Indulge me for a moment. I've mentioned that I'm reading "Mastery" by George Leonard again, and I've been once again inspired by his insites. I want to share a bit of it here.

Mr Leonard describes "The Five Master Keys".

The first is Instruction. He says: "Instruction comes in many forms. For mastering most skill, there's nothing better than being in the hands of a master teacher." He goes into depth on what makes a good instructor, how to find one, how to move on if you find your instructor isn't a good fit for you, etc. I can see how a lot of this applies to My particular journey. After all, there are a lot of instructors out there, Bill Phillips, Dr Atkins, and many MANY others. At the same time there is much to be learned from others who are also on this journey. Groups of folks who are walking the same path and because of that I consiter them as much my Instructor as some unknown face on the back cover of a book.

Key 2: Practice: I love this particular quote."A practice (as a noun) can be anything you practice on a regular basis as an integral part of your life -- not in order to gain something else, but for its own sake" WOW. Let's take the first part of that "as an integral part of your life". How often have I seen that particular trait in those whome I consiter "Masters" People like Skwigg who it's obvious that live and breath this and have obviously 'gotten it right'. The second part of that statement is the part that I REALLY have a hard time realizing, and yet I know is the most important..."not in order to gain something else, but for its own sake". After all, isn't that the basis 99% of the time we DO this.. to GAIN something, good health, a great body... He addes "The people we know as masters don't devote themselves to their particular skill just to get better at it. The truth is, they love to practice--" How do I eat right and excercise for it's own sake? How do I learn to 'love' it? That may be something that takes me a while to figure out.

Key 3: Surrender "This means surrendering to your teacher and to the demands of your discipline" Of course the first thing that stikes me here is that you must HAVE a teacher. Then you have to be willing to surrender to them. To take thier advice apply it and continue to apply it in faith until you begin to see progress. But that's not all... there is more to that when I read it again. you must also surrender "to the demands of your discipline" surender myself to the pain and fatigue, to sometimes passing by that chunk of chocolate cake for a cup of yogurt.

Key 4: Intentionality

189 this morning. The weekend water weight is officially gone!

Today is probably going to be a rough day. I can hear the candybars calling my name. This IS day three after all - the point where addictions get worse right before they get better. I keep doing, as was suggested by a friend, and 'playing the tape through'. Instead of focusing on the short term enjoyment that may come from something sweet and crunchy (I'm currently jonesing for a Smores Candybar) I'm thinking PAST that pleasure to the shame and dissapointment I'll feel having blown my plans. I've made a commitment to ME and by god I'll keep it!

I've you've ever struggles with body image issues (and who hasn't) GO... READ... THIS... NOW!

Q & A

I ran! I ran I ran I ran.

Finally I've had a day where everything goes right. I ate clean I ran and I feel terrific! I've got to remember this, keep this feeling at the forefront of my mind. run with it, figuratively and literally. Yay me!

Still taking one day at a time here. Checking in regarding yesterday and my goals.

Bad News: Didn't read my book on mastery
Good News: I brought it with me to work and started on it at lunch

Bad News: Didn't take pictures
Good News: I'm starting a challenge on Monday with a bunch of other ladies and thus am FORCED to take pictures for that

Bad News: Didn't lift weights
Good News: Spent the time shopping instead and filled my cupboards up with good foods.

Other Good news: I stayed on plan the entire day. I'm now feeling 'DeToxed' and am on a BFL style program today. I packed my lunch. Brought REALLY good food to work and I've managed to NOT eat any of the cake that's sitting across the room.

So, as I said, I start an offical challenge (offered by Divaquest) on Monday. I had to fight a temptation to just throw this week into the trash and say "I'm starting Monday" BUT if I can get a running start into this challenge it will be that much easier and better. So, I'm sticking to a plan this week. No 'Do-overs'!

I'm going to run tonight - 3 miles on the table.

One day at a time folks. That's where were at here in geekland. One day at a time. So far today I've been really good. I'm in detox. Going 'induction phase' ah la 'atkins' so that I can stablize my blood sugar and hopefully bash these cravings out of the way. So far, it's been a sucess. Weight was back up to 192 this morning, so I'm back to square one, but it's not like I was being 'good' enough to expect progress. There are a few things I want to do tonight. 1) reread my book on mastery. I need to wrap my head around some of the concepts in that book again. 2) take pictures. I've been avoiding looking, and I mean LOOKING at the damage I've been doing. Hopefully this will do much to motivate me in the days to come. 3) Do weight training. I haven't picked up a weight in months. I need it, for my mental as well as physical health.

I need to take my health back. I need to focus. I need to stop thinking that I can just do it 'tomorrow'. Change can and will happen today.

I was the poster child for progress last year. I've been the poster child for mediocracy since then. Enough is Enough.

One victory already today. I stood in the lunchroom, money in hand, poised above the vending machine and I WALKED away! I thought, WHY blow it already when just last night I was talking about what a schmuck I was and not sticking to my plan! YAY me! First step taken, first hurdle overcome.

