Say Hey

Well, guess what...

It's me. And no, this isn't my annual 'fly by'.  I'm dedicating myself to 21 days of blogging to go along with my 21 day sugar detox.

So, to catch you up with me...

I'm not in a great place right now.  I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life.  My knees hurt, my feet hurt, my back hurts and I'm in terrible (cardio) shape.  I can still lift very heavy things and put them down again, but I'm not at the strongest I've ever been either.

After time after time of failed programs I find it harder and harder to get motivated to try again.  But I haven't given up either.

I have had one success though.  Back in July (or so) I had my last diet soda.  It was a strange thing how that happened.  I woke up one morning and we didn't have any soda in the house.  I rushed around all day doing other things and by the end of the day realized I had going all day without picking up any - or having any to drink and strangely I felt ok.  The next day I really didn't have any major cravings.  I started to get a soda out of habit at one point, but then realized that I didn't HAVE to have it, so I put it back.  And I haven't had one since, or for that matter, had any bad cravings for it either.  I was a miracle I swear.  If only the same thing could happen for junk food right!?

So, what am I doing right now?  Well I'm doing the 21 day sugar detox http://21daysugardetox.com/  I'm hoping that this might motivate me to do even bigger and better things as the month rolls on.  I have other goal goal then that at the moment.  Just do 21 days of no sugar and see how I feel at the end of it.  Oh - and blogging every day too.

So, it's the end of day 1 and I was sugar free and I'm feeling fine about that.  No big cravings, no major feelings of hunger.  Not too tired either -- here's to sugar fee.

1/21 complete

Well - I know it's been a while, but I haven't given up.

The week after my Triathlon (in my last post), I suddenly found that working out was getting really hard.  My runs were getting further and longer and I was running out of energy to do them.  So - I upped my calories.  That seemed to help a little, but of course you give an addict an inch and they'll take a mile.  My "I need to eat more" attitude along with several birthday parties etc meant I stopped seeing progress.  I wasn't gaining really, but I wasn't losing either.  

So I managed to come up with a compromise that (so far) is working...Low calorie/low carb three days a week and more calories and carbs from FRUIT (not pastries and the like) on my running days (and Sunday).  Now, it's only Thursday (started on Monday) so I can't tell you it's a perfect plan, but I didn't have any issues running on Tuesday, nor going to the gym two days AND I woke up this morning at my lowest weight since my 'come-back'.  I'm below 220!!  219.2 to be exact and it feels GREAT to be over that hump.  214.x here I come!

Oh, and I'm wearing the same dress that I wore on the first day of work (Feb 27th) On that day I had to wear the belt on the biggest hole.  Today it fit two holes smaller and is lose on that hole!  Excited to being seeing progress and feeling like I'm changing my life for the good again!

I guess Dora sent the fat fairy my way last night because this morning the scale ready 224.4!!  I'm holding off on getting too excited because it may be one of those false drops I get now and then, but I'm hopeful that this is the real deal and I'm on my way to below the 220's.  

I've been staying tight with my food (and feeling really good about it) and working my butt of exercise wise.  

Hit the gym on Monday and did legs, then did a 30 minute spin later that night.  I kept putting off getting on the bike but finally (because I had committed to it) did it.  It wasn't really fun or easy.  I've lost some of my... how should I put this... saddle muscles.  I know weight is part of the issue as it puts more pressure on, pressure points.  So, dropping some pounds and spending more time on my bike should fix me up in no time.

Did a chest workout yesterday at the gym it was frustrating because I had to use such light weights!  I really need to get my strength back, it was one thing I was really proud of.  I'm almost more frustrated with losing that, then I am at gaining the weight back.  Almost.

If you've watched the news much you might know it's been pouring rain here in Northern California.  And if you've followed my blog at all you know I'm training for a 1/2 marathon.  Last night was a track workout with my training team.  I was one of the few who showed up.  The coach showed up, took one look at the track and said, "We can't run on this, do you guys want to just go home, or do you want to run?" 

