Why Can't I Lose Weight - Pre Work

Since we've determined that the problem with my weight is 'in my head' I'm going to take a look at some of the tools I've purchased over the years that are designed to help me with this. One is a program called, "I've I'm so smart, why can't I lose weight?"

I'll be posting my thoughts on the questions in this program here to save and refer back to later... and so, without further ado. Here's my thoughts from the 'pre-work' chapter.

My Story

How much do you weigh right now?

as of this morning, I weighed 209.6

Why do you weigh this amount? What is your story on how you gained this weight?

I first remember being aware of my weight my freshman year in high school. I weighed 125lbs and thought I was fat. I believe part of this feeling came from growing up around my mother and her sisters who were all 5'1" and 110 lbs or smaller. I always felt like a big clumsy giant around them. Then there was just the overall 'anorexic' mentality of the 80's to deal with.

It was sometime in my freshman year when I started dieting. I remember going to lunch and having nothing but bullion and dieters tea to eat. I probably ate 700 to 900 calories a day, none of them 'good'. Luckily I was never able to keep my calories that low for long but I believe the 'damage' had already begun.

I ignored my weight as much as possible after that, but I continued to gain. My mom would put the whole family on super restrictive diets (Macrobiotic) that had me spending all my lunch money on candy and junk food. By the end of my Sophomore year, I was up to 145.

I moved away from home and into my Grandparent's house that summer. I gained 20 more pounds along the way and then kept at 165 until I graduated high school and then, three days later, got married.

I got pregnant immediately and the pounds piled on. I was also desperately unhappy. Getting married at 18 was a HUGE mistake, but being pregnant (and defying my family when I got married) made me feel 'stuck'. When my daughter was born 8.5 months later, I was at 185 lbs.

From that point on, my life has been a yo-yo of weight loss and gain, and there's hardly a program or gimmick I haven't tried.

I believe weight watchers was the first. I did it after my son was born and dropped from 207 to 185. Between the positive attention this got me from men, and the negative attention from my husband, I believe I panicked. One 'cheat' became two cheats, and two cheats became days of being off plan.

The weight came back, and stayed. Then I got pregnant with my third... It was a rough pregnancy and I was on bed rest for a great deal of it. I got used to 'laying around' and got really good at conserving energy. After my daughter was born, my weight climbed up and up and up and before I knew it I was at 230 lbs.

It was at this time that I discovered Susan Powter. Low fat and exercise became my weight loss tools. Until my gall bladder complained and I had to have it removed.

Then is was 'Opra's trainer's' diet, and atkins and carb adicts. I would lose a few lbs, then gain them again, never really seeing real success.

Then I found weight loss workshop through my church. For the first time ever, I learned that my issue was probably not just the food I was eating but reasons I was eating it! I learned about emotional eating and other issues along those lines.

Unfortunately, knowing was only 1/2 the battle. I still wasn't finding lasting weight loss.

Then, 13 years after getting married I finally took the steps and got a divorce. It was stressful and exciting and frightening and thrilling all at the same time. I didn't think about my weight or food or anything like that. For some reason I ate when I wanted, what I wanted and lost weight. I looked and felt great. No, I didn't get to my 'goal' but I maintained at 185 for about a year.

Strangely enough, shortly after meeting someone new and falling in love, and starting a new job with a 2 our commute, my weight started to creep back up. I fought it - I bought books and tried one diet after another. Still, I managed to creep back up over 200!

Then, my commute shortened and I found Body for Life. By following the guidelines, and exercising daily I managed to get down to 180lbs! The lowest of my adult life! Then, things changed at my job. I started having a 2 hour commute again. The weight came back slowly, but it still came back. I couldn't seem to get back into the rhythm of food and exercise. I tried other things - burn the fat feed the muscle - and nearly every other thing I could get my hands on!

But it took a wedding for me to really find my motivation - my own. I was marrying the love of my life and I found leanness lifestyle. I payed an incredible amount of money to be part of the 'elite' program with one on one coaching -- I was going to finally breath through all these barriers and reach my goal. I went from 214 to 169 by my wedding!

I felt amazing and was happy beyond belief.

But, once I got home, job stress got the better of me. I started skipping workouts and eating off plan. A death in the family gave me the excuse to drop my coach and the weight started to come back again.

for some reason I couldn't seem to stop it. I read books, I tried programs, but could't seem to stick to any of them for more then a week or two. I did the Food Adicts program and Diets to go... The gain continued... higher and higher until I reached a frightening and sobering 240lbs! I was at my heaviest ever.

I was approaching my 40th birthday fat and miserable. So, in an attempt to motivate myself I joined Team in Training and signed up to do a triathlon. I trained for months and months. Miles and miles of running and biking and yet, still, I managed to eat enough to keep up with the burn. 5 months after signing up and month after my 40th I was still at 240 lbs.

But, somehow completing that triathlon did something for me. I came back from that trip with a focus like I had never had before. I started MediFast and continued to train for triathlons. Suddenly I was on a roll. The weight was falling off and in just a few months I was down almost 60 lbs.

And yet, I couldn't maintain it. I would look at my medifast meal at lunch and would find 1000 reasons not to eat it. One skipped meal turned into two and soon I was off the program completely.

