Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I don't know what to do

I've tried being excited, getting angery, sad... taking a day at a time, planning 12 weeks, looking forward a year... Still I struggle, and feel as if I'm running in a hamster wheel - getting nowhere. Part of myewants to take everything I've been trying to do and throw it out the window and find a whole new approach. Yes, I'm talking about the BFL lifestyle - It's not that it doesn't work. I know it does, but somehow, I'm broken... at least it feels that way. But then the other part of me says "It works if you do it... you just need to do it! Don't quit, don't be a failure!"

What am I working against here?

1) an addiction. As Jay said, a destructive behavior that I recognize, but don't seem to be able to do anything about. At least not for large periods of time. I do it for a while. Usually only if I'm super stict- then I start getting obsessive about being strict and the next thing I know I'm starving myself. Not Good. It's not emotional eating. It's not hunger. Those don't drive me to eat. But it's the sheer PLEASURE of eating. I love food. I love the taste and the variety. I love cooking it and eating it. and the more I focus on it, the worse it seems to get! It's Glutony pure and simple! So, what do I do? Do I pick up the pieces and plow on? Spend hours planning meals, focusing on what's 'good' and 'bad' and continue to give food power? I'm just so FRUSTRATED! Here's what I'm SERIOUSLY consitering...Returning to Weigh down. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a christian weight loss program that tries to 'cure' you of your food addiction. Helping you recognize hunger and eat in accordiance with your bodies needs. It also strips foods of thier power. There is NO 'Good' or 'Bad' food. Everythings allowed as long as your are hungry when you eat it and you stop when you are full. Sounds simple, but it's not. But taking away food's power over me. It's ability to make me FEEL as though I'm worthy or unworthy... I may need to go back to that.

2) Lazyness - That's the only reason I can give for constantly skipping workouts. I'm not ill. I've got a lot of time. I'm reletively healthy, but do I do what I should? No! It's like that law you learned in science class... an object at rest tends to stay at rest.. that's me a big ol' resting object. Wanting to be healthy isn't enough of a motivator, and as I said before all those other emotions haven't changed anything either. I need some purpose. Some good and valid reason to workout. The only idea I've had so far is to join a dance class. Returning to Ballet... Perhaps THAT would motivate me... I dunno... At the moment I'm stuck and I'm at the end of my rope. But maybe that's not an entirely bad thing. maybe what I need to do is let go?
This weekend we go on our annual weekend trip with my company. I SO had visions of wowing everyone this year, and instead, I'm only about 10 lbs lighter then last year's trip. BAH!

And I'm sitting here having to walk past PILES of paistries each time I run to the bathroom... I just want to go home and curl up in a dark room right now.. really.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


Friday it started, an ice cream and some cookies - and then it continued - Monday I was thinking.  This will start on Tuesday, I'm going back to work.  Then I walk into work and remembered it was someone's 40th birthday and they had brought in every breakfast no-no known to man, and I continued to graze.  I think it may have just stopped when 10 minutes ago, while eating cake, I realized that I was moments from making myself sick!

Why do i do this?  How does it go so far so fast.  How can I stand there poping doughnuts the whole while hating the way I feel in my clothes?  I don't understand the mentality and it's ME doing it!

I'm a food adict.  I know this.. I known it for a while.  What I haven't figured out is how to get over it.  The only way for me to do this seems to be cold turkey, but then the body's not designed to go without food - so I'm left having to monitor myself.  ARG.. this is all so frustrating and currently so completely depressing.

No - I'm NOT giving up.  I'll continue to bang my head against this brick wall until SOMETHING gives.  Hopefully it's not my head!

I'm going to run tonight - 2 miles - hopefully my sluggishness will be gone by then.  And I'm going to do better.  No, not tomorrow, but here and now.  There is no reason why I can't make the rest of today count...


Monday, July 26, 2004

First off, I know - I shouldn't use the word can't...
Second - No, I don't mean Body-for-Life per se. There is no doubt in my mind that this is the lifestyle for me and that it will bring the results I want.

However, I, like many, want to make this FOR LIFE. I'm tired of the yo-yos. Of falling on and off the wagon (sometimes for a year at a time). I want a plan that I can stick to - for life and what I'm currently doing won't cut it.

