Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays, originally uploaded by Part Time Mom.

"Faith that the thing can be done is essential to any
great achievement."

*Thomas Carruther

yay!

The Good: So I made it to the gym for the second day in a row - for the first time since before thanksgiving! yay! Last night while we were at the store doing our x-mas shopping my honey decided to buy himself an alarm clock for his side of the bed. Our previous situation was I have this lovely 'chime' alarm clock that softly plays a little tune to wake you up. And it does wake me up because I'm a pretty light sleeper. Unfortunately, I'm also not a good 'waker upper' so it's not unusual for me to turn off my alarm and not even remember doing it and in the meanwhile my loving husband hasn't even stirred. But now? Now my lovely chimes wake me up on MY side of the bed, and if I don't get up about 30 seconds later I get to hear *meep*meep*meep* which it annoying, loud and fortunately wakes him up too. So we'll see how it goes in the weeks ahead.. lol.

The Bad: Unfortunately - I'm out of no-xplode (my favorite supplement in the world) Not that I can tell that it helps build muscle or anything but because I DESPERATELY need that shot of caffeine in the morning. So I was up but not awake. I practically sleep walked my way through my workout. Still managed to lift decent weights though - just couldn't seem to focus. Oh and the bloody gym was FREEZING! I would do a set, break a sweat and then end up standing there shivering and covered with goosebumps while I waiting for my honey to finish his set. When we checked the wall thermometer it was only 57 degrees in there. FEH!! One of my coworkers says I'm not allowed to complain about the cold though because no one's supposed to be actually out and about at 4:00AM but hey - this girl has to hit the gym when she can.

Oh and if anyone wants to buy an x-mas present for me? I want the bottom t-shirt on this page.. lol http://www.trionutrition.com/tshirts.php

and lastly - has anyone seen the 'new' Monica Brant Ads? she looks SO freeking HOT!!! http://www.trionutrition.com/images/downloads/Monica_01_1024.jpg I have that photo on my fridge. Keeps BOTH of us motivated.. heheh

Anyway - training today was back

Assisted close grip Pull-ups (still can't do a pull up *sob*): 80lbs (assistance) x 10 x 4

Seated Cable Rows: 135 x 10 x 4

Lat Pull-downs: 105 x 10 x 4

Barbell Bent Rows: 70 x 10 x 4

Barbell Shrugs (smith machine): 145 x 10 x 4

Then I walked for 30 minutes and my gym time for the day is done - whoop!

Inspired

As you may or may not know I've struggled a little with 'getting my head in the game' since I came back from my Honeymoon. Part of it has to do with the fact that I'm at 'that spot' - the one where I've stopped every other time I've lost weight. And... frankly I'm pretty comfortable at my weight. Dropping 40 lbs feels like such a difference it's hard to imagine I could make even MORE changes.

But Friday I went shopping for a dress for my company christmas party - and while it wasn't the tearfilled disaster that last year's dress shopping event was it was eye opening because for some reason - while under the harsh dressingroom lights I realized that although I've dropped 40 lbs, and I'm a size 10, and I'm the lightest weight I've been my entire adult life... I am still fat.

Now I don't mean that in a disparaging way... what I mean is I looked at myself and for some reason really SAW the potential that's waiting there. I've spent so much time recently - reveling in how far I've come. And yes, that's a good thing to do, BUT I wasn't spending enough time thinking about where I want to go, not in a postive sense. Well I have now and you know what? I'm EXCITED!

Hit the gym with new focus - I'm liking my planned meals again I'm looking forward to the new year and new goals and a whole new me. These next few months are going to ROCK!!

(Photos from the party to come soon)

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays

Sorry I haven't been online much - I've been very busy being 'Santa's little helper'




But - I can assure you that in the next few weeks I'll be recapping this year and setting up my goals for the new year. I'm 'on break' until the second week of January - just maintaining my current loss and enjoying the holidays.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas and/or whatever other holidays you choose to celebrate this time of year.

Photos!

I was going to wait until thanksgiving but i think next week is just going to be too busy so I took some progress photos today - and I'll share them :) Sorry that I still can't seem to work up a smile for these... heh

So, some of you remember me from this photo take in May of this year:



I've made a little progress since then :)

Front..



Side..

(sorry about the hight difference)



Back..