My weight bounced up a little bit afterwords but nothing terrible at first. The weight gain was slow and subtle. Just before my 41st birthday I was just over 200 again. It was then I discovered Paleo. I loved everything I was reading so I gave the program a 30 day trial. I lost 12 lbs. But again I strayed. A Reece's here, a cinnamon roll there and the weight slowly started to come back. Which brings us to today - with me committing to go back to Paleo (or Primal) eating and weighing almost 210 lbs.

Ideas to think about

1. Why did you order this program

I read the book, loved what it had to say and hoped that the program would help me apply the program and finally reach my goal weight. I've started it again because I want to be rid of my food addiction.

2. What to you hope to accomplish within this program?

I want to rid food and weight as being a focal point in my life

3. Do you feel now as if you will succeed at this program?

It's hard to feel positive. I've tried so many things - even this program before and yet I'm still not at a healthy weight.

4. Are you willing to try all the exercises and homework?

YES!

5. What is your biggest fear about your weight?

That I will never be a success

10 Major Events

Write down 5 major positive events in your life and 5 major negative events.

positive

1. Meeting Nigel

2. Marrying Nigel

3. Getting promoted to the SWAT team

4. Moving to San Francisco

5. Getting divorced

negative

1. Moving away from Shoshoni

2. My parent's divorce

3. Getting married to 'w'

4. Getting promoted to vCIO

5. Moving to Mountain House

My life would be better if...

My life would be better if I was thin because I wouldn't have to focus on my weight and be worried about how it's effecting my health and fitness.

Being thin is: important - people view you differently if you are thin

Thin people are: just like everyone else - just thinner

If I was thin I would feel: as if I could focus on other goals for once

By body is: fat but fit, but bound to give out on me eventually

My legs are: Ok from the knee down - but disgusting from the knee up

My stomach is: ruined from having kids - it's lumpy, bumpy and yucky

My butt is: Flat, but wide and dimply

My arms are: not too bad, but bigger in real life then I think they are when I look at them.

My face is: getting old - but has a nice jawline and good cheekbones. It manages to look thin despite the weight.

More thought-provoking questions

1. How would you feel if you could never eat sweets again? Deprived - as if life were 'unfair' - and frightened

2. Who do you blame for being overweight? I blame myself Can you forgive them? I've not been good at forgiving myself but I'm willing to try.

3. What would motivate you beyond doubt to lose weight? My instinct is to say "I don't know" because I feel like I have tried everything. Perhaps - enough money to pay off my bills. Or if the life of someone I loved were threatened.

4. Were you happy the last time you were thin? I think so - but then I don't think I was happy 'because' I was thin. It's probably more likely that I was thin because I was happy.

5. Do you enjoy exercise? actually I do, when I do it. It's remembering that an motivating myself to start that's hard.

6. Do you sweat? YES!!! How do you feel about sweat? I feel good as if I've accomplished something.

7. What do you believe your weight says about you? It says that I eat more then I need to

Good for you to know questions

1. What are you willing to sacrifice to lose weight? My 'inner brat' doesn't want to sacrifice anything. and my head says I would sacrifice almost anything (not the people I love or my health) and yet, my inner brat always seems to win.

2. What aren't you willing to sacrifice to lose weight? My health, the people I love

3. Would anyone in your life be upset if you lost weight? My oldest daughter, maybe, since she has a weight issue.

4. On a scale of 1-10 how important is it for you to lose weight? 7?

5. What will happen if you do't lose weight? I'll stay the same size, maybe get bigger. I'll probably get diabetes

Starting point questions

1. When did you first start having an issue with your weight? about 15 (or sooner)

2. What diets have you tried? too many to list (see above)

3. What causes you to overeat? Celebrations, stress, sadness, boredom, cravings, feeling tired

4. What do you think the issues are? I eat for the wrong reasons.

5. What do you struggle with? saying no to my feast beast.

Think about this questions

1. What is the most upsetting issue, other than our weight, pressing on your mind right now? Money!!!!

2. What do you fear about this situation? That I won't be able to pay the bills and that N will find out how EFFED up our finances are right now

3. How do you currently manage stress? I try not to think about the problem - distract myself - or pretend there isn't a problem (and spend money we don't have)

4. How much joy to you currently create in your life? very little

5. What gives your life meaning? At the moment, I don't feel as if my life has much meaning. I often find myself wishing God would just take me off this earth because it's all about stress and worry.

6. Do you believe you are living the life you are meant to live? No. I hate my job and think there is something better out there. I also don't feel as if I live for God the way I should and I feel guilty about that.

7. What do you want other people to know about you? That I am someone who can be counted on for support.

Well Hello

I'm not sure if anyone visits this blog anymore. Heck, I don't like to visit it myself, it's rather depressing!

The shear number of "ah-ha moments", "epiphany" and "On Fire" posts here only to find myself STILL not at my goal... well, it makes me wonder if I'm ever going to get there.

And yet, here I am. Still here. Still fighting the 'good fight'.

What's become obvious to me over the years is that my relationship with food is what many might call an 'addiction'. I 'use' food for many of the same reasons that others might use alcohol or drugs. That's one of the reasons that 'diets' for me, have to be all or nothing. There has to be a clear line of what is allowed and what isn't. Clear boundaries need to be in place.

But, on the other had, I need to learn to deal with the things that make me turn to food. Pain, Stress, desire for pleasure... all these things have me looking for food and eating too much of it.

So, what do I do now? I'm not really sure to be honest. Isn't the first step admitting you have a problem? I've done that, but then I've done that before too. What I haven't always done is acknowledge that I can't deal with this via 'normal' means. I need a clear, black and white line when it comes to food. And I need to observe it with a "No Choice" mentality.

