Hi!

Well today I've taken the dive again. I even joined the BFL challenge - offically.

The goal - see what changes I can make by the end of the year. I know five weeks are going to see me being a BFL finalist, but I figure it can at least get a jump start on any New Year Resolutions.

Offical starting weight is 202.5

I don't have measurements yet, but I'm sure I won't like them.

Goals - same as always - lose as much as I can. But more importantly FINISH. Stick too it. Honor self promices. That's more important to me then anything else right now.

So I start the whole thing with a challenge. I'm going to dinner tonight. Chinese food. The plan? See if I can find the menu online and plan what I'm going to order before I get there.

The other option is to have a few free meals during the week but no free day.

of course that's complicated by a vacation at the end of this week, and several days in Disney Land. sheesh!

Life's full of complications though. I just need to learn to live with them.

I want to thank those of you who've posted these past few weeks. The fact that someone cares enough to post on a 'dead' blog means a lot to me.

So, where am I now? Unfortunatly, I'm back to OVER 200. It sucks go be stuck inside this body. BUT, I haven't given up. In my mind every day is a chance to make good choices. I don't always make them, but I at least believe I've got that choice.

I had a good week - two weeks ago - My fiance' started doing the program with me and I had a whole week of quailty eating. I felt great, and dropped below 200 almost immediatly. The life snuck back in. One cookie turned into a slice of cake, etc.

I haven't worked out in ages. The treadmill and weight machine mock me daily. I promice them I'll be back but it hasn't happened yet. But, as I said, I havn't given up. I'm not sure how I get back into the groove again. There has to be a way. I'll not be stuck like this forever.

Once again, thank you to those of you who responded here. It means a lot to me to know there are those who are watching and who care. I'll try to post with regularity again. Maybe that will allow me to work through some of this.

In the mean while. Weight today - 202. It's a long hard road ahead of us.

As you probably guessed, my program tood a dump. Ediets didn't help and I'm sitting here still as heavy and out of shape as before. I haven't gained back all of the weight I lost last year, but it's close. Worse, I feel like CRAP! It probably doesn't help that I'm on my period, but either way I've lost whatever edge I ever gained.

I'm not sure what is worse, feeling fat and misserable, or knowing that just a year ago I was better then this and on a path to be great. I don't know why I have so much trouble stay on this path. It's not like I don't want it. I want it so bad that feeling like I do right now makes me want to curl up in a little ball and just cry. But then life settles in and reach for a doughnut instead of something healthy. Or I sit and watch a movie instead of hitting the weights or treadmill. I really have NO excuses! And yet I continue to find them.

I'm at a loss. I'm not really sure where to turn or what to do. The problem isn't with what program I choose. It's not about eating carbs, or eating fat or do I lift first or do cardio more. It's about me - sticking to what I start and following through with my commitments to myself.

We are once again at square one folks. And if you're still with me. Thanks!

It's been a week, I know.

Things have actually been going rather well. I haven't been 100% in my eating (more like 85%) but I feel like I've made some progress. I haven't missed a single weight workout, though my cardio hasn't been consistant. The results? I haven't lost a single pound. Still hanging at 191. I suppose the good news is I haven't been 100%. If I was putting 100% into it and not losing anything... that would just SUCK. So the next week the goal is to clean up the eating some more and get more consistant with the cardio. It should be an interesting week as I'm alone Tuesday through Friday. I'm not sure if that's going to help or hurt me. We'll see.

And for those of you thinking (muscle weighs more then fat) My BF% isn't dropping either. I'm waiting to do measurements for a few more weeks. My clothes? There are days I feel like I'm doing something, and others I swear they are tighter then ever. I'm pretty sure that if I would just throw a little consistancy into the mix that I would really start to take off. Ok- I'm MORE then sure.

Oh and I really need to drink more water. I've been watching myself and I'm pretty sure that four litres of diet pepsi a day CAN'T be good for me. Time to really start working on ditching that habit. Or at least making it managable.

It figures doesn't it? I came in today primed for bear. Lunches packed, game face on and there, on the table are BOXES of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. ACK! I'm staying hidden in my corner until they are gone!

I talked to my dad today and he’s coming to visit. I’m excited about this, but at the same time I’m a little stressed out because, seriously, the thought crossed my mind, “I have GOT to lose some weight before then!” and the next thought? “Tomorrow I’m going to get serious!” So I started looking at the calendar. I was stunned, thrilled and amused all at the same time because, you see, my dad is arriving in EXACTLY 12 weeks! I’ve got 12 weeks, a BFL challenge length of time to make some serious body changes.

And why, may you ask, am I worried about this? Well, aside from the fact that I don’t see my dad that often and I’d like to make a good impression? He’s a personal trainer.

So tomorrow I start, with purpose, with goals! This is going to be cool!

