I guess Dora sent the fat fairy my way last night because this morning the scale ready 224.4!!  I'm holding off on getting too excited because it may be one of those false drops I get now and then, but I'm hopeful that this is the real deal and I'm on my way to below the 220's.  

I've been staying tight with my food (and feeling really good about it) and working my butt of exercise wise.  

Hit the gym on Monday and did legs, then did a 30 minute spin later that night.  I kept putting off getting on the bike but finally (because I had committed to it) did it.  It wasn't really fun or easy.  I've lost some of my... how should I put this... saddle muscles.  I know weight is part of the issue as it puts more pressure on, pressure points.  So, dropping some pounds and spending more time on my bike should fix me up in no time.

Did a chest workout yesterday at the gym it was frustrating because I had to use such light weights!  I really need to get my strength back, it was one thing I was really proud of.  I'm almost more frustrated with losing that, then I am at gaining the weight back.  Almost.

If you've watched the news much you might know it's been pouring rain here in Northern California.  And if you've followed my blog at all you know I'm training for a 1/2 marathon.  Last night was a track workout with my training team.  I was one of the few who showed up.  The coach showed up, took one look at the track and said, "We can't run on this, do you guys want to just go home, or do you want to run?" 

We all looked at each other, and someone said, "We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to run!"  That settled it.  

So off we went to run the streets in one of the hilliest cities I know.  Me and hills, well we don't really get along.  Running downhill isn't much of an issue.  In fact, I'm really rather good at it (heh).  But uphill.  I'm afraid of uphill and often I let myself 'quit' and walk up the hills.  But not tonight.  I told myself that I would never get over being afraid of running uphill unless I RAN UP SOME HILLS!  So I ran.  I told myself it didn't matter how slow I went as long as I kept running.

I was really really proud of myself in in the end.  Not only did I get out when 99% of the world was welded to their couch, but I got in a workout and adjusted a bit of my mental attitude.

On my way home, my husband called me and let me know our roof was leaking and that he had called the landlord.  He was going to send someone by in the morning to take a look at it. So, this morning I got up and headed to the gym planning to get a workout in early before they came.  BUT, I had only just got there and started warming up when my son called to say the guys were there already!  CRAP.  

Anyway, the roof is going to get fixed and we'll get the ceiling replace in one corner of our bedroom.  I'll have to get my workout in a little later then I would like - but I AM going to get it done.  I'm on too much of a roll right now to let something as small as this get in my way.

Ok - every time I turn around there's something else cool that syncs with fitbit; including my new fancy shmancy scale.  I may just break down and get one.  If I do I'll run in side by side with my bodybugg for a while and see what's what.  If it's 'close enough' I'll drop the monthly subscription to my bodybugg and just transition over...

I know I haven't updated in a while.  I've been in a pretty black head space of late.  Best way I can describe it is anti-social.  (my poor husband).  And yet, despite myself, I've stayed on plan and have seen a little progress.  

Total loss for last week was 1.8 lbs.  It seems low to me for the amount of work I've been putting in, but I know that my body has been 'readjusting' this week.  All my clothes fit better/different  and it's more then a >2lb loss can account for.  My scale is also telling me that I'm losing body fat.  In fact, it thinks I've lost about 5 lbs of fat last week.  So, that cheered me up a bit.  Still not fitting into the top pairs of pants in my 'bonus clothes' but I did fit into (and pull out) all my next size underwear.  

Some other victories...

Wednesday hubby and I went out for a walk - we pushed ourselves and put in 6 miles!

Thursday I missed my group run, but forced myself out the door anyway.  I started easy and maintained a steady pace and ended up running the entire 4 miles that was in my plan.  That was a HUGE victory for me.  

Saturday I had another group run in The City.  It was cold, gloomy and rainy, but I went anyway.  I was happy and surprised to find that there was a good sized group running my pace and I stuck with them for the entire 6 miles.  Yes _I_ ran 6 miles (with some walking mixed in).

Sunday - well yesterday I was really struggling with head hunger, and black thoughts.  I think I'm hormonal.  I bumped my calories a little, but kept them all good fats and proteins.  That did seem to help, some.  My husband suggested I needed 'retail therapy'  I told him what I wanted was 'bon bon therapy' but I wasn't going to allow myself to go there.  I didn't and I was proud of that fact.