That means I need to cage my feast beast and not give him the power to talk me into crossing that line. I need to address my addictive voice when it starts it's siren song. Address it and defeat it.

So far today, I haven't crossed the line, and I have no plans to cross it ever again. The feast beast will die, I will be free.

The plan? Well the plan is simple. Medifast with additional calories allowed as long as it's veggies fat and/or protein.

For exercise. I'm going back to the Met-RX weight lifting program, but 4 days a week. Plus I'm doing my triathlon training.

I'm also looking for more ways to enjoy life that aren't food related. I'm going to discover a life that isn't covered in chocolate sauce.

This morning I got up early and did a good leg/ab workout. Tonight I've got a 45 minute run planned.

Wednesday: RT = Chest and Biceps | Cardio = Brick Workout (Bike + Run)
Thursday: RT = Back and Traps | Cardio = Run
Friday: RT = Shoulders and Triceps
Saturday: Swim
Sunday: Swim & Brick

Postive Steps

weight today : 196.1 - since the goal for monday is 196.0 that's excellent

the postives for today:

I've logged everything I've eaten.

The negatives:

I missed my weight workout - I was just too tired to get up at 4:00AM
I ate 1800 calories today - bleh

I've figured out that I need to plan my meals the day before, when I stand in front of the fridge and try to plan what I'm going to eat by just looking at what's there, I make poor choices - period.

Sooooo tomorrow, Saturday, here's the menu.

Breakfast - egg whites and toast
Snack - MF scrambled eggs (mixed with the whites)
Lunch - Spinach salad w/chicken
Snack - MF Cream of Tomato Soup
Dinner - Mac and Cheese
Snack - MF Pudding

Today, I wrote this letter to myself:

You see,

Here's the thing Shawn

Enough is enough. You do want to get this weight off don't you? Don't you want to finally have the body, be as fit as that dream that's in your head. You're capable. You have the knowledge, you have the training, you have the skills and the basic body type to do it. You just have it execute - every day! And it's not even that hard, it's a matter of saying "No" to those things that move you away from your goal and "Yes" to those things that move you toward it. So do it!

Here's the first 'mini-goal' get back below 190 - BEFORE your birthday. Let's make your 40th year mean something - mean losing 50 lbs of ugly fat. isn't that a nice round number?

of course, you have to fight the urge to go out and plan all your goals for the next six months. It's time to focus on one goal - that goal is below 190 - before 1/4

So, how are we going to achieve this? hmmm

well - let's start one week at a time.

My goal for next monday is to be at or below 196. I'm a little 'behind' since it's already late Thursday, but I've still got three days.

Food will look like 1200 each day. 3 meals of 300 cals and 3 meals of 100 Balanced Carbs/Protein for the 300 Cal meals - Medifast for the 100 cal meals

Exercise - I'll hit the weights tomorrow then do a bike at night. Saturday I have a race/run and Sunday I'll do a brick.

Since I'm here and thinking about it, I'll plan next week too.

The goal by the end of the week will be 193.4 - that means a goal of 2.6 lbs and to lose 2.6 lbs while eating 1200 cals - I'll have a goal of 660 minutes of exercise. I'll achieve that by doing:

5 days of weight training @ 45 minutes each
5 days of yoga @ 20 minutes each
Tue - Run
Wed - Bike/Run
Thu - Run
Fri - Bike
Sat - Run
Sun - Bike/Run

Here's to drive, determination and focus! and being less then 196 by Monday!

Breaking the Cycle - and Holding Myself Accountable

For the past four weeks I've had a cycle of maintaining (actually gaining - .1 and .3) for a week, and then dropping for a week. Last week was a 'good' week where I dropped. I'm happy about that, but I'm tired of this cycle. So this week - no maintaining, no gaining. I want to see progress! I've made a good start of it. Down 1.2 since weigh in on Saturday.

Yep, I'm below 205! I usually give myself a few days before 'officially' proclaiming a milestone reached, but I'm going to celebrate my first day under 205 just a little ;)

Still, as happy as I am, the focus is on Onderland... Onderland... Onderland :) to that end, I would like to be below 202 by Saturday. I don't know if it's possible but I'm going to follow 'the plan' with that goal in mind.

What really struck me today is how really really nice it is to put on clothes today and not have them be tighter then yesterday. After 2+ years of dreading getting up and facing my closet, wondering "What going to not fit today..." In fact, the pants I put on today might be gaping just a little around the waist... and I just started wearing them again! Now THAT'S the way to start the morning!

Exercise planned for the week:

Did a 30 minute bike ride - kept it between 11-16 MPR. Nice and easy recovery from Saturday. Tonight I'll go for a run - 3 miles minimum as I start a 1/2 marathon program this week in prep for my 'Big' triathlon in September. Wednesday is a longer bike ride (1 hour). Thursday 3 Mile run. Friday a bike and a long open water swim, and then Saturday Hubby and I are doing a 14 mile run/walk called the Double DipSea. (it's more a 'hike' then anything).

I'm still trying to keep my calories around 1000 - like I said, below that and I don't feel well.

