around during the day.
First Day of the rest of my life... :) New commitment - new rules. Will post more later.
Actually yesterday was a trial run. Today's the official 'start date'
1. Egg Burrito 230c, 2. Raspberry Protein Shake 370c, 3. Ruben Pita 479c, 4. Banana and Orange Dip 348c, 5. Baked chicken and Pasta 383c, 6. Brownies - 56c