And just in case you wondered what I look like with CLOTHES on :)



And here's a bonus for those who like a 'strong woman'

(viva the tummy and why I'll never be on stage. :( )



The Hulk! :)



And right and left Bis





Little back action going on



My "I scare boys at the gym" pose



And, because I like to show off :)

Just a quick one

I promised myself not to neglect my blog :) so I'm going to throw a quick post up!

Still going really really well and it's paying off! 170.7 today - I'm close to breaking through the next decade! just 5 lbs and I'll be the weight I was when I graduated high school. also I promised myself a LONG LONG time ago that when I hit 165 I would take up ballet again - I guess it's time to go look up some schools! I'm not sure I ever REALLY believed I would get to this point and yet - here I am!

Had a killer leg workout today - feeling GRAND!

Thanks everyone for the fantastic support.

Oh - and LaLA - I was 'trial and erroring' things for a while myself and it just wasn't working. that's why I did the elimination thing. four foods ONLY for three days and now I'm adding 1 food every three days back in to see how I react. It's certainly NOT easy. Thanksgiving day though - all bets are off. I'll deal with the three days of pain I KNOW are coming after :)

Long Overdue Update!

I’ve been a BAD blogger and I’m so sorry!!

So let me start with a summery:

Things have been going GREAT! It’s been tough but I’ve been making the hard choices MOST of the time and I’m seeing results … and those are?? 171 lbs today! I weigh less then I have in 19 years! And even better when shopping on Sunday and tried on, fit into and bought 1 pair of slacks, 1 skirt and two pairs of jeans in size 10. size 10!! Sometimes I can’t believe this is really happening.

Now for the nitty gritty:

We had a great time on Halloween. I minded my P’s and Q’s no alcohol etc. BUT by Thursday 11/2 I was up to 176 – 2 lbs behind goal. Coach and I had a big long talk. I’ve been struggling with a lot of issues since coming back from Holiday – the biggest being the discovery that I have some abdominal adhesions (scar tissue) that are effecting my large intestine. Digestion hasn’t been ‘fun’ of late. And the output hasn’t always been matching the input – not to mention I’ve been in a lot of pain. So, coach suggested that I treat this like I have IBS – and I go on a STRICT elimination diet. Soo.. 11/3 I started my plan with only 4 ‘allowed’ foods. Chicken, Turkey, Rice and White Potatoes. Every three days I add a new food and see if I have a negative reaction to it. The result – well my food plan has been really easy :) My digestion working better and pain is minimized! Whoo hoo! You would think that all of that would make sticking to my plan a snap but No. I still struggle with temptation daily – ok sometimes hourly. And there are times when passing by the bakery and smelling the bread and cookies that I feel really depressed. But – my life does not revolve around food. Happiness is not determined by a cookie! :)

Workouts were another struggle – I found myself constantly struggling to find the time to workout and feeling guilty about missing. So – 1 I committed to making my 4:00AM workouts. Got all five of them in last week yay! Over the weekend I committed to doing my cardio on my lunch hour instead of trying to squeeze it in after work. I did that yesterday and what a WONDERFUL difference! It was so nice to get home and climb into my PJ’s guilt free. The last little bit came into place last night. Working out on my lunch works for me except my swimming workouts – there isn’t a pool near my work. There isn’t a pool near my house either so getting to a pool to swim is a point of major stress in my life. Frankly – I don’t need stress. Soooo even though I’m going to do a triathlon (sprint) in the spring – (for now) I’m not going to specifically train for the swimming part. The truth is I’m a very strong swimmer already and I don’t truly feel like I need to specifically train to swim the length required for the sprint. So the plan is this: Run three days a week, bike three days a week. Swim when I’m at a gym that has a pool (which happens usually on the weekends). No more driving 30 + miles out of our way on the way home so I can hit a pool. No more getting home at 9PM and then trying to pack my gym bag for the next day, have dinner and pack my lunches. Life is much simpler and much less stressful. I feel better already.

And that’s my update!

Happy Halloween!

  

Monday Monday

Weight in today 175.5

I think my weight is being a little stubborn right now - not because of what I'm doing as much as a time of the month thing - I've got myself dialed in and focused this week and actually I came off a pretty good weekend so I'm raring to go.

Goals today is 1242 to 1342 Calories and 150 minutes of excercise.