The biggest challenge this week will be Wednesday. I've been 'asked' to attend a customer appreciation event at the Oakland A's since one of my bigger clients will be there. I'm sure many of you are going... ooo you get to go watch the Giant's vs the A's in a luxury box?! what's your beef!? Well #1 I'm not good at... what's the word I'm looking for... schmoozing. I do my job and do it well, no matter my personal feelings, but making small talk with someone that I don't give two shakes about... bleh. Then there's the fact that I don't like baseball. Ok maybe 'don't like' is too mild a word, but let's just say I've actually fallen asleep at Candlestick during a double header. just doesn't do it for me. So what's left? Well I used to go for the food and the booze. MMMMMMM baseball food. But, my guess is nothing provided will be 'on plan', so that means I'm going to have to go to extraordinary efforts to get my meals in that day.

alright, I'm done /whine lol!

Anyway - I'm saying all of this more to get it down in writing and to keep myself accountable. -- Cause it's all about Onederland baby! lol

swim/bike/run

Hey everyone how's your collar bones looking today? Mine are working their way to the surface :)

Yesterday ended well. Hubby was tired and didn't want to go run around the lake, so we went home instead. I was ok with that because he does the driving - so I try to be considerate of how he's feeling.

So, we drove home, I changed, grabbed the dog, and headed out for my run.

Now, many of you might not know that my next big Triathlon (I'm doing some 'baby' ones before then) is in 12 weeks and it's going to be a tough one. 1.5 mile swim from Alcatraz to SF. a 2.5 mile run after that (it's called a warm up run - huh?) a 9 mile bike, and then another 7.5 mile run. That's a total of 10 miles running. I struggled with deciding what kind of running plan I would do to try to get myself to this kind of mileage, and finally I figured out a 'hybrid' of my own.

I started with the Novice 1/2 marathon plan from Hal Higdon. I had used his plans before and I liked them. I also figured training for the longer distance of 13 miles couldn't hurt me do better on race day. But - I really like my "10K" running program from podrunner intervals the tempo tends to push me, and I like the interval format for getting faster and going longer. So I decided to blend that in as part of my program. Thursday night's runs would be the interval program from Podrunner and the other two runs would be as written by Mr Higdon.

That made last night my 'interval' day. So I plugged in my head phones and off I went :)

It was so much fun! :) I really like interval training because I feel like I can really push myself during the shorter run segments and know I'll have time to recover. So, last night's workout looked like this:

BPM Chart
5 min. warmup @ 137-142 BPM
4 min. @ 153 BPM
2 min. walk @ 142 BPM
4 min. @ 153 BPM
2 min. walk @ 142 BPM
4 min. @ 153 BPM
2 min. walk @ 142 BPM
4 min. @ 153 BPM
2 min. walk @ 142 BPM
4 min. @ 153 BPM
2 min. walk @ 142 BPM
3 min. cooldown @ 142-137 BPM

After my cool down, since I wasn't home yet, I went ahead and let the workout repeat and walked for 2 and then ran until I got home.

The exciting part is that I DID push myself on every run segment and kept below a 12 min/mile pace on each one! I have a feeling with the short run on Monday - the interval run on Thursday and a weekend long run... my fitness levels are going to go through some interesting changes over the next 12 weeks!

So, tonight the plan is to try out my new Friday Night routine. I'm going to change at work, BART to the car - where I've left my bike, and then ride my bike to Shadow Cliffs and swim with my tri team. Hubby will pick me up after he gets off work! Should be FUN!

Next week I'm adding weight lifting back in... look out world - cause believe it or not, weight lifting is my first love :P

Everyone have an excellent weekend. Get out, enjoy the summer. It'll boost your body's natural levels of vitamin D and keep you out of the kitchen!

PS: weight is at 202.6 still...

A Blast from the Past

A Long Long Long time ago I heard that Dr Beck had a new book out. So, being the diet book junkie that I am (sorry about using the "D" Word ScottO, but it's what best describes them) I had to order it. Only, it seems the announcement of the book's release was premature. The book wasn't actually 'out' yet. Well, I soon forgot about it. Moved on, gained more weight, did a triathlon, read other books, joined Metifast... you know how it goes.

Last night, however, there was a package on my porch from Amazon. I was really confused because Hubby and I have made a deal to not spend 'frivolous' money for a while. All my 'play money' has been going to race entry fees. So, a package from Amazon meant I hadn't kept up my end of the 'deal'. I opened the package and there was the 'Green Book' Dr Beck's "The Complete Beck diet for life"!

Seems that while I had forgotten that I had ordered the book, amazon hadn't and shipped it as soon as they got some in stock. HA! -- Oh well, I love Dr Beck and I'm sure I can learn some awesome stuff from her as well as get a refresher. You may see me pulling some highlights from it over the next few weeks.

Random Stats that Amuse me- and various other ramblings

I've been on plan for 82 days/almost 12 weeks

I've lost 36.4 lbs - that's .44 lbs a day or 3.11 per week

Other then my first week, the most I've lost is 4.5 lbs, the least was a gain of 0.3

My average weight my first week was 233. My average weight last week was 206.

I give myself a small reward every two pounds (I have to be three days at or below that weight). The longest time between rewards was between 212 and 210 (12 days). The shortest was between 210 and 208 (1 day). The average time to drop 2 lbs is 5.5 days.

I've gone from a size 18W (pants) to size 16 (no W). I've gone from a size XXL shirt to XL.

Since I got my body bugg (April 26th)my average calories burned per day is 2550. On my highest Day (Yeah I did a tri that day) I burned 4260. On my lowest 1850 (This is what I burn if I do nothing but sit on my keester all day).