Here's my current schedule:

5:30 the alarm goes off 5:45 I crawl out of bed, shower, dress, blend a shake (that I mesured out the night before) grab some tea and then head out the door. 6:15 I'm on the road. Drink shake, drink tea. 7:00 Grab the ferry, sleep 8:15 Arrive at work - work - eat three meals 5:00 Grab the Ferry Home. Do Misc paperwork, eat meal five, Plan meals, workouts, sleep 6:00 Jump in the car 6:45 Arrive at home, change 7:00(ish) Start my workout. 8:00(ish) Finish Workout - start dinner, eat 9:00(ish) Start making lunches (I have to pack 5 meals for the next day) 10:00 Time for bed.

As you can see, by the time I've finished taking care of the BFL side of my life - I've no time left for anything else! There's no doubt in my mind that if I keep going this way I'll soon give up - AGAIN.

One option is to get up and workout in the morning (see me falling over and laughing) I've never had any luck doing that. When I plan morning workouts I set myself up for failure and I hate starting my day like that. Having already let myself down. Plus - Because I'm a person who REALLY needs her sleep, it would mean going to bed an hour earlier at night. So, it kind of defeats the purpose.

So the only other option I've thought about is to become really really good at preparing my meals. I'm sure that with the right plan I could make my five 'to-go' meals in a heck of a lot less time then the hour (or more) that it's currently taking me. some of the ideas I've had is premaking pancakes and protien muffins. Boiling loads of chicken and eggs (yes, I boil chicken for many of my meals simply because I can put it in a pot and then walk away and it doesn't heat up the house as much as baking it) But after that I start to get stumped.

I need to figure out some things I can either make in bulk and have it last for a week, or that I can throw together in less then five minutes the night before.

I would rather avoid Meal Replacement Drinks and Bars because, the point of this, for me, is to not only be in shape but to be healthier, and traiding one sort of processed food for another, doesn't seem the correct path for me.

What's funny was when I first started thinking about this that little doubter in my head started up her negative talk. "If you make stuff this way, you'll end up eating the same thing every day!" Then I realized. Even when I'm not 'living' the life. I end up eating the same things every day. A Egg, Cheese and Bacon Bagel for Breakfast, a Sandwich or Salad bar for lunch... So a few of the same meals doing the week is not going to kill me.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Alright, I’ve been away for a few days so I’ll try to catch you up.

Wednesday, I came home so tired! I dropped on the couch as soon as I got home and didn’t move for the rest of the night. Literally. I didn’t even cook dinner! Instead my fiancĂ© made me a PB&J Sandwich. Not exactly the ginger chicken I had planned, but not terribly bad either. I was also so tired I didn’t plan the next day. Bad mistake because it was a day in desperate need of planning!

Thursday I had an all day meeting. (These happen once a quarter of so). I knew lunch was provided so I would be stuck eating pretty much what they provided. I needed to be to work early too and this limited my breakfast prep time. Breakfast ended up being a bagel with PB on in. On the way into work I picked up and then snacked on an energy bar because I knew it would be a LONG time ‘til lunch. If I only knew HOW long! We finally took a break at 1:00pm. I was so hungry I had a headache and was shaking. Times like that are REALLY dangerous for me because the urge to get sugar to the blood stream FAST is almost too much. Cravings for candy bars were almost overcome by cravings for burgers and fries when I walked past Burger King, but I resisted and forced myself to visit Subway instead (one of my LEAST favorite fast food places). A turkey sandwich and baked lays later and I was feeling a bit better. I went past the Wallgreens and picked up another energy bar for later, and ended up eating it before end of the lunch hour. By the time I got home I was exhausted and STARVING. I grabbed a cheese stick and went to bed. I was feeling a little better after a short nap, but not a lot. Dinner was a NICE healthy blackened chicken (ping me if you want the recipe) and rice.. YUM!

Today I woke up and it was OBVIOUS by the way I was feeling that I haven’t been eating enough. I was week and shaky and my stomach was so upset that I thought I was going to hurl. All symptoms I recognize. So, I had a serving of beef jerky and a bagel. Waited about an hour– still feeling crap. Had scrambled eggs and toast. A little better, but still feeling hollow about an hour later, so I had a energy bar to top it all off. Much MUCH better now! As much as I HATE tracking my food if this happens again I’m going to start doing it. It’s just much much too easy for me to eat less and less every day until I’m worn out and eating too too little.