Got up and made it to the gym this morning and did chest and abs.

Chest:

Dumbbell Incline Bench Press: 35lbs x 12 x 4
Dumbbell Bench Press: 40 x 12 x 4
Barbell Decline Bench Press: 85 x 12 x 4

Abs:

Hanging Leg Lifts: 4 x 12 x 4
Cable Crunches: 100lbs x 12 x 4

total time 70 minutes

This is an 'easy' week and it was nice to take a little break from the heavy weights. I'm doing periodization training again so these numbers should change a lot over the next few weeks.

I've got to do a 30 minute bike ride after work and I'm going to do a 60 minute yoga session and that should get me the minutes I need. Lunches are made and in my bag - I've had over 1 liter of water already today and have a goal to have three more.

Meals Planned (in case anyone is curious):

Meal 1:

1 Egg/2 Egg Whites
Light English Muffin

Meal 2:

Zone Bar

Meal 3:

Salad (4 cups spinach and 1 cup broccoli/Carrots/Cabbage Shreds)
and 1 cup Stallone High Protein Pudding (vanilla)

Meal 4:

Turkey Sandwich (2 Slices Light Wheat Bread and Turkey Breast)
1 Cup Strawberry halves

Meal 5:

1 Banana
Soy Protein mixed with spenda and cocoa powder (unsweetened)

Meal 6:

Grilled Chicken Breast
Steamed Broccoli

Here's to making today a masterpiece!

Attitude

Boats along Lake Windermere, originally uploaded by Part Time Mom.

"Attitude and expectation have to be renewed daily. The first
step is to believe that we deserve what we desire. That sets
the tone for the rest of our day and thought processes."


*Gail Pursell Elliott, "The Dignity and Respect Lady

Hump Day Update

Well - I'm chugging through the week. The weekend din't go as well as I had hoped. Eating in the car and at someone elses house is always a challenge. went back above 176 but I'm working on getting below that and STAYING there. Seems 175 is turning out to be much like 200lbs for me - a bit of a struggle, but I know once I get past this that things will pick up for me again.

I've hit the gym the past three days (took a sleep in day today) and have really just rocked the joint. I've increased something every day and I just love it. Next week though I'm staring another 12 week periodization program - just cause it's a nice change of pace.

I've been looking for something I can do to add some extra excercise minutes to my program and have struggled with that for a while. I can always walk and do interval inclines but there are some days when the treadmill just isn't my thing. Last night I think I found one alternative...

check out
yogodownload.com

They offer a free class (two free classes if you go to the itunes 'podcast' section. I tried them both last night and just loved them. The instructor was very precise in her explinations - her flow was great and I was sweating and panting by the end and (as I usually do) ended the classes feeling better then when I started. The two 'power yoga' classes that I tried were light on the 'ooooommmm' hippy dippy metaphysical stuff for the most part which I like. They offer a few other 'types' of yoga some which are specifically for relaxation which may have more of that kind of stuff (for those of you who like that). At less then $5.00 a class I can certainly say they are worth the cost. I've spent tons more then that on vidios that I watched once and then threw away. These are great because they are MP3's so you can load them on your ipod (or whatever) and take them with you. Although they do require the certainl level of yoga 'knowledge' to hit the poses cause there's no visual to go by.

ok - so enough of the infomercial ;)

One other quick bit of interesting info. My husband is starting to 'suggest' to me that I have a book in me. I actually have an idea for something I would like to put together and may start sharing bits of it here. When I do I would love some feedback from any of you. :)

We'll see - it's not like I don't have 1000 other things I need to do - and I've already told him I can't publish anything until I've lost the rest of the weight. Hmmm more motivation for me eh!?

take care everyone!

Finally!

175.5 today. I'm seeing a downward trend again yay!! I've got my sites set on being OUT of the 170's the first part of November - how cool is that??

The key will be to remain really focused this weekend - I'll be out of town for three days and I plan on going out to eat with my Dad on Saturday so it'll be a challenge but NOT Impossible. The good news is I'll have pleanty of time to workout :) I may even meet my dad at the gym again as working out with him was a LOT of fun.

I'm going to have to set a date for new progress pictures... oh heck - Thanksgiving is my 'goal' date so Thanksgiving will be progress pics - you can bet they'll knock your sox off.. :)

Realities

Look out it's Nessy!, originally uploaded by Part Time Mom.