What's really strange is that even though I haven't noticed a huge spike in energy or anything like that, I've found that my 'bad mood' has made me restless.  I just can't sit still right now and my house is starting to get really clean :D  For someone like me to whom all housework is evil, that's a pretty big deal.  

Anyway - I'm alive.  I'm doing ok and I'm hoping that in a day or two I can be a little more positive and motivating...

Last night things fell in place on my run so today there was no doubt that they would fall into place and I would make it to the gym.

Lifting weights is my first love so making to the gym is a lot easier.  I spent a few minutes printing out a new workout - I'm starting a new 12 week periodized workout program which means each set is 12 reps.  I don't like 12 reps :D  But I'm doing it and it felt great.

Food is great - I'm back where I want to be mentally. Scale is stickin' but that's usually a good sign.  227.7 two days in a row.  That means the fat fairy is due to arrive.  There's a WHOOSH in my future.

Went to my track workout tonight.  I was getting more and more agitated about it as the day went on.  Worried I wouldn't be accepted.  Worried that I would embarrass myself.  Worried period.

I got off work early and drove home in record time.  There, I changed, grabbed some water, mixed my 'pre-workout' drink and procrastinated.  When I couldn't wait anymore I got in my car and drove to the track.  Unfortunately, I didn't leave myself time to 'get lost' on my way and that had me running late (cause I always get lost going to someplace new).  As I drove around looking for the place watching the clock tick later and later that little fearful voice in my head kept telling me how I should turn around and go home.  Kept replaying how terrible it was going to be and how much worse it would be because I was showing up late.

I ignored it.  I finally found where I was going, parked and headed up the hill to the track.  Just as I topped the hill and hit the edge of the dirt ring I heard a voice call out, "Hi Shawn!"  

It was my running partner from Saturday!  Suddenly all my fear and doubts were gone.  Just that one familiar, smiling face was all I needed.

Just as before, everyone else was just as friendly.  The coach was great.  She paid just enough attention to me to make sure I was handling the workout ok without making me feel like I was being singled out in some way.  She even pulled me aside at one point and complemented me on how good I was doing and how steady a pace I was able to run  (I did 6 laps of the track at almost the exact same pace).  

I also think she was a little surprised that I was able to make it around the track at all... I mean I'm not exactly svelte.  Seriously does this girl look like a 'runner' to you? 

But I am!  

So, anyway - to make a long story longer.  I have a challenge for you all.  No matter your size, no matter your fitness level, no matter you age, no matter what that little voice in your head is telling you.  Go out there and do something that makes you a little uncomfortable.  You may surprise yourself and find your a lot more courageous then you thought; that your a lot more capable then your thought, that pushing your self actually feels GOOD!

I think that I've been feeling so good that I got a little overconfident yesterday. I stopped gut checking myself before grabbing for food. Granted I still stayed really close to my nutrition goals, but when I reviewed the day I realized the slightest feeling of hunger and I was running to food. Granted I ate things that were OP, but I was eating sooner and/or more often then was in my plan. I ended the day just feeling a bit, out of control. The kind of thing that left unchecked could move from 100 calories over my goal to 200 to... you get the idea. Today's been much better. I feel back in charge and I've put the Feast Beast back in his cage.

Hunger is not an emergency!

I've yet to resume serious (regular) exercise. I miss it! I signed up for the running team that I tried out on Saturday and I'm a nervous mess thinking about it. We've got a track run scheduled for tonight, and even though I met a lot of really nice people on Saturday, my stomach hurts a little thinking about going and seeing even more tonight. I'm sure I'll be fine. Tomorrow I work from home and that means it'll be really easy to get to the gym and get my workout done. I'll also have no trouble getting my schedule run done either. No excuses

My My My what a weekend! The fat fairy had decided to just flat out LIVE at my house! The weight has just been flying off! Saturday I woke up at 227.6! Don't have any idea where that came from! :D I was shocked enough to check several times to see if the weight was 'real'. It was, then I drove to meet up with a new group to try a group run.

I went off to my run feeling pretty good. Then I got there and one look at the people getting ready to run brought all my insecurities and negative thoughts scream to the forefront. When your a 230 lb runner, your pretty firmly in the minority. And when your a 230lb runner in the San Francisco bay area, the gap is even larger. I actually started to walk out but one of the coaches caught me at the door and talked me into staying.