We all looked at each other, and someone said, "We wouldn't be here if we didn't want to run!"  That settled it.  

So off we went to run the streets in one of the hilliest cities I know.  Me and hills, well we don't really get along.  Running downhill isn't much of an issue.  In fact, I'm really rather good at it (heh).  But uphill.  I'm afraid of uphill and often I let myself 'quit' and walk up the hills.  But not tonight.  I told myself that I would never get over being afraid of running uphill unless I RAN UP SOME HILLS!  So I ran.  I told myself it didn't matter how slow I went as long as I kept running.

I was really really proud of myself in in the end.  Not only did I get out when 99% of the world was welded to their couch, but I got in a workout and adjusted a bit of my mental attitude.

On my way home, my husband called me and let me know our roof was leaking and that he had called the landlord.  He was going to send someone by in the morning to take a look at it. So, this morning I got up and headed to the gym planning to get a workout in early before they came.  BUT, I had only just got there and started warming up when my son called to say the guys were there already!  CRAP.  

Anyway, the roof is going to get fixed and we'll get the ceiling replace in one corner of our bedroom.  I'll have to get my workout in a little later then I would like - but I AM going to get it done.  I'm on too much of a roll right now to let something as small as this get in my way.

Ok - every time I turn around there's something else cool that syncs with fitbit; including my new fancy shmancy scale.  I may just break down and get one.  If I do I'll run in side by side with my bodybugg for a while and see what's what.  If it's 'close enough' I'll drop the monthly subscription to my bodybugg and just transition over...

I know I haven't updated in a while.  I've been in a pretty black head space of late.  Best way I can describe it is anti-social.  (my poor husband).  And yet, despite myself, I've stayed on plan and have seen a little progress.  

Total loss for last week was 1.8 lbs.  It seems low to me for the amount of work I've been putting in, but I know that my body has been 'readjusting' this week.  All my clothes fit better/different  and it's more then a >2lb loss can account for.  My scale is also telling me that I'm losing body fat.  In fact, it thinks I've lost about 5 lbs of fat last week.  So, that cheered me up a bit.  Still not fitting into the top pairs of pants in my 'bonus clothes' but I did fit into (and pull out) all my next size underwear.  

Some other victories...

Wednesday hubby and I went out for a walk - we pushed ourselves and put in 6 miles!

Thursday I missed my group run, but forced myself out the door anyway.  I started easy and maintained a steady pace and ended up running the entire 4 miles that was in my plan.  That was a HUGE victory for me.  

Saturday I had another group run in The City.  It was cold, gloomy and rainy, but I went anyway.  I was happy and surprised to find that there was a good sized group running my pace and I stuck with them for the entire 6 miles.  Yes _I_ ran 6 miles (with some walking mixed in).

Sunday - well yesterday I was really struggling with head hunger, and black thoughts.  I think I'm hormonal.  I bumped my calories a little, but kept them all good fats and proteins.  That did seem to help, some.  My husband suggested I needed 'retail therapy'  I told him what I wanted was 'bon bon therapy' but I wasn't going to allow myself to go there.  I didn't and I was proud of that fact.

What's really strange is that even though I haven't noticed a huge spike in energy or anything like that, I've found that my 'bad mood' has made me restless.  I just can't sit still right now and my house is starting to get really clean :D  For someone like me to whom all housework is evil, that's a pretty big deal.  

Anyway - I'm alive.  I'm doing ok and I'm hoping that in a day or two I can be a little more positive and motivating...

Last night things fell in place on my run so today there was no doubt that they would fall into place and I would make it to the gym.

Lifting weights is my first love so making to the gym is a lot easier.  I spent a few minutes printing out a new workout - I'm starting a new 12 week periodized workout program which means each set is 12 reps.  I don't like 12 reps :D  But I'm doing it and it felt great.