"As spiritual beings we have the ability to create that which we
first imagine. What we think about with conviction and emotion,
clearly focusing on, can and will become our realities."

*Sharon Gilbert {The Power of the Universe}

It's been a week?

Time flys when you're having fun? :P

Well, for once my absence isn't because I'm struggling. Things have been going great. I've been focused and doing what I needed to do. And the results? I'm down to 176.4 today. YAY!

In non-weight related successes - I hit a new record last week - Barbell Bench Press - 145 lbs for 6 reps! That was one of my goals at the begining of the year and it feels GREAT to have achieved it.

Oh - and I finally paid my money and I'm all signed up for the Sprint Triathalon on Sunday, May 6th - that means no more slacking! I need to keep to my training schedule.

So - that's it for now.

Thanks again to everyone for thier support. And for those of you who came out of the shadows to give your support... You did a good thing ;) thank you!

Is it Wednesday?

Things have been busy at work - which is a good thing because it makes time go by quickly but it means it's harder to give a good update here - so I'll try to make this short and sweet.

today's weigh in 178.1...

Monday - Ate on plan, drank water and excercised... Got in my back workout, biked for 30 minutes and then walked for another hour after I got home.

Tuesday - Ate on plan (with a extra large 'splurge meal' with my honey since it was his birthday), didn't drink as much water as I would like and walked up to coit tower in San Francisco. walk took an hour in total. We didn't get a weight workout in because the bathrooms are closed at our gym so we can't go in the morning and we used the evening to celebrate.

A few things have happend to really shore up my resolve...

1) I've been listening to an audiobook on my ipod called 'today matters'. It's helping me to really focus on today and doing what needs to be done. (in more then just weight loss). He's got some great tools and suggestions on working to 'make today a masterpiece' that I'm applying to my weight loss efforts.

2) I've been reviewing the audio version of the Leanness Lifestyle book on my noontime walks. yesterday I listened to the one on goal setting. In it coach details goal setting (something I'm a firm believer in and a doer of) and for some reason as I listed to something I've known/heard before it 'clicked' with me. I've really missed out on making daily goals for myself. Yes yes I set up 'to-do' but recently they have just been a set of 'tasks'. I had kind of lost the tie in between those tasks and the reason for doing them. For instance: Plan and make my lunch every day. It's a task, a chore I do each day. In some part of my mind it was linked to this goal of 'weight loss and better health' which is all good, but yesterday it clicked for me that it's also linked to my goal of lose .22 lbs today. For some reason linking those two nearly stopped me in my tracks. These things that I do arn't for some far off five week hazey number in the future. These things are for tomorrow - for a number on the scale I can wrap my mind around... .22 lbs lighter tomorrow then I am today. WOW!!

By making 'today a masterpiece' I directly affect my tomorrow - measurably and that thought has settled into the back of my mind and sits there like this little flame. It's something more then desire... it's kind of like I've found renewed... hope.

Anyway - I've probably just confused everyone :)

I will say Matt - I hear what you are saying about increased excercise. Believe me I'm not planning on running myself past the point of diminishing returns. However, when I was steadily losing about 2.2 lbs a week I was doing about 630 minutes of excercise per week. I've been no where near that of late. I would like to see those sorts of results again and I believe upping my excercise minutes is one of the many of the steps I need to cary out in order to do that. Thank you as always for your concern and honest input.

Monday Update

Today's weigh in 179.1

Despite that number I did have a GREAT weekend. kept to my plan and even got some cardio in yesterday. This week is going to be a little challenging as our gym is undergoing construction and the bathrooms are out... That means we're going to have to use another gym and workout at night. However - rather then let this be a stressful situation I've desided it's going to work out great for me because I can go ahead and get up early in the morning and walk on the treadmill before work THEN get my weight training and Triathalon training done after work - more excercise minutes for me and more excercise means more losses - and we all like more/faster losses right!?

I do know that despite my weight sticking at 178 all last week I'm dropping inches - my size 12 pants are all starting to show a little gaping around the waist; a fact that leaves me surprised every time I notice it. I have no doubt that a consistant week this week will see some TERRIFIC results and so excited to see what changes are in store.

I'll keep you all updated - of course :)

Demon's beware!