Amazingly enough it was a good run! I did 5 miles (5 miles!! Haven't done that in ages). There were two girls in the group who stuck with me the whole time and I actually became one of 'those people'. You know, the people who chat while they run. It was fun and I went further and I pushed myself harder the I would have if I had tried to do it on my own. I'll be back next week for sure!

And the lesson in all this? We as fat people have to watch that we arn't discriminating against those skinny folks, just as they shouldn't judge us! I'm going to try to be better about this.

After my run, we cleaned up and drove to visit my mother-in-law.  It's always a stressful time because she's got alzhimers.  It's hard on my husband to see her in that state, and hard on me to see him suffering.  But, we got through the visit ok and I didn't once think about stress eating.

Later I went over to a freinds to celebrate St. Patty's Day.   There was crackers and cheese, salsa and chips and then later pizza. I had a few pieces of cheese while we hung out, but left the crackers and chips (and pizza). What was great was, at one point I started hunting for more cheese out of habit, but realized that I really wasn't hungry, so I told myself 'enough', and moved on.


After that, we went out to a local watering hole that happens to also have karaoke on Saturdays. I LOVE karaoke but usually end up going by myself. It was a blast to go and have about 12 friends along too. Not only did I get to enjoy singing, but I got to enjoy my friend's singing and we danced a LOT. At the end of the day between the running and dancing my bodybugg said I had burned over 4500 calories for the day (at midnight). Whew! The best thing is, dancing doesn't even feel like exercise - it's just pure enjoyment.   And, because I was the designated driver, I was able to keep my commitment to stay away from the alcohol, thus avoiding a TON of empty calories (and a hangover).  Although I wasn't easy, Irish Car Bombs are my #1 fav drink and what better day to have some then St. Patty's day!?

Sunday is my 'official' weigh in and I was at 228.4 - that's 2.1 lbs lost for the week and 9.2 since I started. (However I only started MF food on Wednesday). According to my body bugg I've averaged 3127 calories burned a day and 1208 consumed for a  1919 deficit. (my goal is 1500). I also averaged over 11,000 steps a day. My weight was a a little up from the day before, but staying up 'til two in the morning dancing might have had something to do with it. I'm not too concerned. My goal for the week was 228.5 and I hit that. I'm losing weight and feeling really really good. I'm happy, my self confidence is coming back I even was able to wear a pair of cute capri jeans that I haven't been able to wear in AGES!

Later in the day I went through my closet and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned!  i sorted through all my clothes and arrainged them by size (I have size 18W to 10 in there).  It was a little sad seeing all the pretty clothes that I've 'grown' out of, but also strengthened my resolve to see this through.  I want to wear those again!  What was really sad was finding the 'largest' pair of jeans and a shirt that I saved from last time I lost weight (I got rid of everything else) - they both fit!  Again, it made me sad but determined.  Somehow I had convinced myself that though I had weighed the same, I wasn't as 'big' as I was last time.  yeah... right!  It's time to stop lying to myself, really look at myself in the mirror, accept what's going on there and then move on.

I suspect that in about two weeks the first of my 'put away' clothes will start to fit, that'll really feel good.  I want to ride that feeling of success all the way to goal, and I will!

Today however, the scale had a big big surprise for me.  Woke up, checked in and it said 225.9!  Another BIG drop!  I guess all the dancing caught up with me!  I just can't believe I'm going to be seeing the lower end of the 220's already.  I'm ready! 

I've been really really good physically and mentally over the past few days.  I find myself in a good mood more often then not.  It's not that things haven't been hard and that I haven't been dealing with the normal 'stuff' that life brings.  but, I've been abetter able to handle it all.  Iv'e been actually dealing with/acknowledging my emotions and weirdly that seems to take less energy then trying to ignore/hide them.  I'm also seeing great results on the program so far, and that always makes me hopeful and hope makes me energetic.  I'll try to hang onto this as long as possible - may as well ride the wave for all it's worth!

Oh, and I'm dropping the 'no-diet pepsi' zone back to 3:00 PM this week.  Thing sare going to get interesting over the next few days.

I knew once the Fat Fairy figured out where my house was she would visit a few more times.  Today the scale said 228.7 - goodbye 230's!