I average over 10,000 steps a day

So what does all this mean? Well, it means that I really like data and numbers... lol.

So what else is going on with me? Well ballpark food (even lean & Green Ballpark food) combined with a late night and not much sleep has the scale stall. That's ok - it'll even up eventually.

I pulled a pair of pants out of my closet of shame this weekend that were just a LEETLE too tight (you know - some zipper strain) but when I put them on this morning they zip just find and are actually baggy around the waist. How did that happen?! Bodies are just so weird.

Hubby and I are going to go run with the 'group' tonight around Lace Merced. 4.5 miles - I hope it's easier then Tuesday night's run was. When I told hubby that I was looking forward to running with the club tonight he responded that he was looking forward to the cookies they provide after the run! lol - hey whatever motivates you right?

Ok - so now I want to ask you guys a question. I was reading another blogger and she mentioned that she's purging her closet. Getting rid of all her 'too big' clothes and it got me wondering. When do you declare something 'too big'? Is it when the next size down fits? Or is it when it falls off your ever shrinking bootie? do I just stage a huge fashion show and let hubby tell me what's not fit to wear anymore?

What have you all done?

I can't see my weight loss - and The Paper Towel Theory

So I've seen a lot of rumbling lately from folks who aren't seeing their weight loss. Or, who aren't seeing it where they would like to see it, etc.

I TOTALLY understand this feeling :) Even though my husband told me almost daily that he could tell the difference, even though I was fitting into smaller clothes, for a while there, I couldn't tell I was loosing weight when I looked in the mirror.

But, there is a reason for this (other then body dismorphication). It's called the Paper Towel Theory. I read it on Dr Hussman's website many years ago and thought it might be beneficial to share it here.

The Paper Towel Theory

As it turns out, you can get fairly good estimates of your bodyfat composition simply from a single skinfold, or by passing a tiny electrical current through your foot, ankle or hands. What this really means is that fat is distributed fairly precisely on the body. And while it's true that some people have larger fat deposits on some parts of their body than others, it's also true that percentage-wise, the fat on your body comes off fairly evenly.

That's important to remember when you measure your progress. See, one of the first places you're probably looking for fat loss is on those areas of your body that you think are "too fat." But in fact, that's the last place you should look, because I can guarantee that those areas are still going to look "too fat" for a little while.

Think of it this way. If you have a roll of paper towels (or a cassette tape), and you start to unravel it, you can get a good amount off of the roll before you really see a visible change. But as you get further down that roll, even taking off a little more is very apparent.

The same is true with your body. The first place you're going to see greater definition is at those areas where the fat deposits are relatively thin already. For most people, this is around the shoulders and clavicles (the two long bones that run just under your neck, connecting your two shoulders to the breast plate).

Another reason why this is important is that advertisers often prey on the belief that fat can be "spot-reduced." All the twisty ab-crunchers on the market are perfect examples. Basically, these companies get a fitness model that has followed months or years of weight training, aerobics, and proper nutrition, and have them roll back and forth in one of these things, as if they actually got in shape that way.

Or look at all the books promising to help you lose fat "for your type" - pear shaped, apple shaped, dodecahedron shaped - you name it. It's true, for example, that people who are insulin resistant tend to store more fat in the midsection, and that women tend to store more fat in the thigh area. But so what? If you lose the fat, it comes off EVERYWHERE. If a problem area looks "too fat", training that area with exercise may very well improve the definition of the underlying muscles and the overall form of that area. But it will not accelerate fat loss relative to other parts of your body.

If the body didn't lose fat uniformly, we'd all wobble around like Weebles because our relatively fixed bone and muscle structure wouldn't be able to tolerate the variation. The best way to change the size of your body is through caloric deficits. The best way to change the shape is through resistance training. The one thing you need to achieve a total physique and fitness transformation is to do EVERYTHING - aerobics, intervals, resistance training, cross-training (physiologist Covert Bailey calls these the "four food groups of exercise"), small frequent meals, high-quality protein and carbohydrates, low-glycemic nutrition, proper supplementation, water, and rest. As Shawn Phillips says, "the one thing, is everything."

So again, if you're looking for results in the mirror, look for the first signs of improved definition at those areas where muscle is relatively close to the surface. For most people, this is the upper chest and shoulder area. After two weeks, you probably won't see enormous visible changes elsewhere. But those changes are happening anyway.

You should definitely be keeping track of how your clothes feel. Go to the closet and pick out an outfit that's just a little too tight. Put it aside. You'll want to try it on occasionally. Waist measurements can also capture fat loss that isn't necessarily evident in the mirror.

------------------------------------

There you go! :)

Now - if you really want an eye opener - try the Paper Towel experiment. Take a brand new roll and take off one piece (one pound). doesn't really make a visable difference does it? What if the roll is 1/2 gone? Take off a piece... ooo, you can kind of see that can't ya? How about if it's almost gone? Take off a piece - WOW! can you see that!?

Yeah, it can be discouraging in the beginning to think. This one (or three or four) pounds aren't going to make a difference. But they do... That paper towel roll isn't going to unwind itself! You can't grab a sheet out of the middle no matter how much you might want to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - hang in there folks! Every pound matters weather you 'see' it or not!

The Game is Over

And I survived. I got my excercise for the day in. I got lost inside the stadium twice and walked the whole thing both times! Yeah, I'm that good.

the best part of the night was that they actually had food that wasn't hot dogs :) sliced turkey and veggies whoo hoo! Yeah, I lean and greened at a baseball game.