I have to start by saying you guys are the BEST! Matt – your unfaltering support means so much to me. Every time I post I look forward to seeing what your comment will be. It really gives a boost!

Cynthia – thank you so for coming out of the woodwork :) It makes me incredibly happy to know that even though I struggle and have some good and some ugly times there are people who can take something positive from my experience. I’m glad you feel inspired – for me hearing that is a dream come true. Good luck in your continued journey. No, I’m sorry good luck isn’t the right word… kick butt! :) As for the weights, hang in there – you’ll get stronger and stronger as you go. When I started back in 2003 I’m pretty sure I was using 20lb dumbbells. One of the biggest things I had to overcome was not my body’s lack of strength, but my own fear. Fear of lifting heavy – fear of ‘bulking up’ – fear of not being able to lift the next heavier weight or not being able to finish the set. When I got over all of that, my strength gains grew by leaps and bounds. You won’t know how strong you are until you try :)

Kana – you too almost brought tears to my eyes. I’m so glad to know that there are people who come here and are inspired. I glanced at your blog quickly and you are doing GREAT! Keep up the intensity and good luck w/your surgery. I’ll keep you and ‘the man of your dreams’ in my prayers

So… about those demons I dragged out? I’ve locked them up again and I’m starving them with confidence. You see – As people we are capable of ANYTHING! We just need to remember that we are what we think about. If I think that I’m a loser and fat girl who can’t get below 175… then I won’t. But if I think that I’m a fierce warrior lean and strong and capable of reaching 130 and even looking ‘stage ready’ then I am. Well kids – guess what the Valkyrie has strapped on her armor and is bringing death to self doubt and self pity.

One thing that really helped is I talked to the coach last night. We went over the stuff I talked about here and then gave me a good reality check. He reminded me that while I have ‘been here’ before and this IS the place where I’ve ‘lost the war’ every other time this time is different. Why? Because I have more confidence I’m sure in myself and my program. I’m not given to knee jerk reactions. I take the ups and downs of weight loss and approach them with sanity and logic instead of panic. And most importantly – I’m not doing it alone. Last time I was here, yes, I started to struggle. I panicked as I grew close to the number and would deprive myself to try to achieve then binge up again. I did that over and over and over again. This time? This time I have someone watching and mentoring me – someone who’s willing to catch me two weeks into this and say ‘Don’t make me bring the hammer down – enough of this, do what you know you need to do’. So guys – we’re not going to talk about the ‘175 mystery’ anymore. Except if it’s a weigh in, I’m not going to mention the number again. 169 is the goal for this phase and that’s the number to focus on – we’ll have a party when I get there ;)

And so… stats:

Today’s weigh in 178.1
Water: 3L
Diet Pepsi: 32 oz
Minutes Exercised: 70
Minutes Remaining: 530 (this is not going well)
Ratio: 44%/44%/16%

Yesterday’s workout Legs (yay!) and abs:
Box Squats (Plus Bar): 105 x 6 x 3
Straight Legged Dead Lifts: 110 x 6 x 3
Lying Leg Curls: 85 x 6 x 3
Leg Lifts: 8lbs x 6 x 3 (used a medicine ball)
Incline Crunches: 6 x 3

For those of you who don’t know what a box squat is…there’s some great pictures here http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/schultz22.htm a good picture and description here.. http://www.weightliftingdiscussion.com/boxsquat.html

If you read these you’re probably noticing that these SEEM to be geared toward power lifters. Which I’m not, nor do I plan to be – BUT I also think that fear has kept me from dropping my squat as low as I should have – so I’m using the box squat to teach myself to ‘stretch’ it just a little and it relaxes the fear a little because I can’t fall on my butt with the box there to catch me – right? Plus I’m actually ‘sitting’ on the box (as apposed to touching) so I’m building my strength at the same time. Everyone should try it!!

Alright – I’m off now I hope everyone has a great Friday and an excellent weekend.

Yes - I'm updating AGAIN

Let me get the mudane stuff out of the way first:

Yesterday's weigh-in 179
Today: 178

(dropping water weight from weekend crap food)

Yesterday's Stats...
Water: 4.5L
Diet Pepsi: 0L
Minutes Excercised: 70
Minutes Remaining: 600 (I better get on the stick)
Macro Ratio: 46%/43%/14%

Workout last night was solid

Seated Dumbbell Press (shoulders): 35 x 6 x 3
Barbell Press (plus bar): 60 x 6 x 3
Lat Raises: 20 x 6 x 3
Wrist Curls: 35 x 6 x 3

Alrighty then - so that's what's going on physically - let's talk about what's going on mentally :) I can honestly say I have 'tunnel vision' again. I really don't know what happened over the weekend but something flipped a switch in my head and I was 'ready' again.