In other news, the scale said 185.5 this morning. Das ist Gute…

OH! And what is today? Friday? My arms still hurt SO BAD! Well not really my arms, but my chest! I’m not sure another upper body workout is in a works, but if not, I think I’ll run and make up yesterday’s missed workout.

Still in this thing!

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Last night at Divaquest Bisous asked us “Do people have parts of their bodies they are really proud of? Kickin' biceps, awesome shins? Quads of steel?” And that got me thinking.

Of course my first response was “I have nice cleavage”, but that was HARDLY appropriate for a fitness board. The other thoughts that followed weren’t very apropos either, “I have nice hands.”, “I really like my feet”.I really had to THINK about it!

I’m pretty proud of my biceps, but only when compared to the rest of my body. When you hold them up to someone like Skwigg well, let’s just say I haven’t much to brag about. Same goes for my back/shoulders.

Somehow there’s a part of me that feels this is VERY VERY wrong. Shouldn’t there be SOMETHING of mine, that I’ve created, sculpted, worked for that I’m willing to show to the world?

Truth is, right now – NO.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

I know it's late, but I wanted to check in before the day was through -

How did I do?  Let's see:
Drink water? Started - will finish in the 15 minutes before I hit the bed
Eat on Plan?  check!
Training Run?  2 miles! check (kicked my butt it did)
Vits?  Umm... I guess I should do that now -but hate to sleep with that stuff in my tummy

I did 1/2 of my "things for others"  50% hmm

And for tomorrow?
Drink 48oz of water
Lower Body baby! and with the new barbell - cool!
Eat on Plan (see plan below)
and let's try to get those vitamins in shall we?

Things to do for others?
Bug my coworker about working out again (shame him if I have to)
Ask someone to walk with me at lunch? (Ick)

What did I do well today?
I ate on plan! yippy (passed up cookies and naco wafers)
I ran even when I didn't want to
I drank water while running (thus giving me an early start)

What could I do better?
Drink EARLIER (even more so)

Food Plan:
B - Blueberry pancakes
S - Power Muffin (it's the last of those)
L - Leftover chicken from tonight
S - Yogurt and fruit and PP (I'm liking this can you tell?)
D - Ginger Chicken with rice
S - shake (maybe - I've been skipping and feeling fine)

Lower Body! yay (I'm trying to look forward to it  LB is my LEAST favorite day)

Alright, I'm ready to face tomorrow now!


When I got home, I was tired.  Not just tired, but TIRED.  I wanted to just curl up on the couch and not more again ‘til morning.  I tried to justify sitting there for ‘just an hour’.  But I knew, if I gave myself a hour to sit, that it would turn into two hours, and that it would get harder and harder to get up the longer I sat.  So, I didn’t sit.  I got up and changed my clothes and ran.  And you know what? I feel TONS better now that I did!
Time to make dinner.
blogger is eating my posts again!

I'm telling!
As I said last nigh,t yesterday was perfect food, water, excercise. It all worked out.

I woke up this morning KNOWING it had been a good day. I couldn't roll over because my abs and legs were hurting from the bent rows. I'm really glad I chose to skip the tris and bis last night because if I was any more sore then I am right now, I would be incompasitated.

Weight: 186.5 (Ok, even _I_ am saying "Huh?" about this)
Mood: VERY VERY good

Status so far: On plan - YAY!