We've been going through a lot at our house with our decision to give up our dog.  I've been corresponding the past few days with someone who was interested in bringing him into their home and family.  Then today I get an email that says, "Hey, I can't pick up the dog myself.  I'm going to arrange for someone to pick him up for me, but that person wants $600 to transport him. I'll tell you what, I'll send you $750 to your paypal, and you can pay for my shipping through western union..."

All of a sudden there are bells going off in my head.  A crushing bitter disappointment came over me.  This wasn't someone wanting to bring our beloved pet into their home.  This was a scammer.  Someone trying to bilk me out of $600 (or more).  So, I'm dealing with anger over this guy's actions and disappointment that I still have to find a home for our dog. And... and... I haven't had a single urge to eat over any of it.  If I can keep this up, losing this weight will be easy peasy. HaHa!

However, I know there will be days harder then this.  The Feast Beast is in there, waiting for me to be a little less diligent.  Then he'll start to whisper 'cheating thoughts' into my head.  I'll be ready for him though!  I need to find me some anti-Feast Beast spray, and some treats for the Fat Fairy so she keeps showing up.

In other news... 0 Caffeine after 5:00PM this week.  I've hit my goal of (at least) 30 minutes of movement a day (though it's been all dog walking this week) and I've been hitting and surpassing my 2500 calorie burn on my body bugg every day.  I'll have all the fascinating facts on Sunday my 'offical' weigh in day.  Can't wait to see what that turns up.

 

New goal! 

Next year at Wondercon (which is this weekend)  I want to go dressed as shehulk!

229.2!! Yay

My MF food arrived today! What a relief. Now I can stick to a plan without actually having to have much of a plan. It was a good day.

I'm planning on doing a half marathon in June and today I got a message from the sponsors saying they are doing a group training over the next 12 weeks. The kick off is Saturday and I'm going to go and try it out. I wasn't happy with the group workouts when I did Team in Training. But I'm hoping this will be different.

Things at my job have been going great and that has helped my stress a lot, but home, not so great. Money's been tight with the job change. The transmission went out on our only car. I'm dieting and trying to cut back on diet pepsi (both of which make me really cranky) and we've an issue with our dog.

You see, when we first got him someone was home all the time. I was working from home most days and when I wasn't, my son was home. Well that's changed and now I'm spending 12 hours a day away and my son has recently switched to a full time position. That's when we discovers the dog suffers from separation anxiety. The 'eat through the door' kind. So lately every time we come home we don't know what kind of disaster we'll find. And to make it worse my husband (out of frustration) blames my son because he's the one who leaves him(to go to work).

So, tonight I get home to find my gym bag, gym clothes and running shoes are peed on, get into a fight with my husband and then have to be the one who finally says, "the dog needs to go to some other family".

I was NOT in a good mood. What was interesting was having the experience of having those feelings and observing my reaction to them. When I wanted nothing more then to crunch a handful of nuts, what I really wanted was to crunch the dog and my husband's heads. It was strange and empowering. I felt the feelings, the cravings, named them and let them go. I want to do this more often!

I just finished ready Freya Taylor's "Suddenly Skinny" and "Suddenly Skinny - Day by Day" both great reads.  I was inspired and entertained at the same time! (Freya lost 100lbs in 10 months on MF).  In looking for my next book to read I picked up ta book hat I bought a long long time ago, but never finished called "Life is Hard, Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle.  What I didn't realized is that this book has a forward written by the CEO of MF.  It's like the universe is reinforcing my choice to pick this diet and march all the way to my goal with it.

Been hovering just above 230 for a few days now.  Would really love to get past this deca-pound milestone!  However, I am right on track with my goals.  I'm tracking to hit 195 by my half-marathon in June and I'm pleased with that!  I'm also pleased that my MF food is due to arrive today!  Tomorrow my plan is going to get a whole lot simpler to maintain - not easier, but at least simpler.

The fat fairy finally arrived and took a bunch of weight with her!  weighed in this morning at 230.5 - that's 4.5 lbs down this week and I haven't even gotten my first shipment of MF food yet!

Feel good, feeling strong and loving seeing the results.  My clothes are already feeling better.  I'm standing taller, feeling stronger and feeling better about myself.  Here's to keeping this going for 100 more lbs!