But - I voiced my concerns to my coach. As I've said before this is not the first time I've hit a stall at almost this same exact weight. When I look honestly at what I was doing I could have lost about three more pounds before leaving on vacation. And the past two weeks were an obvious face plant. Why is that? He gave me some possable reasons to think over...

1. Sexual abuse - fear of men if more attractive

2. Fear of NOT being attracted to spouse if more attractive

3. Fear of having to finally grown personally/professionall by NOT having weight as the constant excuse not to grow.

4. Fear of the b.s. mindset of "I'll never get to have good food again." OR "I'll never get to have my favorite treats again if I keep losing" etc.

5. Fear and mindset of I DON'T DESERVE IT

Any of the above ring true? They are the top 5.

At first I dismissed all these -

1. I've never had problems attracting men at ANY wieght. I'm sure of myself, and my atractivness even at 200+ AND I'm confident that internally I'm an atractive person and that transends the weight factor. So lets just say that I don't suddenly 'start' getting noticed by men when I hit 180

2. I got over the whole 'what if I'm not attractive when I'm thin' thing a long time ago. It was an easy issue to settle - if I don't like the way I look thin, I can always go back again ;) As for my spouse he somehow manages to make me feel loved at any weight. As I get thinner he's my biggest supporter without ever making me feel as if I was 'unattractive' before.

3. Just like number one - I don't judge myself 'inferior' before of my weight so I assume others don't either. I've never felt my weight impacted my career or the way people judge my performace - so why would me being thin affect that?

4. The BS mindset was an issue for me a few months ago. At a 'low' moment I started the whole 'whinning' thing "dieting sucks" "I hate all this food' blah blah blah but I worked through that as well - throwing out the few things that seemed a 'chore' to eat and making sure my meals were full of foods I liked while still fitting into my plan. AND eating healthy is a big deal for me - weight loss or no.

5. Of COURSE I DESERVE it... I'm a decent person. good things are allowed to happen to me...even weight loss.

So, I was stumped...

Last night while I was swimming I started mulling over this in my head... why? why? why? I thought back to the last time this happened and tried to disect it. I started asking myself questions

Why did you gain the weight back?

Well - I was on a roll, then I stopped making the right choices. First it only stalled my weight loss but eventually I gained the weight back.

Why did you stop making the right choices?

I guess the pain of losing became greater then the pleasure of being thin.

Why is that?

There's a lot of reasons I suppose:

I've been 180 before so it's easy to focus on that as a goal - I know how it feels, but I've never been BELOW 180 so it's hard to convince myself that it's going to feel even better. In fact if I think about the last time I remember being 160 all my thoughts are rather negative. I hated the way I looked I felt fat and ugly. The same goes for every weight below that... even 125.

Then why do you want to be 130?

...

And there I get a little stuck :)

But I asked myself another question... Do you believe you are capable of getting to 130?

My first response was "YES!" but then I heard a quite little voice say "I guess"

huh? you mean there's someone else in my head besides me and myself.. oh yeah that "I" guy.

As soon as I spotted him hiding in the darkI pulled him into the conversation. He's kind of like "Gollum" he's withered, ugly and doesn't like the light but when I turned my attention to him he started to throw his barbs.

"Are you kidding? You're not capable of being thin! Remember, you're a 'big' girl. You're too broad shouldered, big boned - lose all the fat you want you'll still just be a big clumsy oaf!"

But! Look at Monica Brandt - She's lovely...I could have a body like that.

"Ha - she's also got a model's face and long beautiful hair - you don't, don't even begin to THINK you'll look like her when you're done!"

But... Maggie Diubaldo has short hair and a strong jaw and a rocking body...

"She's also 5'10" - you're only 5'5" with short legs and big thighs....Forget it - your goals are goals at all they are unatainable daydreams. You'll fail."