Monday, July 19, 2004

Meals and workout are planned for tomorrow.  All I have left for today's goals is to drink my water.  Hmm, guess I better get up and get a glass!...
There - Now I'm sitting here with 32oz of water beside me.  No excuses!
So, tomorrow's goals:
Drink 40oz of water
Do my training run!  (someone want to send the 'no excusses' fairy over to my house?)
Eat what's on my plan, nothing more!
Try taking a vitamine or two?
Two things I'll do for others:
Make lunch for my honey: (Done)
Give (someone who I'll not name here) the weightloss book to read
Three things I did well today:
Ate on plan!  Like SO on plan - passed up all the crap at the store.  Didn't eat any of the cookies that are in the cupboard.  I just had a GOLDEN day.
Did my workout.  Worked my weenie arms until they were BEGGING for mercy
went for a walk.  Even though my plan didn't call for it, a few extra steps never hurt anyone!
One thing I could do better:
Spread my water out over the day instead of putting it off until 9:00pm!
Food Plan:
Breakfast - Oatmeal Pancakes
Snack - Power Muffins
Lunch - chicken Quesedilla
Snack - Yogurt, fruit, and Protien Powder
Dinner - Chicken Parmisian
Snack - Shake
A run on the treadmill (2 miles) First 20 minutes BFL style intervals.
There! Everythings all planned out for tomorrow - that feels GOOD!
I think it’s a pretty good sign when you finish your workout and can’t lift your water bottle to get a drink when your done!
Yeah, I had a good workout.  First off because I did it, secondly because I did it with the wholehearted support of the one I love, and last but not least, because I put 100% into it and I am TOAST!  Can you say noodle arms?
It didn’t start out so great.  I opened up my new barbell; all excited about using it for the first time, and realized that it was missing the collars that were supposed to come with it!  Just that little set back had me thinking twice about working out, but my honey wouldn’t let me get off that easily.  I borrowed the collars from my dumbbells and forged ahead! 
First was chest.  Bench press (on the swissball)
55lbs x 12
I don’t know what I was thinking.  I loaded the bar WAY too heavy. Barely finished the 12, so I left the weight the same for the next set.
55 x 10
Still heavy!
55 x 8
Almost OK so I bumped the weight for the next set
60 x 6
Bench Flyes
15 (each) x 12
That was a 10.5!
Next, Shoulders – Upright rows
10lbs x 12
15 x 10
20 x 8
25 x 6
20 x 12
all too easy – need to up by 5 lbs next time
Lateral Flye
2 lbs x 12
WAY too easy – maybe 3lbs next time?
Next Back – Bent Row
40lbs x 12
45 x 10
50 x 8
55 x 6
It was really getting hard so I dumped more weight then I normally would for the final set
45 x 12
Bent Flye
5lbs x 12
too easy – need to be heavier next time – maybe 7.5
I skipped biceps and triceps this time – My arms were already toast from the previous exercises. 
I just have two more meals to eat and I’m finished for the day!  AND it’s been PERFECT!! Wooo Hooo!
Alright - I'm flooding the airwaves with posts - but that's just how motivated I am today.
in twelve weeks I will:
lose 20 lbs
drop 2.5 off my chest
drop 2.75 off my ribs
drop 4.5 off my waist
drop 3.75 off my Hips
drop 3.5 off my butt
drop 2 off each thigh
drop .5 off each upper arm
drop .5 off each calf
I will drop 12% off my body fat.
Currently I am 190 lbs at 46.9% Body fat
In twelve weeks I will be 170 pounds and 34.9%
To achive this goal in the next four weeks I will:
lose 6.67 lbs
drop 4% body fat
drop .83 off my chest
drop .92 off my ribs
drop 1.5 off my waist
drop 1.25 off my hips
drop 1.17 off my butt
drop .67 off each thigh
drop .17 off each calf
drop .17 off each upper arm
In four weeks I will weigh 183.3 lbs and be at 42.9% body fat.
How will I do this? 
I will plan and eat BFL sytle meals 6 days a week. 
Free days are on Sundays - no exceptions
I will workout 6 days a week.  Weight Training Mon/Wed/Fri Running Tue/Thu/Sat  Sundays are a rest day. 
If I miss a workout I will make it up on Sunday but these occurances will be rare
I will drink water during the day.  Starting with 32oz today and adding 8 oz a day until I reach a minimum of 1/2 my body weight (currently that would be 94oz)
I will journal what I eat and why as this was a big help in getting my focus in my first successful BFL challenge.
I will love myself enough to treat my body to the best foods and excercise.
IF I honor my self promices for six weeks I will buy a chin up bar to add to my home gym.
Come up with a reward list
Create a food journal
----There's more I'm sure so I'll add to this as I think of it.
Holey Cow!  No wonder it looks as if I've gotten my 'linebacker' back - back.  I've put 2 inches back on my chest measurement, 2 on my rib measurement and I'm back to a 38" waist!  Ick! Ick! Ick!  Something Must be done, and I'm doing it!
GOD, I'm glad that's over with!  here's my thoughts
1 - it could be worse. a LOT worse - in fact, it's BEEN worse
2 - it's obvious that a greater percentage of my weight gain has been (as I suspected) in my bust area. 
3 - My 'linebacker' back has returned - this MUST be taken care up
4 - What happened to my bicepts?
I'll take and post photos again in 4 weeks.  I'm also going to take a few pictures in 'regular' clothes so that I can get a visual there as well, but I won't put you all through the pain of posting them :)
I'm actually kind of excited.  It's going to be fun to do this again in four weeks if I really stick to my guns.  Maybe having these photos up here will help...