I've been driving myself for the past two weeks.  A new job, weight lifting, training for a half iron man and putting a lot of emotion and energy into working through my food issues.  And then add the stress of our one and only car needing a new transmission right as our bank account is at it's lowest (job change ya know) and well, last night I was just so exhausted.  I zombied through making dinner, ate and though I was tired, had no desire to go to sleep.  I needed a brain break.  Some 'me' time.  So, I fired up the computer and watched bad TV until about 1:00 AM.  Strange thing is, even though I stayed up WAAAAY past my bed time, I feel rested regenerated and refreshed... Funny how something as simple as watching a little TV can change how I feel physically.

In other news, I'm still waiting for a visit from the fat fairy.  I know she's going to show up some night soon and take a chunk of fat with her.  

And my food is supposed to be here on Tuesday - *hoping*hoping*hoping*

It's like a test...

Only I'm not sure I'm passing just yet.

I was just exhausted last night.  I managed to grab some chicken from the crock-pot and some broccoli (which I ate with my fingers) as I packed my stuff for today, but that was it - I fell into bed and conked out.

Today, I thought things were going a little better.  I got to sleep in a little since I wasn't riding with hubby, and he took the dog for a walk since he was going in a little later.  Unfortunately, once I did get out of the house I realized I had left my lunch at home :|  I had a moment when I thought about turning around and heading back, but it was late and I didn't want to hassle with it.

So, I drove to the gym, did a killer back workout, changed and hit the pool for my first swim in a long long long time.  I swam for almost 30 minutes and did 1200 yards.  It's a little shorter then the 1640yards I'll need to finish an olympic distance tri and and way short of the 2112 yards to finish the Half Iron Tri I'm doing in August.  (August!! GLUP!)  But, it was an excellent start and I felt great.  In fact, I stopped because of time, not fatigue.  (if only running was this easy!)

So, I finished up my workout at about 10AM and was STARVING!  I hadn't eaten yet because I like to workout on an empty stomach, and I didn't have any food with me because I had left all my stuff at home - so I found a nearby Safeway and picked up a variety of things to keep at work that'll see me through any emergencies.  Easy to store, won't spoil, and MF friendly.  Once I was done shopping, I gathered up my bags and threw them into the back of my car, grabbing a cheese stick to munch on - cause I was STARVING.  Thing is, the cheese stick in my hand distracted me from the fact that my keys were NOT in my hand and my car has this lovely feature where in if you only open the back, when you close the back, it locks itself again.  Yeah...

So, here I was, running late, STARVING and locked out of my car.  Luckily I still had my phone in my hand, and luckily I had signed up for road side assistance just a few months ago.  A call to my phone company to get the road side assistance number (since the card was in my purse, locked inside the car) and help was on it's way.

Still the stress, frustration and worry got to me just a little - not to mention the hunger.  I ate breakfast/lunch when I finally got to work at 12:00 and may have overdone it just a smidgen.  Dunno yet as I broke my rule and ate before logging.  

Overall, I'm not too unhappy.  I work for a place that doesn't care that I came in at noon as long as I get my work done.  I got both my planned workouts in today and I have OP food here to eat.  Getting my keys out didn't cost me a huge wack of money, and I'm no longer STARVING.  It could be worse I suppose, but I don't need to find that out... really!  I know these stressful times are only teaching me good lessons about handling life without a food crutch, but I'd like a little break now, please!

Comfort Drinking?...

And no, probably not the kind you're thinking.

I've always known I was a comfort eater, but today I confirmed a suspition of mine that I also sometimes turn to drinks for comfort as well.  You see, I've been a diet pepsi addict for years now.  Years and YEARS now.  It's not uncommon for me to drink 4 or more liters in a day.  For the past two weeks though I've been working on scaling back and the first step in scaling back was to stop drinking diet Pepsi after 7:00 PM.  'til now I haven't thought much about it.  My little alarm/reminder goes off at 7:00 saying "No more Pepsi"  and I don't have any.  BUT today, I've had a really stressful eavening.  Missed my train home, my husband came and got me, found out my only car need $4800 in repairs or the transmission might quit and then it'll need $8000 in repairs, and got majorly overcharged for the rental that I had while the car was getting looked over and an estimate worked up.  When I got home I was tired, hungry and very very cranky (not to mentioned stressed).  I've given myself 'no-choice' to comfort myself with food.  If it wasn't in the plan last night, it doesn't go into my mouth, and since that avenue was denied me I have found myself SEVERAL times tonight opening the fridge and grabbing for a can.  I want that drink more then I want chocolate right now!  (PMSing too hahah)  I do know that if I'm going to make some long term changes here I'm going to have to find some better/healthier ways to deal with stress.  Here's to learning more about myself and to positive changes on the horizon.