I keep finding myself at this place. Disgusted with myself for not keeping my promices to myself and to others. Determined to change, to make it different 'this time'. So, here I am again. The good news, I'm actually down from my last weigh in. 190 this morning. I've been eating crap, but less of it, if that makes sense. And I've not been a complete slug going on hikes, walks and the like, though not following through on my workouts. Currently, I want to take it one day at a time and see how it goes. Tomorrows goals:

Eat clean (6 meals, 1 carb, 1 prot)
Drink more (2ltr total) water (this may be why I feel so hungry all the time)
Run 2.0 miles
Do at least 1 thing that's a step toward any long term goal of mine.
Do at least 1 thing that's a step toward crossing something off my 'to-do'list.
Come back tomorrow night and report my progress and set goals for tomorrow.

One day at a time folks, that's where I'm at right now.

I had a GREAT nutrition day yesterday. Almost exactly 30/30/30 ... I was a little low in calories, but I wasn't feeling horribly hungry so I think I did alright. Didn't lift weights but I'm not going to beat myself up over that - every step forward is a good one.

Weight today 189 (whoohoo) and body fat was at 39%. The plan tonight - Running 3 miles.

Thanks for the support!

So, I stood there this morning, looked at myself in the mirror and said "This is it! We're going to try this again!". Then I listened... I mean really LISTED to what I was saying and I realized that I can't talk like that. It's not ok to say "Try again" I need to say "I'm going to DO this again". I've done it, I've seen success, all that it takes now is to do it again! For some WIERD reason it made it all seem a lot easier. So I 'mentally' signed myself up for another 12 week challenge. I weighed in, took measurments and I'm even going to take some starting pictures.

The bad news, things are bad - the good news, they aren't as bad as they could be.

Weight: 190.5
Body Fat: 44%
Chest: 37.5
Bust: 44
Ribs: 36
Waist: 36
Hips: 46.5
Butt: 44.25
Thigh: 25.75
Calf: 14.75
Arm: 14.5

The Goals for the next 12 weeks:
Weight: 170.5
Body Fat: 32%
Chest: 35
Bust: 39.75
Ribs: 33.25
Waist: 31.5
Hips: 42.75
Butt: 40.75
Thigh: 23.75
Calf: 14.25
Arm: 14

The Plan? I'm going back to what works - BFL

What of running? Well I found that the more and more my milage ramped up, the more I was putting off running, and the more afraid I got that I was going to seriously hurt my foot again. Running also lead me to totally change my diet, and weight lifting goals, and so far that's done NOTHING good for me. SO -

Nutritition: goes back to straight, traditional BFL style. 1 carb/1 prot 6 times a day 6 days a week. One free day.

Weight Workouts: again straight, tranditional BFL style. I miss workouts that make me feel like I'm getting stronger every day. I miss flexing in the mirror.

Cardio Workouts: This I'm going to modify slightly. You see, I still want to run. I want to race, I just want to take it a LOT slower then I originally planned. SO - I'm going back to my 5K racing plan (with some modifications). I'm going to do the milage BFL style and work on building up some speed. That way when I start working toward the higher milage I'm not looking at running for HOURS... Cross training scheduled on Sundays may be subs for long hikes (we've been known to do some Doozies).

I'll also be posting my intake on Fitday so please feel free to check up on me HERE and if I'm not posting EMAIL me and ask me WHY!! parttimemom at that free microsoft email site dot com. (Or use the link) You can also check me out at my "Other" Blog - http://parttimemom.tripod.com/blog/

Last but not least I want to plug the site of my good friend Cory - He's got a GREAT thing going HERE: http://www.cbevolution.ca/phpbb/index.php (I'll type more on that later)

I've got a LOT of things I would like to get done tonight, and the only way to get started is to get out of HERE!

Thanks all!

I ran four miles! That’s right, me, big ol’ can’t run a mile me, ran four miles! I can hardly believe it myself. A really big step. After this I feel like I can do anything. For some reason a marathon doesn’t seem nearly as daunting as it once did. Warped I know, considering that I only ran less then 1/6th of a marathon, but today helped me to realize that I can gradually increase my mileage and continue to improve my endurance. And that I’m not as incapable of being athletic as I’ve always thought I was.

On the nutrition front. I know I said I would give it 4 weeks, but high carb just ISN’T doing it for me! I’m hungry ALL the time and I’m constantly craving stuff. BAD stuff. So I’m going to go back to BFL eating for right now, but with a high carb snack after my run (on the days I run). We’ll see how that goes. My fiance’ is planning to clean up his diet as well, and that should help me out. It’s always hard to keep on the straight and narrow when the person across from you is eating whatever they want. Not that anyone makes food choices and puts them in my mouth but me. Still, it’s easier. SO, tomorrow the meal plan is this:

7:00am 2 eggs and an English muffin w/butter
10:00am Hard boiled Egg and ½ an apple
1:00pm Chicken breast, veggies, and pasta
4:00 pm yogurt w/protein powder
7:00 pm Burger and baked potato w/butter and veggies
10:00 pm peanut butter shake

Tomorrow I start weights again. I will! I will!