Money Shot 7/19 Posted by Hello

Back 7/19 Posted by Hello

Side 7/19 Posted by Hello

Front - 7/19 Posted by Hello
Ok - that was wierd - the post that was lost - is now found!?
Alright,  I come, I go.  I start, I restart.  About the only thing positive I can say about myself is that I don't give up!  HA!
Last week was abismal.  In fact, I even wrote a post about how abismal Thursday was, and it was so bad the internet ate it!  let's just say that my day's menues consisted of, B-Cupcakes, L-Cookies, D-Bizzard from DQ.  Yeah, real adult don't you think?  The only positive thing I can think to say is that I lived to tell about it!  I didn't even have PMS to blame for THAT one.
Todays GOOD news?  I actually have my menu planned and my lunches packed.  All my food is ready to go, and that's a BIG step for me.  Also, I bought a barbell (to go with my dumbbells) and I'm so excited to use it that I should have no problem getting my workout in. 
Weight 190 -
Goals:  Eat what I planned, nothing more,  Do an upper body workout, Drink 32oz of water, Plan tomorrow's meals
I also need to do my measurements so I can baseline my progress.  I actually signed up for the BFL challenge today and so, I may as well START today.  measurements and pictures - gah this is seeming so - official now ;)

Friday, July 16, 2004

Yesterday was one of those days. One of those days that I need to have less of, and talk about more. Talk about only so I can figure it out and keep it from happening again... It was one of those days where I revert to my childhood fanticies and eat everything I dreamed about as a kids eating as an adult. *sigh* and I didn't even have PMS to blame for it all. So, are you ready? I can see the horror dawning in your eyes. You have these visions and the reality could turn out to be much worse or much better then what you are imagining.

Breakfast - happened about 2:00 in the afternoon. I had slept until noon. It was on the run, I had to be someplace.... I ate two hostess yellow cake cupcakes.

Lunch - a few moments later. I was still hungry of course, and the sugar had just started to take a hold of my blood stream... what better then add to the mix. Strawberry filled and Lemon filled cookies (This was my fruit serving for the day). Oh and the stripped shortbread cookies too. (Does it count as food because it had the word BREAD in it?)

Dinner - again on the run. I was going to just get a soda while going through the drive through, but I had a few dollars in my pocket and it WAS Dairy Queen... a chocolate chip cookie blizzard somehow ended up in the car with me, and from there in my mouth... (HA it was dairy - right?)

and that was it! Writing it makes me want to hurl. I can't belive I ate such CRAP. No wonder I feel swollen and sluggish today. I should feel worse about then I do though. For some reason the childish side of me is a little smug at eating all that and getting away with it. After all, who's going to tell me no?

The rest of this week WILL be better. Saturday I'm going to plan my meals for the next week and Sunday do all the shopping, so next week is going to be steller. If only I could find a way to harnes the power of that little brat who made me eat ice cream for good instead of evil!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I know what you're thinking! Yeah, I hear ya... "She's fallen off the wagon again..." "She's probably 10 lbs heavier by now.." BUT, guess what! I've actually been doing well. I've just been busy as hell! heheheh.

Weight today 186.5 (BooYA!) I even did a BFL style leg workout last night! Yeah Yeah Yeah! I haven't been 100% but I've been 95% at least and getting a lot of 'incedental' excercise. Hiking, walking, housework, that sort of stuff. It's all good! This week I'm going to try to focus on a structured workout routine and get back into the habit of lifting weights. I'm seeing some small changes here, starting to get excited, and I'll do my best to keep you informed!

Thursday, July 01, 2004

187.5!! whoop! I LOVE the first week back on plan. All that water weight. heh.

Another clean eating day! Yay! Feeling really good and really strong right now. Yes, the smores candy bar is still calling my name, but it's getting quieter.

I've a 2 mile run planned for tonight!