PS - next week I'll probably roll the 'no diet pepsi' zone back to 5:00PM.  Whatever will I do then! :)

It's been an interesting journey already! :)  This morning, I got a good look at how different a place my head is in right now.  

I got up at five to take the dog for a walk.  I'm the designated 'morning dog walker' in the house since I seem to be able to get ready faster then anyone else.  (Go figure, right?  I think it's because I'm not a morning person and have spent my whole life trying to figure out how to squeeze out an extra 5, 10, 30 minutes of sleep - that or being the big sister/mom my whole life meant I was always getting other people ready and had to learn to put myself together as quickly as possible - or both.  ANYWAY...)  I decided Sunday night that since I was going out to walk the dog anyway, and he's used to coming with me on my runs at night, I might as well try doing my runs in the morning.  It would mean getting up a bit earlier, but give me some additional time in my evenings to relax.  So, we did that on Monday and it worked out OK.  Today was a 'run' day again so I took him out again but it was just 'One of Those Mornings (tm)'  We need to leave the house at 6:00 to have time to hit the gym, and Doughnut (the dog) and I didn't get back until 6:10!  Then it seemed to take forever to get my husband out the door and when we finally got out to the car at 6:20 and started to drive off I realized that I promised to loan my son $60 so he could get the breaks done on his car today and that mean a run to the bank and a run back to the house and... Yeah, at that point we decided hitting the gym was out of the question and may as well just stay home and shower.  And you know what?  I was MAD!  I was hot under the collar, crank pants, I wanna stomp my feet and whine all the way into the house, up the stairs into the shower, pouty MAD.  Because I was going to miss going to the gym and doing my weight training.

Seriously!  Who is this person?  I mean, I used to look for any and every excuse to skip a workout.  But right now, all I can picture is 2006, when I was the fittest of my life.  I'm so focused that every meal be a step toward that girl.  That every day has to be used to it's best advantage and I lost a little time today.  That feeling, that concept is so foreign to me!  I'm the, "Oh I'll do it tomorrow" girl.  I'm the, "I'll make up for it later" lady.  I'm the poster child for "Next time".  Or should I say, I WAS.  No more.  I like this focus, this drive, this feeling of, "Now now now".  

And, speaking of now, now, now... MF emailed me that my food is in the mail.  Can it be here now please?

I've decided that one of my goals for this summer is to get a tan on my back and legs, and not just my arms and chest. This means wearing less clothes (like maybe a bathing suit). And to feel comfortable doing that I need to drop weight and tone up. See how all this ties together!?

Second week of hitting the gym and I'm already feeling better about myself. Fitter, stronger, skinnier. I stand taller and the horrible bloating in my stomach that was making it stick out past my boobs is gone. Soon I'll stop getting those, "What are you doing In our part of the gym" looks from the guys.

I'm still here, still alive, kicking and looking everyday for a way to stick with a program. 

I'm pretty much at that "begin again" stage:  Weight is 235, fitness levels in the tank.  There are a few positives though.  I've recently started a new job (yes again!) and the hours/location have lent themselves to hitting the gym early, on the way to work.  I made it to the gym three times last week!  The other interesting thing is that I ride public transit to work, and there isn't anyplace to 'eat out' nearby.  This means I have to plan my meals and pack a lunch every day.  As I've known for years, planning my food is one of the biggest facilitators to weight loss for me.  So I have this amazing triple bonus of a new job that I really like and the means and modivation to eat well and excercise.  Imagine that!

Oh!  I we have a new dog.  A dog that has to be walked every morning before we go to work.  So, I take the morning shift and today I went for my run during my 'dog walking' time.  I was getting up anyway, why not take advantage of the time?  So, today I've already run 2.75 miles, did a leg workout and had an OP (on plan) day food wise!  And it's been easy!