I'm on my way home now, but I wanted to share one little thing that occured to me while I was hiking around the stadium in work clothes.

You often hear the expression "never let them see you sweat". Well I propose that the female version of that is "never let them see you limp"

yeah, I was wearing heels tonight. :)

Sleep - it does a body good

One thing about being go go go on the weekends is that I don't get to catch up on my sleep like in the 'old days'. Luckily, I can work from home now and then and on those days instead of getting up at 5AM I can wake up at 9 - it's bliss. Today was a work from home day (at least in the morning) - so I got my extra few hours of sleep and it seems to have had some benefits because I weighed this morning and I'm in the 202's! I like the way that looks!

My 3 mile run last night was hard. I don't know if it was the low calorie day I had on Monday, the lack of sleep over the weekend, the heat or all of it, but I struggled. But, I did it - got it done, logged in the books and I'm sure my body benefited from it. My training partner (the dog) thought it was tough too :) He actually let me squirt him with the hose when we got home when normally he runs as soon as he hears the water turn on!

Had a small NSV last night :) I know, this may sound weird to some people... lol. But I'm a 'center of attention' kind of girl. I have what some call a sanguine personality. I pretty much thrive on positive attention. One of the things that weight gain does is tends to make one 'invisible'. Which can really be disheartening to one who likes to burst in the room to "Hi NORM!" if you know what I mean. Of course you start to erode your self confidence and sometimes that makes getting the weight off even harder. My husband even mentioned at one point. "I miss the old self confident you" And he was right, that person was buried under the weight gain and all the mental crap that went with it.

One of the things completing Lavaman did for me was give me a sense of accomplishment and self worth that had been lacking for so long. For the week we spent in Hawaii after words people would recognize my purple hair and go "You did Lavaman didn't you! I remember you! Awesome job!" I was still riding the high from all of that when I came home and there, waiting for me was my first order of Medifast. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.

Although I'm only 30% of the way toward my goal I feel 100% better. My confidence is back, I walk with my head up, I meat people's eye when I walk down the street, I'm 'me' again. Hubby is back to stopping me in the middle of dinner, just to wrap his arms around me and snuggle, and I'm thriving.

But last night, something happened that hasn't happened in years. Again, this is probably going to sound really weird to folks, lol!

Yesterday I had on my favorite slacks, there's something about them that's really flattering - just the perfect cut, perfect length, and one of the few blouses that that actually show off my waist. As I left work, I had stashed what is my almost always present sweater in my bag because, it was hot, and I headed down the street toward BART. I was almost to BART when I heard it...

"Whoa MaMa!"

A CAT CALL!

For me! I haven't had that in AGES. Maybe that makes me shallow, but I'll take a compliment when it's given - hahah.

Look out world - Shawn is back!

One of my weight loss goals...

Is to be as sexy as my car ;)

I was going to wait until 200 to post a picture, but it was too nice a day, and I was feeling too good to not snap a quicky before heading off to the city.

Breaking the Cycle - and Holding Myself Accountable

For the past four weeks I've had a cycle of maintaining (actually gaining - .1 and .3) for a week, and then dropping for a week. Last week was a 'good' week where I dropped. I'm happy about that, but I'm tired of this cycle. So this week - no maintaining, no gaining. I want to see progress! I've made a good start of it. Down 1.2 since weigh in on Saturday.

Yep, I'm below 205! I usually give myself a few days before 'officially' proclaiming a milestone reached, but I'm going to celebrate my first day under 205 just a little ;)

Still, as happy as I am, the focus is on Onderland... Onderland... Onderland :) to that end, I would like to be below 202 by Saturday. I don't know if it's possible but I'm going to follow 'the plan' with that goal in mind.

What really struck me today is how really really nice it is to put on clothes today and not have them be tighter then yesterday. After 2+ years of dreading getting up and facing my closet, wondering "What going to not fit today..." In fact, the pants I put on today might be gaping just a little around the waist... and I just started wearing them again! Now THAT'S the way to start the morning!

Exercise planned for the week:

Did a 30 minute bike ride - kept it between 11-16 MPR. Nice and easy recovery from Saturday. Tonight I'll go for a run - 3 miles minimum as I start a 1/2 marathon program this week in prep for my 'Big' triathlon in September. Wednesday is a longer bike ride (1 hour). Thursday 3 Mile run. Friday a bike and a long open water swim, and then Saturday Hubby and I are doing a 14 mile run/walk called the Double DipSea. (it's more a 'hike' then anything).

I'm still trying to keep my calories around 1000 - like I said, below that and I don't feel well.

The biggest challenge this week will be Wednesday. I've been 'asked' to attend a customer appreciation event at the Oakland A's since one of my bigger clients will be there. I'm sure many of you are going... ooo you get to go watch the Giant's vs the A's in a luxury box?! what's your beef!? Well #1 I'm not good at... what's the word I'm looking for... schmoozing. I do my job and do it well, no matter my personal feelings, but making small talk with someone that I don't give two shakes about... bleh. Then there's the fact that I don't like baseball. Ok maybe 'don't like' is too mild a word, but let's just say I've actually fallen asleep at Candlestick during a double header. just doesn't do it for me. So what's left? Well I used to go for the food and the booze. MMMMMMM baseball food. But, my guess is nothing provided will be 'on plan', so that means I'm going to have to go to extraordinary efforts to get my meals in that day.

alright, I'm done /whine lol!