A recap of my first week

Wednesday turned out to be as challenging as I had thought. Though not for the reasons I had thought. For some reason I just did NOT want to eat the food I had brought with me. I muddled through the day substituting bars for a few meals. At my meeting, I was in for a surprise: Food, real food: teriyaki chicken, steamed veggies, salad, and rolls. I had a little of everything. But, as I had figured I didn’t get my workout in.

Thursday I started on plan, then my honey called me up and said “Let’s go to Olive Garden tonight”. OG, my nemesis! I skipped a few meals so I would have room. I kind of wiggled my schedule around and labeled this as a ‘free meal’. One GOOD thing was that we did our workout before leaving. At OG I limited my bread, but didn’t resist the Italian Margaritas (I had two). I’ve been craving them for MONTHS. I had a half plate of raviolis and then didn’t even eat all of them, so I walked out of there feeling pretty strong.

Friday went well, I did my run and it was easier then the time before. Food was good and on plan with a dinner that was YUMMY.

Saturday – Dinner was a free meal with the rest of the day on plan. We did a bunch of walking, but didn’t do our workout. When I woke up I said “Should we work out now, or when we get home?” He said “when we get home”. But when we got home – well we had had a beer at dinner and it was late so the workout was put off.

Sunday – again we thought we would workout when we got home, again, it didn’t happen. BUT we did hike about 5 miles or so for our cardio. Breakfast was my last free meal and the rest was on plan.

Results for the week? Weight is down, pant-o-meter is showing positive results, though measurements are still not showing amazing results. Still I FEEL really good, and that’s positive motivation to keep things moving.

testing

The little girl in me is being stubborn. She keeps peeking into my lunch box and then sitting back and pouting at it's contents. It's my fault I suppose. After all I fixed everything in on my ediets menu plan, and I didn't really THINK while I was fixing it what the brat was going to say. The mature adult in me was is residence and as I added apples and raisans to my chicken salad she said "This should be intresting". And when I cooked my chicken strips for a burrito with bell peppers, I thought "It can't hurt to try..." and when I chose to NOT include any cheese I thought "I don't NEED cheese" But the brat, she looks at that food and says "Ewww! Ick! Yucky! Let's go to the store and grabs a smores bar!" And where is my helpful adult now? I think the brat has her tied up in the basement.

The day has ended great - I had some 'rough' moments when I had to wait WAY too long for meal3 (as in it was already time for meal 4) and I got REALLY hungry - but it all worked out, and I stayed on plan! whoop!

Run tonight was HARD. I'm so bummed at how out of shape I got in so little time. But it should come back quickly.

Meals are packed for tomorrow, but it'll be a challenging day. It's time for the quarterly dinner meeting, and that means passing up the crap food they will serve there for a bar, (or something like that)so I can have a good solid dinner here at home. Also getting in excercise when I don't get home until after 9:00pm? Yeah it's a challenge and may have to be put off one day - I SO hate to do it, but this is about a weeks work more then a days, so I'll have to be satisfied.

I was in my car earlier when I had a thought - it started this way.

I started feeling pretty worn out this afternoon and I was pumping myself up to do what needs to be done after I get home. I figured, bare minimum for the night would be excecercise, dinner and packing my lunch for the next day. Then, of course, that lazy little girl that lives inside of me started whispering "You don't HAVE to pack your lunch" Amazingly, this warm mothering voice in my head smothered out the witch with the thought "Yes you do, because you need to pack lunch for N____ too". Suddenly I had hit on something!

You see, it's much too easy for me to find reasons to not do things for myself. I'll often pass on new clothes or some treat for myself, that I would NEVER skip for someone else that I loved. What does that mean that I love others more then myself? Probably.

I hear those of you out there screaming... "Take care of YOU first - what are you thinking?" But then I realized, why not use this to my advantage rather then fight it, and try to change part of my ingrained nature?

Why DO they tell us that we should never lose weight for someone else? No I'm not talking about my fiance' telling me "lose weight or I'm leaving". THAT is wrong on SO many levels. But why not attach some emotional baggage to weightloss that goes beyond my selfish reasons that OBVIOUSLY arn't working.

When it comes down to sticking to my plan, or eating what everyone else is eating so they feel comfortable - which do you think _I_ choose? 9 times out of 10 I'll cave.

SO, my thought is this. Yes, I'm doing this for myself. Because I want to be thin, and healthy, and strong. But I'm doing it for my fiance' who deserves to have a fiance' who's thin, healthy and strong, and for the example I can set for him. I'm also doing it for my children - who deserve a mother who's thin healthy and strong. For my 16 year old who needs a healthy example of losing weight, for my 10 year old (who's shaped exactly like me) who needs to know that she isn't doomed to obesety, for my son who deserves to have a MILF... ok, maybe that's taking it a bit too far, but you get the idea.

I think, that for me to succeed it needs to be about more then me. Maybe that's been the missing key all along.