------------

You know once that guy starts he's rather hard to shut up. But it's obvious I've spent WAY too many years listening to him. How do I know? Because when I embark on something that seems like it'll fail - I stop trying. Why? to protect myself - afterall I can't REALLY fail if I don't try... right? right?

After listening to the Gollum spill his vile I had flashes of other things in my life he's talked me out of Like Ballet:

When I was a child I spent years in Ballet Class. I loved it! I had grace, rythem and a hunger for perfectionism. My mother (who doesn't comilment often) told me that at once recital she had another mother point me out of the crowd of dancers and compliment my style without knowing who's daughter I was. When I went on stage I didn't just dance, I WAS a dancer. Then came the day when 'school photos' came in. I opened them eagerly knowing what the picture in my mind was when we had them taken. But - instead of a picture of swanlike grace I saw...me - My carriage was perfect, head heald high, arms and legs in perfect symitry... but my hair was stringy and half falling out of my lopsided bun. My legs were short stumpy and thick and my child's body looked sausagelike in the blue satine of my tu-tu. Gollum threw it all in my face and I never went back to ballet class again.

-----------

I tried to nullify Gollum's assessment of my less then ideal traits once more by announcing - fine, I may not be able to be a fitness model but I can at least an athlete.

He laughed in my face, "You! an athlete?! who are you kidding? You're a clutz - slow and uncoordinated. Why bother with this tri-athlete training you are doing? You'll never do it - you know it's just a waste of time"

Gah!

-----------------

I stopped talking to him after that - but it really has me thinking. Do I REALLY believe I'm capable? It's easy to say yes. But do I mean it?

Here's the most important thing... does any of this REALLY matter? Or do I just need to shut up and get the job done? Who cares about my Psyche

Hey again!

(Told you I was on a roll)

Yesterday was another banner day... I did everything right and I'm feeling great about it!

Weight (Yesterday): 179.0
Water Consumed: 4L
Diet Pepsi: 32oz (I was 2 hours from home at 10PM last night - I figured having a diet pepsi was better then falling asleep and driving off the road)
Minutes Excercised: 95
Ex Min Remaining for Week: 670
Macro Ratio: 36% Carb / 48% Prot / 17% Fat

Workout was Chest and Calves..

Standing Calf Raises: 245 x 8 x 3
Seated Calf Raises: 145 x 8 x 3
Barbell Bench Press (plus bar): 90 x 6 x 3
Incline Dumbbell Bench: 45 x 6 x 3
Assisted Dips: 130 (assist) x 6 / 120 x 6 x 2

Good and sore today.. wow! The plan is to hit the gym tonight after work, do shoulders and swim - I'll update tomorrow on how that goes.

If feels good to have my head in the right place.

Two more things I wanted to add to my posts

Currently Listening to: Today Matters: 12 Daily Practices to Guarentee Tomorrow's Success
Currently Reading: Six-week Start-up

Hello Everyone!

I'm back :)

As you may have guessed I had some trouble getting my head back into the game after coming off vacation. Many many things contributed to this and I struggled day to day to do what I needed to do. BUT here it is - two weeks back from vacation and suddenly, it's easy again *grin* (or as easy as it ever gets) I can't really tell you what's changed. I just know that my husband (ok it's still wierd typing that) and I looked at each other on Sunday and went - ENOUGH! We packed up our bags and committed to each other to make this a 'perfect' week.

So, yes I'm a little behind on my weight loss goals and no I haven't gotten back down to my 'before vacation' weight but I'm well on my way and certainly in the right frame of mind. I'm on FIRE (and this isn't just me giving myself a 'pep' talk).

So... To sum up yesterday (I'm going to try this new format to help organize myself - heheh)

Weight (Yesterday): 182
Water Consumed: 2L
Diet Pepsi: 0L
Minutes Excercised: 75
Ex Min Remaining for Week: 765
Macro Ratio: 42% Carb / 47% Prot / 15% Fat

Yesterday was Back day and I gave myself quite the workout...

Lat Pulldowns: 115 x 6 x 3
Close Grip Pulldowns: 125 x 6 x 3
T-Bar Row: 75 x 6 x 3
Dead Lifts: 75 x 6 / 80 x 6 x 2
Dumbbell Shrugs: 65 x 6 x 3

Then I did a 35 minute bike ride

Overall I'm feeling happy and focused and glad to be headed in the right direction again instead of stuck in this start/stop flux.