Anyway - I'm saying all of this more to get it down in writing and to keep myself accountable. -- Cause it's all about Onederland baby! lol

Sharing an NSV (Non-Scale Victory)

You guys - I'm in tears right now...

This might not be something that everyone can relate to, but I hope you will join me in celebrating anyway :)

They finally posted the results from my tri on Saturday. Up 'til now, all I had was my finish time - nothing else.

Well, now I know more and it's... well, for me it's a NSV that still has me stunned.

First of all:

My finish time (as you know) was 2:02:33 - that was fast enough for me to place 139th out of 177 people. That is my BEST finish time to date and in and of itself was very heartening.

Of the women who competed I finished 33rd out of 57 - again a really pleasing number.

of women my age (40-44) I finished 10 out of 14 -- again, for me that's good and those numbers along were enough to make me do a happy dance, but -- there was more.

If you read my report you know that I felt like I struggled on the swim. The results paint a slightly different picture. My time for the 500 yard swim - 11:54. That was fast enough to finish 81st out of the 177 competitors. I was in the top 1/2!! and better yet, only 16, YES 16! women finished in front of me! Oh My God!! I was in 17th place out of 57 (women) when I was done with the swim!

The bike and run numbers weren't nearly as dramatic. On the bike I was 134th out of 177, and on the run I was 146th. Just the fact that I finished the run faster then about 30 people is still, a really, really big deal. I'm making progress!!

Thank You FREECYCLE!!

If you've never logged in to freecycle.org, please, do so now. Find out if there's a group near you and sign up. It's, ummm FREEEEEE!

Anyway, I signed up a few weeks ago and have watched some nice things come and go. The other day though, an add caught my eye, I replied to it, and yesterday I came home with two HUGE hefty bags (lawn size) full of clothes size 12 to 9! Jeans, shirts, sweaters and some nice dresses - all in sizes that I'll be able to wear in a few months. This is going to save me a ton on clothing that I would just 'shrink out of' anyway!

I plan to 'pay it forward' and offer my stuff up there as soon as I'm done with it.

Go check it out now!

Finished!!!

Yep - I finished! It was a GREAT race. Well run and so much fun!

500 Yard swim
9 mile bike (mountain bike, single track)
3.5 mile Run

Finished in 2hours 2minutes! whoot!

Awww Shucks

205.4 this morning. Didn't hit my goal, but I got pretty darn close! I'm on my way to my race. So, I can't type much. Have a great day everyone!

Run Girl Run!

So, as I mentioned earlier - Hubby and I met up with a running group in San Francisco after work and did a run with them. It was our first time with this group so we didn't really know what to expect. I've had bad experiences running with folks in San Francisco before because... well they are all so FIT. But this group seemed to be a nice cross section and I felt really comfortable.

The plan for tonight was to do a 4.5 mile run around Lake Merced. At the designated time we all lined up, someone yelled "GO" and we were off!

I really wasn't expecting to be able to keep up with the pack. It's just not the way it is for me - I'm slow and I know it :). They all pulled away at first and then, magically, they stopped gaining ground! I did a mental check and found that i wasn't struggling, really, so I just went with the flow, keeping a few folks in site.

The first mile rolled past rather quickly and I checked my watch.. WHAT! 11 minutes!? I kept going. Mile two came -- another 11 minute mile!? But now the running path was starting to head up hill. I was hitting the wall that I always seem to hit somewhere in mile three. I was tired, I was winded, I was hurting... But I was determined. Even as I saw the others pulling away and eventually go out of site I knew what my goal was. I was going to run 3.2 miles (a 5K).

I kept running. I felt like I was barely moving. I wanted to stop, to walk for a while, or even maybe halt all together to catch my breath. But I kept running. I was determined, no matter how slow I had to go, that I would reach my goal of 3.2 miles.

And I did! I finished that 3.2 miles in 37:15 - averaging an 11:38min/mile pace! (that's 5.2 @ 1% incline if you're used to the treadmill).

But I wasn't done yet. Nope - the route was 4.5 miles long. I had reached a milestone, but wasn't to the finish yet! The last 1.3 miles I did a run/walk combo and in the end, I finished the 4.5 miles in 53:53 - averaging a 12:06 min/mile pace. Not too shabby!

What was really exciting was that when I got to thinking about how far I've come...I realized that the first "Marker Set" we did while training to do Lavaman we were asked to run 2 Miles and record our time. That first time out (On 11/20/09) I ran that 2 miles in 31:35. Just a little faster then I ran OVER 3 miles tonight! WHOO HOO!!

But there was something else I realized tonight. I was thinking about how like a MediFast Journey my run was.

We start out so gung ho. We're (usually) losing at a fast pace... We're excited, pumped up, we feel like we can do anything.

Then, at some point, we hit that wall. Our body/mind screams at us to stop... Let me catch my breath... Let's lay down, this is too hard! And we have two choices at that point. We can stop, and hope we're able to get going again, or we can keep our goal in site, keep moving. Yeah, we might slow down a bit... The fat may not be dropping at quite the same rate, and we can let that discourage us. But if we just keep moving in the right direction. If we keep pumping our arms, keep focused on breathing and putting one foot in front of the other over and over again... We'll make it to our goal! And maybe making it to goal, doesn't mean we get to lie down. We may need to keep walking and even running some, but the sense of accmplishment from reaching that goal will help propel us along. And all the pain will be worth it.