We'll see

Yesterday was a definite Coupe! I ate small meals, six times a day and had an AWSOME upper body workout. The best part was that I had a workout partner! That’s right, my sweetie worked out with me, and said he enjoyed it so much that he wants to do it again! Whoo Hoo! There is no doubt in my mind that with him working out with me, that I’ll get it done. Talk about motivation.

I also tried something else for the food issue. I purchased a subscription to ediets. They have a BFL option that really makes planning the week and purchasing groceries easy. I have to say, that I’m feeling strong, empowered; exactly the kinds of feelings that get me up and carry me through those tempting moments. This morning, when I stopped at the store to pick up my morning Pepsi, I had no second thoughts while walking past the powdered doughnuts or king sized Reece’s peanut butter cups. That’s a huge step for me. HUGE.

I’ve got all my food packed for the day. Breakfast was Grapenuts with soymilk, strawberries and a slice of cheese. Mid-meal was a chicken sandwich. Lunch is a salad with leftover, blacked chicken from last night. Late mid-meal is yogurt with blueberries and pine nuts. Dinner is extra-lean hamburger on a slice of bread with carrots, and dessert, an any day ‘Sunday’.

Exercise tonight is a 20 minute run – HIIT.

I love when I feel this way. When things are set out, planned and I’m feeling up to any task. I wish I could hold onto this feeling everyday, but then, if I could, I suppose I would already weigh 130lbs wouldn’t I?

1 day down 83 to go! Let’s see what the day chooses to throw at me next.

OMG - I haven't been by the BFL site in a while - so you can imagine my surprise when I saw THIS

Real Life Success Stories - Inga Smith

Horray to EAS for picking a winner who may not have the ideal bikini body, but who's made HUGE strides toward a healthier lifestyle. I REALLY needed to see that today.

Alright - I feel so stupid really - I almost feel like I should just do this for a few weeks and THEN come back here and say "Hey I did it!" How many times have I started and not followed through? Too many, but I keep on keepin' on I guess. I really have to stop thinking this way. mulling over my mirade of defeats. This time WILL be different. Why? Ummm because it's Augest that's why. Sheesh, if there was some magic formula that said why some times we drop out and others we complete our tasks, then heck, EVERYONE would be doing it right?

Anyway - starting stats:

Weight 191.5
Body Fat 46.7%
Lean Mass 102.1
Fat 89.4

Neck 14
Chst 38
Bust 45
Ribs 36
Waist 37.5
Hips 46.5
Butt 44.5
Thigh 26.5/26.5
Calf 15.25/15.25
Upper Arm 14.5/14.5
Bicep 12/11.75
Forarm 10.25/10.5
Wrist 6/6.25

My goals this time are simple. Make it 'til the end. To eat right and excercise. I'm not going get hyper focused on results. What I want to see, though, is me meeting me daily goals. Me making right choices and getting fitter and stronger. But mostly I want to see me gaining confidence in myself and my ability to stick to something. To complete a task.

Now, I need to go mix up a nice shake - make my menu for the week, make a shopping list and perhaps go shopping!

It starts today, and I am,(date I say it?) Excited!

I've weighed in, taken pictures and now I just need to so measurements and check body fat. As soon as I do, I'll report back here. You all will get every painful detail!

Heh.

And for the legs, Extensions and/or curls. I can do something besides squats! woo hoo!! And the preacher curl pad isn't a bad addition either. 

Yes, that's a lat pulldown attachement, the one piece that I felt was impossible to get while working at home. 

Here's the Entire setup Beautiful isn't it? 

You all arn't going to believe this...

I bought a weight bench with leg attachment AND pully system - I can do lat pull downs and leg extensions and leg curls!

Eating wise, I am SO ready for this. I'm really going to do this. 12 weeks isn't that long, but we'll see what we can do.

I'll take begining pictures (though not share them this time. There isn't THAT much of a difference - believe me) I'm doing my menu now, and I'll plan my workout before I get home tomorrow.

But it's late, gotta pack my lunch and get to bed. Tomorrows the start of the first 12 weeks of my new life!

As if it wasn't already evident that "Something MUST Be Done" I went clothes shopping yesterday. Whereas not too long ago I was toying with size 12 (I even own one pair of size 12 pants), yesterday I was running about 50/50 with size 14. And on top? I'm firmly back in an extra large.

The good news is this didn't bother me as much as it could have because I've aready taken steps and am making progress in the right direction. Weight today 192. Food the past few days has been in control, but I'm in no way feeling deprived. I'm eating when hungry and stopping before I've stuffed myself. Next week things get a little more structured, but I'm going to do everything I can to keep from feeling boxed in and stifled. I'll keep you informed as it goes.


OH - and I recieved my BFL packet in the mail. I'm not sure I want to enroll right now, given my realization that there is NO WAY 12 weeks is going to turn me into the BFL poster child.. YET. Anyone have any thoughts?