Food is great - I'm back where I want to be mentally. Scale is stickin' but that's usually a good sign.  227.7 two days in a row.  That means the fat fairy is due to arrive.  There's a WHOOSH in my future.

Went to my track workout tonight.  I was getting more and more agitated about it as the day went on.  Worried I wouldn't be accepted.  Worried that I would embarrass myself.  Worried period.

I got off work early and drove home in record time.  There, I changed, grabbed some water, mixed my 'pre-workout' drink and procrastinated.  When I couldn't wait anymore I got in my car and drove to the track.  Unfortunately, I didn't leave myself time to 'get lost' on my way and that had me running late (cause I always get lost going to someplace new).  As I drove around looking for the place watching the clock tick later and later that little fearful voice in my head kept telling me how I should turn around and go home.  Kept replaying how terrible it was going to be and how much worse it would be because I was showing up late.

I ignored it.  I finally found where I was going, parked and headed up the hill to the track.  Just as I topped the hill and hit the edge of the dirt ring I heard a voice call out, "Hi Shawn!"  

It was my running partner from Saturday!  Suddenly all my fear and doubts were gone.  Just that one familiar, smiling face was all I needed.

Just as before, everyone else was just as friendly.  The coach was great.  She paid just enough attention to me to make sure I was handling the workout ok without making me feel like I was being singled out in some way.  She even pulled me aside at one point and complemented me on how good I was doing and how steady a pace I was able to run  (I did 6 laps of the track at almost the exact same pace).  

I also think she was a little surprised that I was able to make it around the track at all... I mean I'm not exactly svelte.  Seriously does this girl look like a 'runner' to you? 

But I am!  

So, anyway - to make a long story longer.  I have a challenge for you all.  No matter your size, no matter your fitness level, no matter you age, no matter what that little voice in your head is telling you.  Go out there and do something that makes you a little uncomfortable.  You may surprise yourself and find your a lot more courageous then you thought; that your a lot more capable then your thought, that pushing your self actually feels GOOD!

I think that I've been feeling so good that I got a little overconfident yesterday. I stopped gut checking myself before grabbing for food. Granted I still stayed really close to my nutrition goals, but when I reviewed the day I realized the slightest feeling of hunger and I was running to food. Granted I ate things that were OP, but I was eating sooner and/or more often then was in my plan. I ended the day just feeling a bit, out of control. The kind of thing that left unchecked could move from 100 calories over my goal to 200 to... you get the idea. Today's been much better. I feel back in charge and I've put the Feast Beast back in his cage.

Hunger is not an emergency!

I've yet to resume serious (regular) exercise. I miss it! I signed up for the running team that I tried out on Saturday and I'm a nervous mess thinking about it. We've got a track run scheduled for tonight, and even though I met a lot of really nice people on Saturday, my stomach hurts a little thinking about going and seeing even more tonight. I'm sure I'll be fine. Tomorrow I work from home and that means it'll be really easy to get to the gym and get my workout done. I'll also have no trouble getting my schedule run done either. No excuses

My My My what a weekend! The fat fairy had decided to just flat out LIVE at my house! The weight has just been flying off! Saturday I woke up at 227.6! Don't have any idea where that came from! :D I was shocked enough to check several times to see if the weight was 'real'. It was, then I drove to meet up with a new group to try a group run.

I went off to my run feeling pretty good. Then I got there and one look at the people getting ready to run brought all my insecurities and negative thoughts scream to the forefront. When your a 230 lb runner, your pretty firmly in the minority. And when your a 230lb runner in the San Francisco bay area, the gap is even larger. I actually started to walk out but one of the coaches caught me at the door and talked me into staying.

Amazingly enough it was a good run! I did 5 miles (5 miles!! Haven't done that in ages). There were two girls in the group who stuck with me the whole time and I actually became one of 'those people'. You know, the people who chat while they run. It was fun and I went further and I pushed myself harder the I would have if I had tried to do it on my own. I'll be back next week for sure!