Keep running my MF friends. At YOUR pace. As I was told when training for Lavaman. Even if you come in last, you're still ahead of every person who's at home sitting on their couch right now.

Even if your weight loss has stalled, even if your struggling a little with BLT - or whatever. You're still ahead of every person who hasn't chosen to step on this path and start this weight loss journey.

We're all winners - dang it! - now where's my metal?! :)

A Peacefull Easy Feeling

Not much to say today. Took my rest day last night so no workout. And my weight rebounded a little bit this morning. No worries, I was expecting it. Still expect to be at or below 205 on Saturday which was my ultimate goal. Food has been 'easy' again. I like days like this.

The plan tonight is to go run with one of the local running clubs. They do a 4.5 mile loop around Lake Merced every Thursday, so hubby and I are going to stop there, and do that before heading home. I can hardly believe that I look at a 4.5 mile run as such a 'normal' thing now. I like it.

Otherwise - not much else to say... lol. Perhaps I'll have some amazing insight later on today :)

Weekend Update

I had big hopes for this weekend. We had a lot of plans most of them involving enjoying the beautiful weather we've been having.

I got off early on Friday and ran down to the AT&T so they could set up my phone for me. It was exciting to finally get to use my new 'toy' (I got an iphone) and it was a great way to kick off the weekend.

After that I jumped on BART and rode down to pick up my car and then drove to a local park called Shadow Cliffs - there I was meeting up with a group of folks to do an open water swim! But first, I had to pass the swim test.

I wasn't really worried about the swim test, and it was a nice warm-up to the longer swim that was planned for that night. At 6:15 I was in my wetsuit, in the water, and headed for the far side of the lake - now a certified 'ORCA' :) The out and back was 1600yards total, and that along with the 300yard swim test I had done earlier meant I had done over a mile - whoop! It felt GREAT.

After the swim I headed home, showered, changed and then planned on getting some food for the dog. But that's when I got 'the call' from my husband :( He had been driving down the highway home when the rear tire had blown out. He and the car were ok, but while trying to change the tire he found out that they had never given us the lug nut key and he couldn't get the old 'blown-out' tire off!

Well the dog food (and my food) were forgotten in the rush to get down and meet up with him. He tried a few 'tricks' to get the tire undone, and when that didn't work it was up to me to drive from store to store to see if I could find what we needed.

I didn't. I was getting hungerier and hungerier as the night wore on and finally I HAD to stop. A quick drive through the at Arby's and I had a roast beef sandwich in hand. I threw out the bread and ate just the 'beef' and at least stopped shaking. It was at least enough to get me through until I got home.

After the futile search for the lug nut key, we finally just had to throw in the towel and I picked up hubby and we went home, leaving the car in a gas station parking lot. Any ideas we had of a nice relaxing Friday night at home were completely blown. We finally hit the door after 11! I mixed a quick shake for my last meal of the day and hit the sack.

We were up early on Saturday, but not for the nice bike ride I had been planning. Instead it was a drive to the Toyota dealership to try to find the key. They told us there were 12 different keys and they needed the car in order to tell which one! Only the car had a flat that we couldn't fix and was over 15 miles away! duh! We drove back to the car and made an imprint of the lock with play dough and brought that back to the dealership. They spent some time trying to figure out the match before the guy at the shop just said "I'll probably get in trouble for this, but just take them all and bring back the ones that don't work" and so we did (Thank you thank you thank you Toyota guy!).

FINALLY the car was fixed, we took back the keys that didn't work, bought the one that did and made it home. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the yard, planting flowers and pulling weeds, while hubby scrubbed bathrooms, vacuumed, swept and did laundry (yeah we're weird like that).

Our reward for all the housework? We settled down to taco salads (with ground turkey and no chips) and the finale of "The Biggest Loser". It was a the perfect ending to a less then perfect day. Watching the Biggest Loser always charges me up and I ended up day with a 30 minute light calistenic session including the first day of my 100 pushup program.

Sunday we were all up EARLY - the whole family (except my son) were going to run the Bay to Breakers. We all had breakfast and suited up for the day. A short drive and then we were on BART and on our way into the city.

Once in the city, we started walking to where our starting corrals were. On our way we go a very pleasant surprise! Cause standing on the sideway (almost in front of the place I work) was Jerry - who I had just watch win 100,000 the night before!

The girls just HAD to meet him so we did, and got pictures.



After that, we lined up to start and about a half an hour later, we were off!

We had a GREAT time. The B2B is a great race, lots of fun and the participants and the fans are amazing.

At mile 5 I decided to pick up the pace and ran to the finish. It felt great and I was glad to push myself a bit.

After 7.5 miles we were finished, and while rounding up the family members we ran into Jerry again! The girls wanted to see how his race went so we said hi. He told us that he had always wanted to do the B2B but was too heavy - so this was a dream come true for him -- it was great to be there to witness it!



We finished our day with a one mile walk to go get food and pick up our finishers t-shirts, and then a two mile walk to catch the train back to the race start. Even though it was exhausting, it made for an AMAZING finish to the weekend.

And my weight in all of this? Well that's the biggest bummer I guess. Saturday I had a weird jump up to 215.1 (from a low of 213.9). Sunday I woke up still at 215.1 and this morning? 215.4 -- My hormones have been going crazy since I started this program and TOM has started again WAY early so between that and all the exercise plus the extra salty food over the weekend... should make this an interesting week to say the least :)