I ran last night! and it was good! I tried something new brought in a beginners running program that I used to get from walking to running to try to bring my speed up. First step: 2 minutes at high speed, 4 minutes at a lower speed. I'm going to do that for my next two runs - then build up time at the higher speed as time progresses - simple!

I'm a little worried about my scale though. I think it's gone bonkers. Last night before I weighed 188.5, this morning 190.5 huh? I gained 2 lbs overnight? So I grabbed my other scale and stepped on it and IT says that I weigh 185.5 - so now I'm REALLY confused. Not that I really care about the actual number, I just want to see it going down!

So food has been ok. No real plan yet but as I said, the goal is to have it in place by the time the weekend is over. The plan for the weekend is to run on Saturday and hike on Sunday - OR vise-versa. I'm going to do some weight training tonight as well.

Other then that, it's just a matter of trying to keep the eats clean.

Keeping focused. I've got 5 lbs to lose here!

Well, I couldn't help myself - I got on the scale again this morning. Back to 190, but I'm not going to panick. I think my weight's going to be doing that for a while until my body figures out that I'm serious here. I'm sure things will settle once I start lifting again too. I need to put some muscle back on my body. I'll feel better about it if I do. No that I'm some week and helpless female. HA! I just know that the calories burned by muscles will help a LOT.

Plan for tonight is to run 2 miles. After the hell that was my three mile run on Tuesday, this should be a breeze. I just have to decide what movie to start as I finished Grifters. Maybe I'll skip the movie watching and do BFL style intervals again. That was kind of fun.

In other news I'm doing pretty good mentally. I'm feeling motivated and postive again. By the end of the weekend my goal is have a solid nutrition plan and start logging food again.

So I weighed in today - 188.5 a bit improvement over yesterday! that gives me a three week goal of 183.5. Very doable. I'm toying with not weighing in again until the three weeks are up - One part of my mind says it will keep me from back sliding if I have one really good week. the other part of my mind says it would be really easy to let things slide without the scale factor to egg me on. I'm still out there on this one...

Had a clean day today - eating right where i want it to be with no indescretions. I had to work late AGAIN and this time didn't get home until after 8:00 so.. considering that and the fact that I've excercised four straight days in a row I've decided to NOT workout tonight :) No excuses - it's an executive decision.


Thanks so much for the comments. Knowing folks are watching here makes me more apt to post, and knowing I'm expected to post makes me want to do better throughout the day so I don't have to come here and confess my caramel shake!

I ran! I think it was the hardest ever! Not only have I not ran in a week and a half, but I hiked about 12 miles in the past three days and it was HOT today! I managed to chug through the first mile and a half and then I HAD to take a walk break. I slowed down a bit and then decided to do intervals for the rest of the run. WHEW! I pushed my already tired body to the LIMIT! But it felt great. I still have to eat dinner, but other then the caramel shake at lunch time I’ve been good.

I got some help from a friend today. We were supposed to be doing a 12 week challenge together but I slid and didn’t keep up my end of the deal. She’s continued to check up on me and has been kicking my butt as I asked her to do. Today she suggested that I set a goal of three clean weeks, and in that three weeks work to lose 5 lbs. I thought that was a GREAT idea, so that’s the plan. Weigh in is tomorrow morning!

Today's been pretty good so far. OK, except for the carmel milk shake at lunch. What is WRONG with my head?

I have to work until 7:00 tonight but I'm going to go home and hit the treadmill as soon as I get home. 3 mile run. It shouldn't be too bad. Maybe I'll finally get to finish "Grifters". I've started watching movies while on my 'long' runs and this one I've been working on for a while.

The plan for the rest of the eveing? I'm going to plan my meals for tomorrow and make sure I have lunches packed. I'm going to try again with the 'running' nutrition - eating carbs throughout the day and then having a serving of protien with dinner. I'm going to give it four weeks. And then reevaluate. I know that I can't keep letting things go the way they are or next thing I know I'll be 200+ again!

One other thing I'm going to do tonight is re-read my book on mastery. It was so inspiring to me the first time around, maybe it will help to motivate me to keep on track again.

Another change I'm going to make is to switch back to a BFL weight lifting scheme. I miss watching my muscles grow! I want to be proud of my back again... Again, I'll give it four weeks and see how it effects my running. So, on June 29th look for me to put up an evaluation.

Alright, nose to the grindstone. I want to be that chick at the office that everyone looks up to again!

Life never turns out as we would expect. After my last post I was full of piss and vinager. Then I realized I was going to have to work until 9:00pm! This meant dinner from the store and no run!

But! I did turn the nutrition around for the rest of the week. I never got back on my running program (That will happen tonight) but I did get some great excercise in. Saturday 6-8 mile hike, Sunday 2-3 mile hike, Monday 4 mile hike. All vigerous and all up and down hills! And we had a blast at the same time.

Weight today - 192!!! Eeeeek! I can't believe this is happening! I'll be planning good solid nutrition for the rest of the week! And post more often to keep myself accountable.