And the lesson in all this? We as fat people have to watch that we arn't discriminating against those skinny folks, just as they shouldn't judge us! I'm going to try to be better about this.

After my run, we cleaned up and drove to visit my mother-in-law.  It's always a stressful time because she's got alzhimers.  It's hard on my husband to see her in that state, and hard on me to see him suffering.  But, we got through the visit ok and I didn't once think about stress eating.

Later I went over to a freinds to celebrate St. Patty's Day.   There was crackers and cheese, salsa and chips and then later pizza. I had a few pieces of cheese while we hung out, but left the crackers and chips (and pizza). What was great was, at one point I started hunting for more cheese out of habit, but realized that I really wasn't hungry, so I told myself 'enough', and moved on.


After that, we went out to a local watering hole that happens to also have karaoke on Saturdays. I LOVE karaoke but usually end up going by myself. It was a blast to go and have about 12 friends along too. Not only did I get to enjoy singing, but I got to enjoy my friend's singing and we danced a LOT. At the end of the day between the running and dancing my bodybugg said I had burned over 4500 calories for the day (at midnight). Whew! The best thing is, dancing doesn't even feel like exercise - it's just pure enjoyment.   And, because I was the designated driver, I was able to keep my commitment to stay away from the alcohol, thus avoiding a TON of empty calories (and a hangover).  Although I wasn't easy, Irish Car Bombs are my #1 fav drink and what better day to have some then St. Patty's day!?

Sunday is my 'official' weigh in and I was at 228.4 - that's 2.1 lbs lost for the week and 9.2 since I started. (However I only started MF food on Wednesday). According to my body bugg I've averaged 3127 calories burned a day and 1208 consumed for a  1919 deficit. (my goal is 1500). I also averaged over 11,000 steps a day. My weight was a a little up from the day before, but staying up 'til two in the morning dancing might have had something to do with it. I'm not too concerned. My goal for the week was 228.5 and I hit that. I'm losing weight and feeling really really good. I'm happy, my self confidence is coming back I even was able to wear a pair of cute capri jeans that I haven't been able to wear in AGES!

Later in the day I went through my closet and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned!  i sorted through all my clothes and arrainged them by size (I have size 18W to 10 in there).  It was a little sad seeing all the pretty clothes that I've 'grown' out of, but also strengthened my resolve to see this through.  I want to wear those again!  What was really sad was finding the 'largest' pair of jeans and a shirt that I saved from last time I lost weight (I got rid of everything else) - they both fit!  Again, it made me sad but determined.  Somehow I had convinced myself that though I had weighed the same, I wasn't as 'big' as I was last time.  yeah... right!  It's time to stop lying to myself, really look at myself in the mirror, accept what's going on there and then move on.

I suspect that in about two weeks the first of my 'put away' clothes will start to fit, that'll really feel good.  I want to ride that feeling of success all the way to goal, and I will!

Today however, the scale had a big big surprise for me.  Woke up, checked in and it said 225.9!  Another BIG drop!  I guess all the dancing caught up with me!  I just can't believe I'm going to be seeing the lower end of the 220's already.  I'm ready! 

I've been really really good physically and mentally over the past few days.  I find myself in a good mood more often then not.  It's not that things haven't been hard and that I haven't been dealing with the normal 'stuff' that life brings.  but, I've been abetter able to handle it all.  Iv'e been actually dealing with/acknowledging my emotions and weirdly that seems to take less energy then trying to ignore/hide them.  I'm also seeing great results on the program so far, and that always makes me hopeful and hope makes me energetic.  I'll try to hang onto this as long as possible - may as well ride the wave for all it's worth!

Oh, and I'm dropping the 'no-diet pepsi' zone back to 3:00 PM this week.  Thing sare going to get interesting over the next few days.